I Just Want To Cry.. Is it So bad?

Goddammit just let me cry.
It's better than cutting myself open.
Why won't the tears come out?
Is the pain not painful enough?

That's right.
As long as I can keep myself composed and together even as the fire burns inside me, the tears won't come out.
As long as I'm not screaming murder because of the horrible pain in my limbs, my body will not deem it tear-worthy.
As long as I can look normal and talk normal, so will my brain perceive it.
I've been deceiving it too long for it to know what I really feel by now.

I've lied and lied and lied so many times to myself that I can face this.
I can take it up like a stable person and at like a sane human in this miserable society.
I can stand up.
I can fight.

And when the night comes, and the pain visits me..
  
Well.. Let's say that I don't look like I'm hurting at all with my body laying limp on the bed staring pointlessly up the ceiling.

Like the pain in my chest wasn't constricting my breaths.
Like the air in my throat wasn't clogged up and choking me.
Like my stomach wasn't burning with fire.
Like I can feel my limbs at all.