LIES.LIES.THEY WERE ALL LIES.

Lies.Lies.Lies.All lies.

 Mom lied to me.Dad's probably the worst.
Blaming me.Blaming me for not working hard enough for the result I got.
When we went to get my result,Mom said it was okay.She was satisfied.Then why tell me I'm not enough NOW? Why tell me I didn't work hard enough NOW?
Liars.

 And the worst thing is,I can't even go to my sister for this.Because why? Because she'd say the same thing.That I'm useless.Worthless.not enough.

 Is it because I didn't show them? Is it because I kept on putting that brave,bold,carelessly easygoing unstressful font? Is it because I hid my humongously growing insecurities and tears when I could barely keep myself together in the middle of the fucking night alone,locked in my room?

 I gave it all I've got.

 Why isn't that good enough for them? I'm not good at improvising.I answered the questions as best as I could even when I've never seen the damn pattern all my 5 years of studying wasted life.I was fucking lucky I've got any A's at all.

 I'm already insecure as fuck.Of fucking course I would never tell them because they will laugh in my face and call it bullshit.It's always me bullshitting.
Especially Onee-san.
I thought we had gone a long way from our sisterhood but apparently,one bullshit result changes all,even family ties.

 Should I just agree to them that I had not cared shit about my studies? Should I just agree to them that I was never good enough and because of that one lone result,I could never be? Should I stop caring?

 I'm not enough.
I'm not good enough.
And apparently,I never will be.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nightmare in White

 Last night, I had the most horrible dream. Recently, I've gotten the habit of sleeping on the couch, being the couch potato that I am. Most days, I'm too tired to carry my ass up to my bedroom and sleep properly on my bed. Days when I'd forget to do my night skincare and then regret it horribly the next day.  Same case happened last night. I took a shower, ate dinner on the couch with Natsume Yuujinchou on, and fell asleep. It tends to be cold downstairs in the living room at night, and I was wearing short shorts so my legs were freezing. I briefly remember pulling a blanket over my legs in my sleep haze. The details of my dream are hazy by now, but I can still feel the intense disgust and horror at the bottom of my throat. There was the air of something big happening, bustling noises of people moving. There was someone walking beside me, mumbling noises in the background. Everything in my eyesight was filled the golden color, as if we were walking in a ripe wheat field by
Read more

A Semblance of Balance

Image
Hi, guys. It's been a while. No worries, I have my reason, which entails two words. Mom, and the black sheep. Mom was pissed he wouldn't go to school 'cause he stayed up late surfin' the net, so she confiscated the wi-fi. It's connected now for the weekend 'cause my baby bro is home for the moment and he pleaded the case with Dad. Way to go, baby bro! x3 That said, I'll only post a few stuff here and there for these two days. Now, regarding my last post, it was the first night after many many months of self-recovery a relapse of that degree. As I stated, it used to happen frequently during my high school days, usually when I am alone because of course I would never have them when I am with my sis or my baby bro since those voices have no place in my head when I am happy and content. I locked the door, and spent the night retching in the toilet bowl. I had records, but they were all gone with the flood. So that's that. Funnily, the urge had grown
Read more

"Toukan Koukan" ; Exchange of equal value

Image
Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is the best of the best anime can offer.  I resolutely stand by this statement, even when there are countless of other animes that can teach us many things such as Gosick, Soul Eater, The Children who Chased Lost Voices, Code Geass, Sword Art Online, Tokyo Ghoul, No 6, and many more I could name. The first moment I finished FMAB, it felt like I had gone through a life and came out in tatters. So much truth put in one series. So much life. Especially when it's adorned with death. When has it not? Life and Death goes hand in hand. The one thing I love the most was the First Law of Alchemy, Equivalent Exchange. It is fair, is it not? To give all and take nothing is arguably noble. Modern people would say it's stupid and wasteful. Wise people would know that there is something more at work than the naked eyes. On the other hand, to take all and give nothing is selfish. No arguments. I don't watch these things for entertainme
Read more