AkImA No NiKkI

This love/hate relationship with my emotions is endless. For the same reason I envy sociopaths never having to deal with these "feelings".  They may consider differently, but I think we both would agree that you cannot miss something you never had. How freeing it would be, to just not "feel". My childhood days -as far as I remember at school, demureness gained me somewhat peace in the class. I hated socializing even then and preferred the company of dreams or books. I was never bullied because of my temper, so my days blended together. Other kids never minded my lack-of-feeling or at least, what I didn't show.  That's kids for you. In my teen years, I learnt to slip a crack. Show my feelings to only some I choose or trust. Some admired my strength of control, and some pitied me for having to do so. They questioned my reason, some would agree, some would not. Opening up is dangerous, as far as I could tell. When you let yourself to be happy, you als

FEELINGS! FEELINGS EVERYWHERE! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FEELS I'M HOLDING IN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I FINISHED HANNIBAL SEASON 3 AND GUESS WHAT, HANNIGRAM IS FUCKING CANON!! IT'S A MARVELOUS DAY TO BE ALIVE!! asfgdhkjlasjdhhf!!! Okay. I'll reel it in now. *takes deep breath*   *exhales* Before, I'd expressed my doubt for this ship in earlier post back when I started watching Hannibal TV series. I saw it as what normal people would've seen it, a twisted obsession gained by manipulation, and while it is not exactly untrue, the series gradually shows Will's character development. And it's beautiful. It's heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Destiel is my OTP but Hannigram is one of my ships and having it BEING FUCKING CANON BEFORE DESTIEL IS DOING THINGS TO MY INSIDES. That said, Bryan Fuller is truly a magnificent and wonderful human being. I want to write an ode to his magnificence and string poetry about him in my books. Heck I DID string poetry about h

Mom just had a heart-to-heart talk to me. I say "to" and not "with" because in reality, I hadn't participated. It was an intervention, not a discussion.  It wasn't that I wasn't allowed to, I was simply..afraid. The truth is, she had seen me crying on the phone with Amelia two days ago (as written per my last post) and she had assumed it was over a boy (ridiculous since we all know how flat my love-life is) or a book (understandable.) or a storyline (also understandable.). I'd given her the usual "I'm fine, it's nothing" but she's quite persistent. It's obvious she knew I'm hiding a lotta shit, but I think she might be referring to the failed interviews. Or at least, I hope she is.  She told me I've been an egotistical assbutt (not in that wording but you get the gist) and while I agree I was before everything went up to shit, the thought that went through my mind was "yeah but right now I'm just a pile