AkImA No NiKkI

  Being home always brings a wave of nostalgia every single time I return. It goes the same with updating the blog too, sometimes. The one thing I always do when I come back to Kelantan is take out all of my notebooks, notepads, books, diaries, journals, and walk down the path of my past. The good, the bad, the horrific, the fun, and everything in between that entailed my time here as an existence.  Often times, whenever I go through a suicidal wave, I would wish to not be remembered. To wish my existence is simply erased and a person with my name was simply never born. Never grew. This wish came to be because I hope the people I left behind to not feel pain from my actions. It's selfish, sure, but sanity is never my closest companion. I know it doesn't make sense, and all I'm doing is wishing a band-aid would cover bullet holes. A wish is just a wish.  Particularly the only reason I hadn't manage to kill myself successfully despite the many attempts was because of the ...

 Last night, I had the most horrible dream. Recently, I've gotten the habit of sleeping on the couch, being the couch potato that I am. Most days, I'm too tired to carry my ass up to my bedroom and sleep properly on my bed. Days when I'd forget to do my night skincare and then regret it horribly the next day.  Same case happened last night. I took a shower, ate dinner on the couch with Natsume Yuujinchou on, and fell asleep. It tends to be cold downstairs in the living room at night, and I was wearing short shorts so my legs were freezing. I briefly remember pulling a blanket over my legs in my sleep haze. The details of my dream are hazy by now, but I can still feel the intense disgust and horror at the bottom of my throat. There was the air of something big happening, bustling noises of people moving. There was someone walking beside me, mumbling noises in the background. Everything in my eyesight was filled the golden color, as if we were walking in a ripe wheat field by...

  I thought the first thing I would've done after getting my own place to live would be getting a cat and slowly add up the numbers, but surprisingly, I was too caught up in the waves of changes in my growing life that caring for another living being became a thought too heavy for me to take up. The trains of my thoughts slowly became bigger until they turn into shapes and forms of their own that breathes into my living space, and commands my body.  Caring for another seems a bigger responsibility that I thought I couldn't hold. And as time goes on, I slowly forget how much joy cats can bring into my life, despite the troubles they also bring with them. After all, I grew up with cats around in my childhood. Mia (my little sister) has been begging me to keep a cat, now that she is also living with me (for now but we have been talking future plans where she returns to mom and dad as she studies for SPM) and I've been considering the thought for a while. I've asked the opi...

It was my birthday 2 days ago, my 28th. Another year and then I will cross that 30-middle age crisis. Hey, 17 year old me, did you think we'd ever make it this far? Pass my message to the 19 year old us. We've reached 28 now. The world is dying still, burning everything and everyone to the ground, slowly but surely. That one is still unchanging. The world burns every day, only the way it burns differently.  Are we still suicidal, depressed, and mentally ill? Yes. But at least we are still able to love and be loved in return. Another form of self-diagnosis has come up the past recent months, which is, hey hey hey I'm autistic. Voila. Not level 2 or level 3, obviously, since I'm quite capable of masking and my needs are low-support, but yes, it explains a number of things present in me. Mom always joked about me being autistic because I was so "quirky" and "anti-social" and "alien" as a child. Well, you can't beat a mother's hunch, I ...

 Here we go again, trying to heal through a variety of childhood traumas. Buckle the fuckle up, I guess. So, my childhood was sprinkled with violence as much as it was surrounded by love. That's what you get when your parents never went to therapy for their traumas and subconsciously fucking up their children as a consequence. The only reason I could find myself forgiving them for their parenting mistakes is because I know they never meant to, and they are aware of what their mistakes caused, and they are actively trying to fix and understand our pain. Not every parent is like them, I am well aware, and I also know that their mistakes are not everything they are to me. There is a huge difference between parents who consciously and knowingly hurt their children and parents who just made mistakes.  For all their mistakes caused my childhood to retain damages, they also tried their best to show me love in the ways they had never been shown by their own parents, and I appreciate t...

 warning for typos, since I'm typing with tears in my eyes and flowing down my cheeks. Grief is a weird emotion, one I have been trying to let myself feel at a pace I could have the capacity for. It's been slow, but I know it moves. Today was a day I felt I had a good capacity to let myself sit and feel the waves as they fill up through me. Maybe because I'm going through my period, so my hormones are unbalanced, but it had its pros and cons.  It's been 9 months since Tech passed.  I am still grieving, and I don't know how long I would still be. I don't think it matters. It definitely feels weird for me to be feeling so much grief over a Minecraft roleplayer's passing when I didn't feel anything when my grandparents passed. I had no doubt my family members would look at me with a stink eye for making that comparison, but matter of the fact is, I didn't have a lot of memorable memories with either of my grandparents.  Tech helped me survive many insom...