AkImA No NiKkI

Unsurprisingly, I've been re-acquainting myself with the pastas. I guess the horror adrenaline keeps me on guard for any more panic attacks. LOL. Ironic, I know. Some of the friends I made here aren't as bad. I admit that I may have even sported  a few soft spots for them. Then again, I've always found myself to be a tad lenient to those I consider friends. And I don't even have that many of them. Most are just what I call acquaintances.  They're okay. Sore yori, I'm starting to think that I should cut some slack on the depressive songs and stories because for one, they don't help much other than give me entertainment. Two, they could be adding up my own depression. Not very helpful, isn't it? But as always, dark things are very inevitably addictive . Once you're hooked, well, I can't say for the rest. I've always thought they were beautiful. Hiding several meanings under one line, or maybe even a word is unnervingly smart, and I&

It has been a while since I cried myself to sleep. I don't understand . It's not like I've been building up anything inside me. In fact, I feel like I've held nothing back since I was found out (or I busted myself) about my trauma. I thought I was recovering. Is this a process? Was it a rebound? The trigger wasn't even an outside factor. I was scared by my own image, formulated completely by my mind. Why do you hate me so much? The image left a sick feeling in my gut and I wanted to throw up. It made me want to cut something. Or hit something. Just to see if it hurts. At these moments that I remembered how Qie and I used to cry on each other. It's not that I don't have choices, but rather, this is what I've chosen. To be alone. Qie doesn't mind when I would cry out of nowhere. Simply by holding my hands, I would crumble into a heap of snot and mess and bawl on her lap while she silently stroke my hair. One of the reasons I love h

The past keeps haunting me. Whether it was the trauma or the memories or those persons themselves, they keep coming back to haunt me in the present. Why? I want to let go. I want for it to be over. I want nothing more to do with it. I want for someday when I would be able to look back willingly, I will smile and truly greet them without bitterness. My 'demons' . One keeps me from sleeping. One makes my heart ache with whatever residue of feelings left. One eloquently disabled my speaking ability. Please, I want to move forward. If it needs me to be in the care of a legal psychiatrist,so be it. I need to stop feeling for the past and start looking for the present and the future. I know that I've probably lost sight of a good deal of things from the present that flies so fast into the future while having my hands full with mementos of the past. I don't want that. For Akira, Yes, I loved you. Yes, I chose to ran away(yet again) from you because I wa

I don't need this feeling. I've threw it away a long time ago. I shouldn't feel like this anymore. I don't want to. What I did was I thought for my own good. And for his sake just as well. There's nothing good comes out from being with me. All of it was unnecessary. I was scared. Of all things that could scare the shit out of me is the feeling of falling in love with someone. Scared shitless. Because love is just that scary. The thought that one person, ONE, would be thought to worth more than yourself, and your family, and your friends, is scarier than the thought of the sky suddenly raining candies and gummy bears. (that came out of nowhere but you get the point.) My only excuse was that I was scared . I was scared that I've begun to care for him and started to like him more than I should. I was scared that if he pulled a wrong step, I would be hurt so bad I'll break. I was scared of both him and myself. It was why I decided to break f