The Storm after The calm

Hey, guys.
I'm in a really bad place right now, the sort of place I wish time could turn back and I was never born. Yeah it seems like I'm exaggerating and being dramatic but I'm the sort that always goes for the worst situation, y'noe? Idk what that would make me tho.

 See, I screwed up my degree application.
And then I screwed up the admission test for the course I didn't want in a Uni I didn't ask. 
And now, I'm paying up for those screw ups.

I just checked for the newly opened re-application and I got a red paged error.
You could guess how much I'm freaking the fuck out right now.
My hands are trembling (normal reaction for me, don't YOU freak out now) and my chest are tight with worry and dread and guilt and just plain failure and disappointment at myself.

 It's funny (no, not really) because I just got back from a wonderful vacation last night for 2 days and one night at Tasik Kenyir, Terengganu with my family. And now I am feeling like the worst loser and screw-up ever born in a lucky life.

 It doesn't help that I'm missing Kei so horribly bad it feels like a physical pain.
I hoped that he would get an epiphany or something and finally get his head out of his ass but even as I decided I couldn't wait for him to do that, I still hoped. Am still hoping.
I have been missing him so bad the last few days (ever since I cut him off, tbh) but the feeling is mixed with hurt and pain and other feelings as a human would.

I get that condemning myself wouldn't do much right now just as much as crying when you've done something wrong yet in my head, I still do it.
I fucked up my future. I did.

 And Onee-san isn't feeling so well at the moment so there's that to add onto the pile.
I'll consult Amelia later, tonight.

 It's selfish of me to hope and count on her to fix my screw-ups but I don't know what else I can do. I'm afraid to tell my parents because the disappointment and guilt and pure hatred in me would just preen and grow under their scrutiny and I don't want another major relapse. Yes, it sounds selfish. Yes, I'm a stupid moronic bastard.

I'm just gonna smash my head to that wall over there while I wait for tonight.

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