UnProgressive Work
This semester is such hell.
Such fuking hell.
I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it.
You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others.
What exactly am I supposed to reply in response?
I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still.
And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.
But how do I separate that guilt from making a mistake and allowing myself to be cussed out because of that mistake? To even begin with, should I?
They take up the space of my chest and my brain that I couldn't think of work as I should be. Because I worry and worry and worry of how much of that is true and how much of that will happen again because how I am. Even with work, delegating dates and reading notes before a class has become some sort of an empty air bubble.
I am angry, I am sad, I am worried, I am disappointed, I am tired, I am restless, I am anxious, I am scared, I am unmotivated, and I am empty.
How much of these are me, and how much of these are results of someone or something else?
I feel the glass walls closing from front and behind me and I do nothing but breathe.
I don't cut.
No matter how much I want to, I don't. I don't reach for it, I don't think about it, I don't long for it. Because I have a promise and a vow to Mya and because it would hurt beloved.
So I won't.
And I am grateful for beloved, because he sticks by and tries to help in any best way he can and those are the little things. The little things. The educational articles and sites he thought would be helpful in my work and encourages me to not push myself and take breaks and eat and take my meds.
Even when I know his work time isn't forgiving and circumstances are doubly hard as opposed to mine, yet he's the one pushing me forward. It makes you want to work as hard and be as humble as you can.
He listens when I cry and tells me stories when my chest is broken.
The little things that builds.
I only hope I am giving as best as I receive.
I miss my family.
Mainly because back at home, you can't be a whiny bitch.
There's no time or space to be a whiny bitch at home because you'd immediately get shit for it lol and I consider that to be an absolutely good thing because who likes being a whiny bitch.
I stitch these days, thanks to beloved for opening up the path for me to be able to. I've wanted to take up cross-stitching since last semester's break but have not gotten any chance to look for the tools when beloved sent me some for my birthday.
Thank you, beloved >3
The stitching have been calming me down a lot when I am in overly stressed mood. The only time I don't stitch is when I cry because tears blur my eyesight and I often poke my fingers bleeding from trembling. Oh, and I don't want the tears to stain the fabric.
But they are my most loved thing to do when I am overwhelmed.
The stress minutely flows out and before I know it, I can breathe and my chest doesn't hurt anymore. I wish these had been here when I was handling my temper issues, they would've been great with that.
I have to set an alarm for certain points of time when I stitch because I can get so lost in stitching I forget to spare other time for work and food and private chores.
I like to give them as gifts, though. To people I love.
Anyway, I'll try not to be a whiny bitch so much about work and be as professional as I can.
Such fuking hell.
I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it.
You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others.
What exactly am I supposed to reply in response?
I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still.
And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.
But how do I separate that guilt from making a mistake and allowing myself to be cussed out because of that mistake? To even begin with, should I?
They take up the space of my chest and my brain that I couldn't think of work as I should be. Because I worry and worry and worry of how much of that is true and how much of that will happen again because how I am. Even with work, delegating dates and reading notes before a class has become some sort of an empty air bubble.
I am angry, I am sad, I am worried, I am disappointed, I am tired, I am restless, I am anxious, I am scared, I am unmotivated, and I am empty.
How much of these are me, and how much of these are results of someone or something else?
I feel the glass walls closing from front and behind me and I do nothing but breathe.
I don't cut.
No matter how much I want to, I don't. I don't reach for it, I don't think about it, I don't long for it. Because I have a promise and a vow to Mya and because it would hurt beloved.
So I won't.
And I am grateful for beloved, because he sticks by and tries to help in any best way he can and those are the little things. The little things. The educational articles and sites he thought would be helpful in my work and encourages me to not push myself and take breaks and eat and take my meds.
Even when I know his work time isn't forgiving and circumstances are doubly hard as opposed to mine, yet he's the one pushing me forward. It makes you want to work as hard and be as humble as you can.
He listens when I cry and tells me stories when my chest is broken.
The little things that builds.
I only hope I am giving as best as I receive.
I miss my family.
Mainly because back at home, you can't be a whiny bitch.
There's no time or space to be a whiny bitch at home because you'd immediately get shit for it lol and I consider that to be an absolutely good thing because who likes being a whiny bitch.
I stitch these days, thanks to beloved for opening up the path for me to be able to. I've wanted to take up cross-stitching since last semester's break but have not gotten any chance to look for the tools when beloved sent me some for my birthday.
Thank you, beloved >3
The stitching have been calming me down a lot when I am in overly stressed mood. The only time I don't stitch is when I cry because tears blur my eyesight and I often poke my fingers bleeding from trembling. Oh, and I don't want the tears to stain the fabric.
But they are my most loved thing to do when I am overwhelmed.
The stress minutely flows out and before I know it, I can breathe and my chest doesn't hurt anymore. I wish these had been here when I was handling my temper issues, they would've been great with that.
I have to set an alarm for certain points of time when I stitch because I can get so lost in stitching I forget to spare other time for work and food and private chores.
I like to give them as gifts, though. To people I love.
Anyway, I'll try not to be a whiny bitch so much about work and be as professional as I can.
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