AkImA No NiKkI

Around the end of last month, we all knew I had a close tipping edge. This is the aftermath. Amelia stopped me in time, just like she had ever since shit hit the fan. Before, I never had to be pushed so far because we were always in each other's orbit to know something's wrong. It never got too far because she was there to nip it in the bud, quick and efficient as if she's done it a thousand times. This is our first real long-term separation since we found each other, and I expected nothing less. To say I expected taking one more step to the cliff in her absence isn't too far a stretch. I know our separation took its toll on her just as much, but I've always been the pessimist between us. My reckless action last month has been a betrayal to her trust in me. I have become her trigger. I'm not proud of what I did. Nevertheless, I have to accept the consequences.  My words no longer bear the same conviction as before. They made her bitter to m

This love/hate relationship with my emotions is endless. For the same reason I envy sociopaths never having to deal with these "feelings".  They may consider differently, but I think we both would agree that you cannot miss something you never had. How freeing it would be, to just not "feel". My childhood days -as far as I remember at school, demureness gained me somewhat peace in the class. I hated socializing even then and preferred the company of dreams or books. I was never bullied because of my temper, so my days blended together. Other kids never minded my lack-of-feeling or at least, what I didn't show.  That's kids for you. In my teen years, I learnt to slip a crack. Show my feelings to only some I choose or trust. Some admired my strength of control, and some pitied me for having to do so. They questioned my reason, some would agree, some would not. Opening up is dangerous, as far as I could tell. When you let yourself to be happy, you als

FEELINGS! FEELINGS EVERYWHERE! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FEELS I'M HOLDING IN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I FINISHED HANNIBAL SEASON 3 AND GUESS WHAT, HANNIGRAM IS FUCKING CANON!! IT'S A MARVELOUS DAY TO BE ALIVE!! asfgdhkjlasjdhhf!!! Okay. I'll reel it in now. *takes deep breath*   *exhales* Before, I'd expressed my doubt for this ship in earlier post back when I started watching Hannibal TV series. I saw it as what normal people would've seen it, a twisted obsession gained by manipulation, and while it is not exactly untrue, the series gradually shows Will's character development. And it's beautiful. It's heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Destiel is my OTP but Hannigram is one of my ships and having it BEING FUCKING CANON BEFORE DESTIEL IS DOING THINGS TO MY INSIDES. That said, Bryan Fuller is truly a magnificent and wonderful human being. I want to write an ode to his magnificence and string poetry about him in my books. Heck I DID string poetry about h

Mom just had a heart-to-heart talk to me. I say "to" and not "with" because in reality, I hadn't participated. It was an intervention, not a discussion.  It wasn't that I wasn't allowed to, I was simply..afraid. The truth is, she had seen me crying on the phone with Amelia two days ago (as written per my last post) and she had assumed it was over a boy (ridiculous since we all know how flat my love-life is) or a book (understandable.) or a storyline (also understandable.). I'd given her the usual "I'm fine, it's nothing" but she's quite persistent. It's obvious she knew I'm hiding a lotta shit, but I think she might be referring to the failed interviews. Or at least, I hope she is.  She told me I've been an egotistical assbutt (not in that wording but you get the gist) and while I agree I was before everything went up to shit, the thought that went through my mind was "yeah but right now I'm just a pile

So many things backfired today. Where do I start? You know that little things, when piled up, become one large humongous pile? Remember when I said I should start loving myself to counter the amount of self-hate I have in me? Well, that's one of the things that backfired. Among the others. This morning started out normal enough. Sis was a little bit pissy but nothing out of the ordinary, I guess. Baby bro's gonna go back to his hostel this evening, as usual. She had berated me for my inability to yet drive a car safely and the brief pang of shame, disappointment, failure hurt was no stranger. Being degraded these days isn't uncommon for me after the colossal mistake that cost me my degree offer. I suppose it's a fair punishment. I hadn't intended to be so petty, and I wasn't ignoring her on purpose. By that time, the screams were getting too loud to ignore. I should've written down about it when it started a few weeks ago but somehow I've stop

Oh, hello, young beautiful readers. As you can see from the title, I have devised a strategic and wonderful plan filled with youthful determination to revert myself to the old me who had zero fucks to give. No, I do not need your opinion nor do I want it, but if you are curious to the reasons, you may stay and listen. And remember, whatever it is you have to say, I will smile and politely react with sentences along the lines of "pardon me good person but I do not give a fuck." . I will hear a lot of words from such  reactions such as "immature" , "childish" , "stupid" , "naive" , "bitch" , "asshole" , "annoying" , etc etc. But worry not, for I do not give a fuck. Ah, I can feel the tension and stress slipping away from my bones already. What a wise choice it was, wasn't it? :)) You see, I was a happy and content child. I gave no fucks to everything that wasn't important and I was happy.

I woke up with a jolt, and an eerie sense of nostalgia. The nightmare was fading away the second I opened my eyes, but the tear tracks remain cold and stinging on my face. I turned to my pillow and sniffed wetly at the cold spot. Another one. I let out a sigh. I reached out to my phone, thinking to read some fluffy Destiel fics before I get up and start the day. I didn't want to start it with this kind of awakening. Then I read the wrong fic. Perhaps the author was lost in the art of tagging. Perhaps he/she forgot to plaster a warning of triggers on the fic but either way, it was too late when I finished it.  I spent the next two hours sobbing and sniffling into my already wet pillow. Dean wouldn't hurt Cas like that. Never. This is wrong. WRONG . And yet there were doubts needlessly voicing their unwanted opinions. He wouldn't.... break Cas like that.. Sure, the hunter was freaking insensitive sometimes and they've both beaten each other bloody (almost kill

It is known that I save no residual unnecessary emotions toward the people I meet and vice versa. But the things I write today can always be blamed to the rolling waves of unstable emotional hormones raging through my double X chromosomed bloodstreams. Should any of these be quoted subtly or directly in real life, I will deny it through and through till the day my constipated sense of LOGIC ceases to exist. Thy has been warned. I found my old Drama class' Reader's Theatre performance due to one link in one particular class president of mine's Youtube account. He knows who he is. *smirk* I won't say who, but you can give the credits directly to the boss himself. Btw, my group is Quotes for Marriage and I'm the dude who married 4 chicks who ended up being bestfriends way back. *sigh* the practices were horrendously tiring. But well-spent. I didn't know these were on Youtube. Personally, I hardly care. But seeing these people again made me feel sorta

Free will is a gift. It makes our choices....ours. Not pressured. Not bullied. Not manipulated. Not controlled. People whose choices have been taken away understands. And their generations who take their history to heart should be able, too. Freedom is hard won. Realize this. Ah, but the one thing that spits on freedom as it does on every positive and happy thing ever exist is....surprise, surprise, HATE. Not only it spits on it, it shits on it too. We've heard about every little word created from HATE ; racism, sexism, fascism. I believe it's good that the world's changing for the better and trying to educate more of the public about how much HATE destroys the good and hurt people in ways no human should ever have to experience in their lives. Few days ago, I unfortunately met a bigoted racist. Just because he lives in a supposedly modern society where "conservative" is considered constricting and forced, he shamed my race and country and belief and basic

Who needs social life when you can have a fandom one? That's what I always say. hehe Also, there is such a thing as a multi-fandom. I mean, right now I'm rock bottom in SPN Fandom but that doesn't mean I'm not in the Avengers Fandom or Sherlock Fandom or Harry Potter Fandom. Frankly, I can fangirl to any words in any of these fandoms, namely burst into a puddle of gross sobbing and wailing tears. Be thankful I'm not in any musical band's fandom. At first I thought, I'd just watch these series and see if it's good. I didn't expect to be consumed by them and have them willingly ruin my life and soul for eternity.  Nobody expects it, trust me. It just....happens.  In real world, I function as normal as everyone else. Unless someone mentions any triggering words associated with the fandoms, everything should be safe. LOL Things get real tricky when we fangirls/boys recognize each other though. Like meeting an estranged family member who yo

I've just finished it, and can I say it is awesome. Yes, it is awesome. Not only I relate about 95% of the content, it has a list of recommended books I can add up to my books-to-buy list. A story of the relationship between a son and his mother, what's not to love? Sis and I have always been suckers for family related books. And while upstanding my own opinions on certain thoughts, I agree with the first thing Will Schwalbe had said on page 6, first Chapter ; Crossing to Safety which is to say quote unquote (in case of spoilers) that when you have terminal illness, there isn't likely a surprise ending. You can be fairly certain of what fate has in store. It isn't like Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern , where Celia and Marco drifts off between death and living -not quite dead, not quite alive. It isn't like The Stand by Stephen King , where the characters I'd thought will survive till the end met an unexpected demise (read : Nick) , and the ones I

Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is the best of the best anime can offer.  I resolutely stand by this statement, even when there are countless of other animes that can teach us many things such as Gosick, Soul Eater, The Children who Chased Lost Voices, Code Geass, Sword Art Online, Tokyo Ghoul, No 6, and many more I could name. The first moment I finished FMAB, it felt like I had gone through a life and came out in tatters. So much truth put in one series. So much life. Especially when it's adorned with death. When has it not? Life and Death goes hand in hand. The one thing I love the most was the First Law of Alchemy, Equivalent Exchange. It is fair, is it not? To give all and take nothing is arguably noble. Modern people would say it's stupid and wasteful. Wise people would know that there is something more at work than the naked eyes. On the other hand, to take all and give nothing is selfish. No arguments. I don't watch these things for entertainme

Some people can move from book to book easily. Flitting about from one hard-cover to another soft worn bind. They go through their stacks of books in record time, leaving them more often than not, bereft with repetition until they stack up a new stock. Others, like me, find it not as easy. I'm not saying anything, whether it's bad or good or both. That depends on one's opinion and preferences. I am putting this, as always, to put my own mind to rest. Once, I was like that too.  Flitting my way book to book, bind to bind, eager to fill up my whole mind with new and fresh substance. Like a hummingbird on a flower craze. I didn't dwell on one story once I deemed the plot and such satisfactory or more. I needed to find something to look forward to so I won't be bored. I had small attention-span as young minds often do. I figured, once I finish this book, I'll know how it ends and how it goes so I can always read it again. The notion remains pointles

Some people have trouble writing from their heart.  During school, this is an advantage, or so what I learned from it. I've never gotten the hang of that stuff up till now. Truth be told, I was never a good writer in school. I couldn't get the points I wanted because I needed to adhere to the Ministry's standard. I couldn't use the words to correctly tell my opinions and feelings because in academic writing, emotions are considered banal. They used the word, "bias". Often times, I had to get additional lessons from the teacher so that I'd write according to the legalized standard of each and each school. I was told that I am writing for an exam.  Not for my diary. Well, duh. You don't see me cursing like a sailor on steroids in an exam paper. The mildest I went was "heck". I even changed "ass" to "butt". (oops, SPN reference. it just happened! xD) That's downright innocent. Other kids need

Hullo. So there's this tiny tidbit I'm offering about the aftermath of my epic fainted-and-split-my-head-on-the-floor incident. It's been 5 days, and I've got these headaches, throbbing around my head, and it's gradually becoming more and more painful. Is that normal? Should I be worried? I mean, if I hadn't had cracked my head on the floor I wouldn't even be the tiniest bit concerned about it but yeah, I just got my head cracked on the floor so the frequency of these headaches are kinda making me edgy. Maybe I should've taken Dad on that offer about the hospital bit after all. Get my head checked. Physically, of course.

Topic : Bullying. In my opinion, a major anomaly yet being treated as "normal" in our society shows how much of a defective society we are. Who are we to judge someone a 'freak'? God? Saint? But this fact is lost to children. Bullies in highschool or workplace can be rationalized, because the mind is capable of words. Middle or primary school, however, should be prevented from the beginning. Just like in Kazoku Game. Sis recommended me a Korean drama called Who Are You : School 2015. It's about sisterhood and stuff but I'm only 6 eps deep and all I see is various cases of bullying. Highchool and adult world aside, children who bullies are children either shrieking help of abuse or shrieking the ways they are taught.  If this was 10 years or 5 years ago, I wouldn't have thought from the bullies POV. Because my priorities were small, and my bullshit tolerance even smaller. I've never been bullied my whole life. I stand up for myself, and I ta