Learning to Co-exist

"We never defeat our demons, Mordo. We learn to live above them." - Supreme Sorcerer in Doc.Strange.

It's funny, what she said. Because it's true, innit?
You never truly destroy what has the potential to destroy you because it is also a part of what you are. So you find recesses to live above them, and it's a continual effort until the rest of your life.

I've had an exhausting week. Assignments being typed and printed, discussions being scheduled and worked out, tests being discussed and examined, presentations being rolled out and moving, etc etc etc. We're nearing mid-term break the week after and not long until final exam for this term to end. Rush, rush, rush.

Yesterday was fun. I experienced using a Black Room simulation and Rope Rescue during the FireFighter trip to FRAM (Fire Rescue Academy) in Kuala Kubu Bharu and everything was exciting and educational. I genuinely enjoyed myself despite missing a day's class.
Though the backlash showed a little bit today.

Regardless, what I wanted to point out was, even when I am experiencing the average normal range of emotions appropriate per events in my daily lives, the flashing thoughts of self-destruction and generally "bad" thoughts are never completely away.
It's not that the urge only surfaces on bad days and relapse days and nightmare nights.

I always have them.

When I was watching the rope rescue demonstration, a flash of thought of the pocket knife I knew hiding in my drawer (for color pencil and art purposes) with the reminiscent of the initial throb and stinging feeling when the blood drips is quick at the back of my mind. 

I wasn't lying when I said I'm better now. I am.
Yet once you've cut, you never truly leave it behind, even if you don't do it anymore.

It's not specific. More often than not, it's just random times that it pops up.

When I'm choosing dinner.
When a classmate is speaking to me.
When I'm in an educational discussion.
When I'm walking down the corridor, watching the trees sway and the leaves fall.
When the lecturer is telling a personal example to relate to a topic.
When roomie is ordering me to eat and take a shower like a functional human being.
When the class is talking about holidays.
And so on.

It's marginally stronger and more urgent during relapses and sometimes, with several bad nightmares consecutively, I would waver. Those are the days I needed to fight.

I've never smoked a day in my life, but if I did, I bet this is what it felt like.
The smokers or drug addicts would know what I'm explaining about. Cutting is, after all, merely another form of drug. One might argue no less harmful. The mere addiction.

Even if you've quit, the thought would always be there.
You just choose not to act on it.

I'm a little scared right now, though. Because it's been going on for too long, and the urgency is rising. Relapses and nightmares are increasing these couple of months, and luckily, they occur separately and not for long. I dread if they happen to sync, and more if they drag on within a span of time.

You know, regardless of what people say, cutters aren't suicidal. We weren't trying to die.
We were trying to live.

*sigh* but that's what recovery is for.
Recovery is continuous. For as long as you have the potential to relapse, you will need to fight to recover. It's a cycle, like everything in this world is. *shrug*