a betrayal I made, the aftermath I take.

Around the end of last month, we all knew I had a close tipping edge.

This is the aftermath.

Amelia stopped me in time, just like she had ever since shit hit the fan. Before, I never had to be pushed so far because we were always in each other's orbit to know something's wrong. It never got too far because she was there to nip it in the bud, quick and efficient as if she's done it a thousand times.

This is our first real long-term separation since we found each other, and I expected nothing less.

To say I expected taking one more step to the cliff in her absence isn't too far a stretch. I know our separation took its toll on her just as much, but I've always been the pessimist between us.

My reckless action last month has been a betrayal to her trust in me.

I have become her trigger.

I'm not proud of what I did. Nevertheless, I have to accept the consequences. 

My words no longer bear the same conviction as before. They made her bitter to my comfort. It scared her that I'd forgotten my promises and would vow to cut me off before I make more damage. I understand, because I'd do the same if roles were reversed. 

"You're not the only one who refused to open up because you'll surely get attached and you do not want to experience the pain of loss, if there's any, at all. More than you think.

If I feel like I'm in danger of wrecking my own heart, I honestly do not think the trust would return. 

I'm not saying I'm leaving, but if I have to stay without trust, I might as well." She said.

I understand. I won't ask you to stay against your wishes, should things come to that point.

I admit that was a mistake on my behalf. Just as much you were scared to lose me, I had long thought I lost you. Fear had rid me of every sane thoughts I had, till you came along.

I accept your distrust, because I accept what I had tried to do was a mistake.

Regardless, you reminded me I have promises to keep. And so I shall.

Only because you deserve nothing less. I said.

Then, in a true Amelia-fashioned way, she asked for a regular sized plateful of smoking BBQ chicken from Dominoes. To say I let out a relieved and heartful breath was an understatement.

If I had somebody to snuggle to, I would bury my face in his chest and shrink myself in his arms, sniffling of relief. To think this love is too precious that the thought of parting with it is too painful to even consider. 
This friendship. 

The extent of how deep this friendship goes is terrifying, yet worth every lick of fear and pain it caused. This is the kind of bond I'd fight for, because it's damn worth it.

I'm sorry I had become your trigger, but I swear I'd make it up to you.
I made you a promise I'll stay, and by everything I love and cherish I swear to you I will.