AkImA No NiKkI

The part of me that wishes to see the future is slowly, slowly, being rekindled. Like a dying ember on a dry coal that's been covered by a damp moss after rainy season. Dissociation is still strong, even after the whole disaster of me unsuccessfully killing myself again for the fourth time. So is my apathy. It's a chance-circle shooting game up in here, hour after hour. I find myself zoning out, unable to return to my head. I find myself unable to empathize with my friends, despite knowing I should if I want to keep them around.  With dissociation, I can't find the controls in my head to flick on the empathy switch. I'm not in there. Nothing is. I'd find my body sitting upright on the bed, staring at a spot for hours. It heavily reminded me of highschool nights, minus the blank spots in my memories. I'm a little okay now, with my broken heart. I'm healing.  It's still a bitch most days, and I know I've totally become that edgy emo sad bitch

Missed Messages  I had decided a day. I was ready. I couldn't bear breathing anymore. I wanted it all to end. I couldn't. The feel of smooth metal on my wrist was cold, almost sterile. It felt like I was finally able to breathe after spending so long gurgling salt water in my lungs. And then no more. No more. Without any goodbyes, without any notice. I was gonna finally die. Suddenly my phone chimed with a notification. Jack just uploaded a new video. I looked at it. Twisted my lips. Jack has been helping me a lot since I found him. Would it be rude to do this while the last notification I had on my phone was his video? I should be courteous, shouldn't I?  Would it make me a coward to have one last good thing to see before everything goes away? What does it matter. I will return to my end shortly after anyway. The artstyle caught my heart, despite my insistence to stop it from beating another beat. The longer I watched it, the more I felt c