Ittai.Ittai.Ittai.
Tomorrow is Eid ul Fitri.
And here I am,bawling my eyes out 2 days in a row.
For those who do not want to know,please close this blog.The others who stayed,you are welcomed.
I know very well I shouldn't dwell on this.It's pathetic.It's pitiful.Syaf would probably be angry with me after this,if he stayed,that is.He once told me that I think through things too much.Well,I tried to do what he said,y'noe.I tried.
And thanks to him that I'd been able to hold out this long.But it's too much,y'noe?
As time goes by,the pain grew.
Last night,I tried to swallow 'em down like I always do but I couldn't.Instead of relieving the "burns" inside,it made it more painful.
It took me all my concentration to keep calm while in front of my family.Eventhough at the time,I feel as though my insides were steels on fire.
And because my focus were slowly fading,I accidentally blurted out that one sentence.
"Well,there has to be at least ONE ugly duckling in the family."
Though I said it with the tone that could only be deciphered as a joke,I meant it.I quickly cursed mentally in my head for that one.
Thank goodness,she didn't realised it.Had she asked what I meant by that at that time,my efforts of keeping composed would fall into rubbles.
I don't want them to know how much their words mean to me.Because I love them,I remember almost everything they said.Even the things I don't want to remember.After bed,I cried.
I wanted to write because writing prevents me from feeling discomfort.But as I wrote,tears splashed onto my book.
One by one,they travel to the tip of my nose and my cheeks.I tried to surpress my sobs and sniffed as quiet as I could but it was hopeless.
How painful.
Self-hatred.Self-revulsion.Have I always had these before?
I didn't realised that.Or maybe it had just been developed? By who,them or me?
The pain didn't reside.
Everytime I am alone,I will cry.Because of the pain in my chest.
I spend more time during my bath than I usually do,because I'd cry silently under the water.
When will it go away?
And here I am,bawling my eyes out 2 days in a row.
For those who do not want to know,please close this blog.The others who stayed,you are welcomed.
I know very well I shouldn't dwell on this.It's pathetic.It's pitiful.Syaf would probably be angry with me after this
And thanks to him that I'd been able to hold out this long.But it's too much,y'noe?
As time goes by,the pain grew.
Last night,I tried to swallow 'em down like I always do but I couldn't.Instead of relieving the "burns" inside,it made it more painful.
It took me all my concentration to keep calm while in front of my family.Eventhough at the time,I feel as though my insides were steels on fire.
And because my focus were slowly fading,I accidentally blurted out that one sentence.
"Well,there has to be at least ONE ugly duckling in the family."
Though I said it with the tone that could only be deciphered as a joke,I meant it.I quickly cursed mentally in my head for that one.
Thank goodness,she didn't realised it.Had she asked what I meant by that at that time,my efforts of keeping composed would fall into rubbles.
I don't want them to know how much their words mean to me.Because I love them,I remember almost everything they said.Even the things I don't want to remember.After bed,I cried.
I wanted to write because writing prevents me from feeling discomfort.But as I wrote,tears splashed onto my book.
One by one,they travel to the tip of my nose and my cheeks.I tried to surpress my sobs and sniffed as quiet as I could but it was hopeless.
How painful.
Self-hatred.Self-revulsion.Have I always had these before?
I didn't realised that.Or maybe it had just been developed? By who,them or me?
The pain didn't reside.
Everytime I am alone,I will cry.Because of the pain in my chest.
I spend more time during my bath than I usually do,because I'd cry silently under the water.
When will it go away?
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