Inarticulate
Last weekends, I went home, to make my passport. Because I have no class on Fridays till Mondays, that makes my weekends 4 days long a week, so I feel very blessed.
Despite having these long days of weekends, I don't necessarily go home often, because it takes me half a day by travel alone and it's a waste of money if I have nothing important to resolve back home. I went back last weekends because I need the passport to cross the borders to Thailand, since I will be tagging along with my clan having a holiday in Hatnyai. Hopefully it won't be boring because sis isn't going thus I won't have anyone to socialize with.
Moving on to the thought at hand, on the morning of my departure to the bus station from home back to college, I was given an impromptu lecture from mom and dad as we were having breakfast. I know, I know.
By now I should have been expert at washing off their words over me and learn not to take them at face value, but they caught me off guard that morning, and I didn't have any sleep the night before, so forgive my temporary mental weakness.
Even if you ask, I have no idea what triggered the occasion. I don't often do, with them.
For some reason, dad starts off with how disobedient I am, how selfish and arrogant, that I think I can solve my problems on my own and not consulting them about anything. Mom asks if I'm still taking medicine. Dad goes into another rant about how dependent I am of the worldly matters, mom continues to add that my illnesses are genetic as she lists off several of our aunts and uncles who have the "same" problem (when she was describing their symptoms to me, I made guesses in my head, like, "those symptoms could allude to schizophrenia..that could've been treated if y'all don't have such a strong stigma against mental illness..and the other could've been controlled with anger management therapies..") and that they lived with it just "fine" because they are pious and religious people, so obviously I'm the one doing it wrong. I kept my head down so far, that I feel like my head was parallel with the tablest surface. What was I to say about their discrimination against mental illness? Mom still disapproves of my medicines, regardless that it has been the best decision I have made since accepting TESL Foundation in Shah Alam.
Being scolded because I keep my silence, and then scolded again because I opened my mouth.
Different people have different way of coping, they understand that much when it's about strangers, but when looking at their daughter, suddenly it's wrong.
I dare not say anything.
My meds have been a huge help, and I deserve that much help after all the years suffering, and suffering, and suffering, alone, in my room.
I kept my head down, and said nothing.
Afterwards, as I kiss their hands, dad kissed my cheeks almost like an apology, and mom spoke in softer voice than I ever heard her use.
And I depart in silence.
Despite having these long days of weekends, I don't necessarily go home often, because it takes me half a day by travel alone and it's a waste of money if I have nothing important to resolve back home. I went back last weekends because I need the passport to cross the borders to Thailand, since I will be tagging along with my clan having a holiday in Hatnyai. Hopefully it won't be boring because sis isn't going thus I won't have anyone to socialize with.
Moving on to the thought at hand, on the morning of my departure to the bus station from home back to college, I was given an impromptu lecture from mom and dad as we were having breakfast. I know, I know.
By now I should have been expert at washing off their words over me and learn not to take them at face value, but they caught me off guard that morning, and I didn't have any sleep the night before, so forgive my temporary mental weakness.
Even if you ask, I have no idea what triggered the occasion. I don't often do, with them.
For some reason, dad starts off with how disobedient I am, how selfish and arrogant, that I think I can solve my problems on my own and not consulting them about anything. Mom asks if I'm still taking medicine. Dad goes into another rant about how dependent I am of the worldly matters, mom continues to add that my illnesses are genetic as she lists off several of our aunts and uncles who have the "same" problem (when she was describing their symptoms to me, I made guesses in my head, like, "those symptoms could allude to schizophrenia..that could've been treated if y'all don't have such a strong stigma against mental illness..and the other could've been controlled with anger management therapies..") and that they lived with it just "fine" because they are pious and religious people, so obviously I'm the one doing it wrong. I kept my head down so far, that I feel like my head was parallel with the tablest surface. What was I to say about their discrimination against mental illness? Mom still disapproves of my medicines, regardless that it has been the best decision I have made since accepting TESL Foundation in Shah Alam.
Being scolded because I keep my silence, and then scolded again because I opened my mouth.
Different people have different way of coping, they understand that much when it's about strangers, but when looking at their daughter, suddenly it's wrong.
I dare not say anything.
My meds have been a huge help, and I deserve that much help after all the years suffering, and suffering, and suffering, alone, in my room.
I kept my head down, and said nothing.
Afterwards, as I kiss their hands, dad kissed my cheeks almost like an apology, and mom spoke in softer voice than I ever heard her use.
And I depart in silence.
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