I don't wanna go back to college.

If there is one wish I could make right now, it would be to restore the house.
At college, all I wanted to see is my family. And I am seeing them as we speak.
I miss their faces, their voices, their acts, even their little habits.

But at college, they were all I see.
Not the house.
Not the condition.
Not the reminder.

Being home, everything floods back to memories. The flood. The disaster. The damage. The convenience, I took for granted. Being at college, my concerns revolve around me. My routine, my diet, my schedule, my work, my mind, etc etc etc.
It's why all those depressing thoughts surround me. Because I have nothing else to think but myself. Why my disorder works at its best.
At home, I don't have time to think about myself. And it's the very best thing.

I think about when and how to help Mom and Dad in every way.

I think about when and where to talk about refurnishing the house. 

I think about keeping the house as manageable as possible until Mom and Dad has the time to go see some furniture for the replacement.

I think about playing with Mia and Mukhlis so that they won't interfere with Mom and Dad peace time. 

I think about the cats, in general.

I think about when will the black sheep die and leave us all in peace. Or at least go far far away for a very very long time.

I think about the kitchen running out of groceries and I could make a run for it instead of Mom or Dad with Mia and Mukhlis.

I think about restoring the house to its original glory.

I think.
I think.
I think.

The serendipity of having these selfless thoughts in my brain is calming. And, despite the worry over these thoughts, I have confidence that we'll make it through, step by step.

I am sad.

Pictures of Mom and Dad both having to work hard for the money and juggling the housechores and taking care of my younger siblings PLUS my grandma (she's staying with us) despite having adult children (me and my sis) makes me horribly desperately sad.
With the house in tatters...All the more reason.

Mukhlis is going away to a boarding school in Bachok and Mom is worried about him. Of course, as do I, but kids gotta learn new experiences sooner or later. 
Bad or good, we'll see him through. 

I want to stay home and help.
I want to at least present the house in clean condition when they get home.
I want to keep the kids occupied as they get some rest.

I know that Mom and Dad are more than capable in doing these themselves but they shouldn't have to. With me and my sis, they shouldn't have had to.

Being home is like coming up for clean,fresh air after swimming so deep for so long.

My ticket is tonight.
I wish I could burn it to ashes.