Attacks Unseen

Right, so I had a minor episode yesterday during marching practice because apparently, I'd been resorting to my old habit of looking down towards God's green earth (or in this case, black road tar) instead of straight forward and when that is done in a period of time in those certain conditions, you are susceptible to fainting spells.

Thus here we are.

Thankfully, it was just a fainting spell and not a full-blown panic attack. I don't know if I could survive another wave of humiliation since the last one when I was 13.
No need to call the nursery, folks! Ahaha.

The fainting spells, I don't particularly mind. I'm used to them (that time when I broke my glasses's lense, and that time I bruised my back falling on my ass, and that time I was saved from faceplanting on a rock, etc etc etc) though I admit it's been a while since I had them. 

The dry-heaving afterwards, on the other hand, is new.

I suppose you could chalk it up to nausea from the spell but it was the first time I had them in public. Ugh, cross one out the bucket of humiliation list.

I'm not saying it's new to me because ha, I regularly have them nightly during meltdowns and panic attacks, it was just that it was a thing to spend them alone in the toilet at god-awful time in the night (or morning) and it was another thing to have them in front of many other strange eyes. As if my vulnerability is suddenly visible in the open.

Of course, I handled it much better than I did last time this happened in public, considering the years of experience dealing with them. Regulating my breath and keeping my head up is basic form. You would think it's sad that I'm used to these formations in the first place lol

The commander said something about getting blood flow back to my face (oh yeah, great reminiscence of what was said about my paleness and coldness) but I wasn't really paying attention. I was focusing on relaxing my heartbeat so my vision could clear up from the color spots because while suffocation and nausea and numbing of limbs are familiar in my regular panic attacks, lost of sight isn't one of them.  

It's disconcerting.
I didn't like it so much.

I was okay soon after though, so no harm done.
On a positive side, I get to stay out of marching practice for the day and just focus on getting my bearings back. God knows how tiring it is to get one of these, like it just saps out your energy smooth as a bottoms tile.

While I'm on top of it, I hope this doesn't repeat in the future. Just because I have these attacks regularly in my own privacy, doesn't mean I'd want them to be seen.

Besides, the only person who have seen and brought me back from the brink is Amelia. I'm not looking forward to prolong that list.