Upsetting Balance
Last week was a small show of a circus. It was week without walls so we had no classes other than completing assignments via digital means, thus I spent the week sleeping despite knowing I could have spent it doing my thesis because for some reason my brain short-circuits no matter how long I sit in front of the opened document.
I was sleeping unabashedly like I was back in asasi, for days on end with only brief moments of consciousness. I remember settling into the warm confines of my bed on Wednesday, only to wake up (after checking my phone) on a Saturday. That's a new record.
Before you ask, no I didn't eat. No I didn't drink.
For the entire 4 days? Yes.
Reasonably, I only woke up on Saturday because there was a slimey feeling between my legs and realized I've woken up in a pool of my own blood. Honestly, not the first time either. The depression "nap" turned into a depression "coma" and with the period, it was not uncommon for me. PMS is always, without a doubt, a bitch.
The fucked up fettering unreasonable emotions that comes along throughout it is also uncommon, and also, a bitch to ride with.
But I was craving ramen when I woke up so I called up Moose to pick me up in half an hour and go to the mall. Moose, the ever relenting pseudo-brother, agrees. Don't get me wrong, if he already had a prior thing, he would've said and I would've gone on my own just as well. It was better luck that he was free and I preferred a companion. I prefer not to drive if I'm going out for fun because less stress for me.
During our hang out, several things needed to be documented.
One, I got thrown into a flashback while we were eating oden in McD because for some ungodly reason, there was an alarm. It took me by surprise and with my mind unstable from the long sleep and chemical imbalance from period, I was immediately transported back into that night in my dorm fighting for my life. I barely felt my hands shaking from trying to contain my breath from collapsing and tears from burning behind my eyelids.
I needed to get out of my head, fast, before I break.
Moose drew me out with my somewhat shaky instructions, and it took me a couple of seconds to focus on his face. I was able to smile, despite how brittle it seemed, and I was okay. Honestly, I call it a win. After 10 years now, I would have never thought how far I could get better with my PTSD but this is a raw example. I know Moose felt guilty he couldn't do anything while it was happening, but it was thousand times better than what would've happened if I was alone.
Two, while we were hanging out, he asked me if I ever have a significant other, and that person would ask me to limit or forbid my interaction with him because he is of the opposite sex, would I do it? Belatedly, I remember a parallel of this very line of conversation with my male friends from highschool. My answer back then and my answer that day has not changed.
If I have a significant other and they ask me to limit or forbid my interaction with my friends simply because they are of the opposite sex, my answer is this : I will not.
Because if my partner cannot bring themselves to trust me with my friends, they can work on that on their own. That's their problem. If you can't trust me, then why the fuck are we together?
Check yourself.
I will not lose people who have given me their time and effort to pull me through the darkest of my times to someone who can't even check their inner shit and imposing their own crap on me. I will not abandon them when they have yet to abandon me.
My partner can change over time. My friends will not.
I asked Moose if I ever get a significant other, will he abandon me, and he said he won't. And you know what? I trust him.
Because the difference between him and my other male friends from highschool is that he prioritizes me, the friend, rather than what other dickheads would say. The rest of them had chastised me, saying that it was better if I "stayed loyal to my significant other". The absolute disrespect was unsurprising. What, if I was hanging out with males other from who I'm romantically involved with and my blood-related family, I'm a disloyal whore?
This is why I never tell them shit.
People, if you cheat while going out without your signifcant other, that's on nobody else but you. Bitch, if I cheat, that's on me. And similarly, if you cheat, that's on you. Ain't on nobody fucking else.
But something upset me. Moose told me how he got snides and endured through people giving him shit when I was still with my ex 2 years ago, because apparently he was supposed to "do the noble thing" and limit our interaction. I was pissed.
Of course he didn't give a fuck to those dick-sucking assfucks and I am truly grateful he didn't because there were times in those years I wouldn't have pulled through if it wasn't for him around. Bitches, do yall think if a depressed person got into a romantic relationship their mental sickness would just evaporate into thin fucking air? Huh? Do yall?
Cause then I hope y'all got ram over by a fucking truck and squished beyong fucking recognition you sick fucking assbitch.
I didn't know. I never cared about what other people said because bitches will talk. They do little else. But to think they would push someone close to me to abandon me because it was, what, inappropriate? Bitch I will shove my entire foot up your ass you will puke shoes.
Moose is one of my bestfriends, someone I consider a big brother. How dare you.
How fucking dare you. If I fucking kill myself because you took away one of my most important support systems,I will fucking pin that on you, you sexist fucking cowards.
See you in hell.
If he leaves me, he will do it of his own fucking accord. And we will settle it between us. Bitches aren't invited.
Third, Sis turned 27 recently, so here we have a discreet yet official O'TANJOUBI OMEDETO, NEE-SAN~! XD
Congratulations on living another year, which is a win for us lol
Four, Mya and Indah recently just had their convocations too. Well, Indah did. Mya's is tomorrow, and I'm attending with Sara and another friend. Fortunately I don't have class tomorrow so we could take the entire day relaxingly. Congratulations for graduating~!
I was sleeping unabashedly like I was back in asasi, for days on end with only brief moments of consciousness. I remember settling into the warm confines of my bed on Wednesday, only to wake up (after checking my phone) on a Saturday. That's a new record.
Before you ask, no I didn't eat. No I didn't drink.
For the entire 4 days? Yes.
Reasonably, I only woke up on Saturday because there was a slimey feeling between my legs and realized I've woken up in a pool of my own blood. Honestly, not the first time either. The depression "nap" turned into a depression "coma" and with the period, it was not uncommon for me. PMS is always, without a doubt, a bitch.
The fucked up fettering unreasonable emotions that comes along throughout it is also uncommon, and also, a bitch to ride with.
But I was craving ramen when I woke up so I called up Moose to pick me up in half an hour and go to the mall. Moose, the ever relenting pseudo-brother, agrees. Don't get me wrong, if he already had a prior thing, he would've said and I would've gone on my own just as well. It was better luck that he was free and I preferred a companion. I prefer not to drive if I'm going out for fun because less stress for me.
During our hang out, several things needed to be documented.
One, I got thrown into a flashback while we were eating oden in McD because for some ungodly reason, there was an alarm. It took me by surprise and with my mind unstable from the long sleep and chemical imbalance from period, I was immediately transported back into that night in my dorm fighting for my life. I barely felt my hands shaking from trying to contain my breath from collapsing and tears from burning behind my eyelids.
I needed to get out of my head, fast, before I break.
Moose drew me out with my somewhat shaky instructions, and it took me a couple of seconds to focus on his face. I was able to smile, despite how brittle it seemed, and I was okay. Honestly, I call it a win. After 10 years now, I would have never thought how far I could get better with my PTSD but this is a raw example. I know Moose felt guilty he couldn't do anything while it was happening, but it was thousand times better than what would've happened if I was alone.
Two, while we were hanging out, he asked me if I ever have a significant other, and that person would ask me to limit or forbid my interaction with him because he is of the opposite sex, would I do it? Belatedly, I remember a parallel of this very line of conversation with my male friends from highschool. My answer back then and my answer that day has not changed.
If I have a significant other and they ask me to limit or forbid my interaction with my friends simply because they are of the opposite sex, my answer is this : I will not.
Because if my partner cannot bring themselves to trust me with my friends, they can work on that on their own. That's their problem. If you can't trust me, then why the fuck are we together?
Check yourself.
I will not lose people who have given me their time and effort to pull me through the darkest of my times to someone who can't even check their inner shit and imposing their own crap on me. I will not abandon them when they have yet to abandon me.
My partner can change over time. My friends will not.
I asked Moose if I ever get a significant other, will he abandon me, and he said he won't. And you know what? I trust him.
Because the difference between him and my other male friends from highschool is that he prioritizes me, the friend, rather than what other dickheads would say. The rest of them had chastised me, saying that it was better if I "stayed loyal to my significant other". The absolute disrespect was unsurprising. What, if I was hanging out with males other from who I'm romantically involved with and my blood-related family, I'm a disloyal whore?
This is why I never tell them shit.
People, if you cheat while going out without your signifcant other, that's on nobody else but you. Bitch, if I cheat, that's on me. And similarly, if you cheat, that's on you. Ain't on nobody fucking else.
But something upset me. Moose told me how he got snides and endured through people giving him shit when I was still with my ex 2 years ago, because apparently he was supposed to "do the noble thing" and limit our interaction. I was pissed.
Of course he didn't give a fuck to those dick-sucking assfucks and I am truly grateful he didn't because there were times in those years I wouldn't have pulled through if it wasn't for him around. Bitches, do yall think if a depressed person got into a romantic relationship their mental sickness would just evaporate into thin fucking air? Huh? Do yall?
Cause then I hope y'all got ram over by a fucking truck and squished beyong fucking recognition you sick fucking assbitch.
I didn't know. I never cared about what other people said because bitches will talk. They do little else. But to think they would push someone close to me to abandon me because it was, what, inappropriate? Bitch I will shove my entire foot up your ass you will puke shoes.
Moose is one of my bestfriends, someone I consider a big brother. How dare you.
How fucking dare you. If I fucking kill myself because you took away one of my most important support systems,I will fucking pin that on you, you sexist fucking cowards.
See you in hell.
If he leaves me, he will do it of his own fucking accord. And we will settle it between us. Bitches aren't invited.
Third, Sis turned 27 recently, so here we have a discreet yet official O'TANJOUBI OMEDETO, NEE-SAN~! XD
Congratulations on living another year, which is a win for us lol
Four, Mya and Indah recently just had their convocations too. Well, Indah did. Mya's is tomorrow, and I'm attending with Sara and another friend. Fortunately I don't have class tomorrow so we could take the entire day relaxingly. Congratulations for graduating~!
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