Cramming Life Updates : Mega Extra
Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me.
Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.
The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.
I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved every day).
For current updates, I no longer live on campus ground. It was a last minute decision, really, and a purely petty one too, because when the semester was starting and college results were supposed to come out, the administration fucked up like they are wont to do. They held back the dates a week late into the class days and expect the students to sleep on the streets. On the morning I arrived, I spoke to the head of college board since he was there for the freshmans and he told me, I quote, to sleep on the streets.
I mean, okay, wow, fuck you too, man.
It's like he was talking to a fucking stray dog.
very much fuck you.
so I called a couple of numbers and got myself in a rental apartment. I was pissed so I didn't think much about the rest of the people I will be living with being strangers. I just got lucky they're not those disgusting people with no common sense or shit.
I introduced myself fine and got along with them okay so we just keep on doing our own business. We keep the place fairly clean and we help each other with food and stuff and thankfully, privacy is very much available often.
Two of my housemates work, so they're only back at night, while the other three are students of different faculty making our schedules slip by each other.
Often I go to the campus (by bus) alone and go back (by bus) alone.
Although I have to be very conscious about money more than before, I'm grateful and lucky to have support from my family. Then again, my daily diet consists mainly tea and coffee originally anyway so that might not be a problem.
There's no internet at the apartment though but I make do with USB tethering my hotspot. I'd only be doing my assignments with them anyway.
Thanks to beloved, I got my hands on the full set of Karasuno Engeki Projection stageplays from the first Itadaki no Keshiki, Karasuno Fukkatsu, Shousha to Haisha, and the recent Shinka no Natsu. The next coming stageplay is Start of The Giant!
I would say that I started the semester with calm, but that'd be lying.
Because first day of class, trouble immediately locks on to my ass.
First day of class, we had a compulsory lecture from the heads of the lecturer board about discipline, attitude, truancy, cheating, etc etc. Apparently some of our juniors were fucking shitheads. Fucking disgrace, to be honest. Embarrassing.
At the end of the lecture, several names were asked to stay behind (presumably the shitheads who made the lecture necessary.) and surprise, surprise, suddenly my name got mixed in.
Everybody in my class were flummoxed, including myself, because bitch I did not do anything. I may have hypothetically killed several people but that was not included in any of the points in the lecture. I have never failed any subjects, I have never publicly went against any lecturers, I was never (intentionally) rude, and the rest of my class were like, "bitch what did you do" and I was like, "Do I look like I fucking know, this is news to me too"
It was heart stopping, and you can correctly guess, very bad for my anxiety.
The two head lecturers were my former subject lecturers, they both have taught my class and know me quite to a personal level.
They told me to wait last as they scolded each and every student who was called because they wanted to talk to me "personally". Hello overthinking paranoia, meet my brain.
And after every student was sufficiently scolded and warned and shooed out of the hall, there was only me, sitting in dogeza in front of the two lecturers as they looked down on me from their chairs. One of them (the one I personally like and fond of) grabbed a chair between them and told me to sit. Queue my life flashing before my eyes.
I sat and waited as they settled to my left and right, facing me, boxing me in. Immediately I said, "Okay, what did I do?".
They looked at each other and shook their heads. "You didn't do anything, your name was merely called as a formality because we needed to call every name that was mentioned in the board meeting by the lecturers." she said.
They flipped their notes, and continued, "Farah, you are a good student. You have never failed any subjects, you do not obstruct any classes, and your grades are good."
"We're here because we were informed by one of your lecturers that you have medical appointments on Mondays, specifically, at the CTC, yes? You might have noticed the absence of classes on Mondays in your new schedule. That is all." she said.
I let out a relieved breath. Okay, that's not so bad.
Then the other lecturer dropped the bomb. "Also, several lecturers in the meeting said they didn't like your face. Perhaps they found your attitude disconcerting as well."
And I went, mentally, what the fuck?
I replied, stuttering, because I could not fucking believe my ears, what I just heard,
"m-my face? But...I'm born with this face, I-I can't do anything about how I look, madam."
They went, "Yes, we understand that. And it may be because we know you personally, Farah, so we are well aware of this, but the other lecturers don't."
After that they just asked about my mental health and stuff and then I was allowed to leave. I literally can't believe that I just got called out in front of the whole fucking batch because some fucking snowflakes didn't know how to deal with a fucking resting bitchface. On the first day of class. My fucking life, really.
They're so fucking lucky I'm not in the same mindset I was 5 years ago or else I would've cut so many fucking lines on my wrist and make it as deep as it can go.
Trust me, I still kinda wanna do it but the support I got from my friends and beloved and sis definitely held me back. Especially beloved and sis, it made me cry with warmth and relief when they got protective. It could have very well turned into a monstrous downhill of a slope if they hadn't got angry on my behalf because I would've hated my face, hated myself, hated my existence that I have to go through this bullshit again and again and again and again.
When mom heard the news, she agreed with the snowflakes lecturers. Apparently my resting bitchface annoyed her too. I mean, rich, coming from her, because I did not get this resting bithcface on my own, mom. It was a blow, and I cried when sis wasn't looking.
Reminding myself over and over again not to take her words at face value, because that's what Mya taught me. Sis talked to mom, and I pretended not to listen.
Anyway, it was over like that.
Afterwards, things tapered off, and classes went on as normal. We got some good lecturers this semester, one of them is Madam Adzura, who was the person that told me I was not broken when my world shattered to pieces around me as I realized all the symptoms I dealt in highschool had been PTSD. It was this day, this post, that started my healing process, Not Where It Matters.
Those were her words, as she hugged me while I cried my eyes black and blue.
I will never forget that day.
Though it doesn't look like she remembers me, I find myself in utter delight and happiness being her student again after 5 years. You never forget the kindness that was shown to you, however small it was. It changed my life. She told me I was not broken, that I could heal.
I could heal, and here I am.
Healing.
I want to thank her, personally, this time. I couldn't say a word back then, before I graduated Foundation, because I was still wrecked by the nightmares, the panic attacks, and the cutting, I was too scared to approach her.
But now, hopefully, someday, sometime, I would be able to say to her, thank you for that day. Thank you for telling me about Kintsugi, and Kintsukuroi. Thank you for the brief warmth and encouragement that I could heal. Thank you for holding my hand as Mya held my other as I broke down in the middle of your class. You helped me stay alive, and you helped me kept going. It was probably nothing to you, but it changed the course of my life.
Thank you, so much.
Oh and P/S : Beloved and I celebrated our first year annivesary last week! Looking forward to more anniversaries with you, beloved! >3
Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.
The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.
I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved every day).
For current updates, I no longer live on campus ground. It was a last minute decision, really, and a purely petty one too, because when the semester was starting and college results were supposed to come out, the administration fucked up like they are wont to do. They held back the dates a week late into the class days and expect the students to sleep on the streets. On the morning I arrived, I spoke to the head of college board since he was there for the freshmans and he told me, I quote, to sleep on the streets.
I mean, okay, wow, fuck you too, man.
It's like he was talking to a fucking stray dog.
very much fuck you.
so I called a couple of numbers and got myself in a rental apartment. I was pissed so I didn't think much about the rest of the people I will be living with being strangers. I just got lucky they're not those disgusting people with no common sense or shit.
I introduced myself fine and got along with them okay so we just keep on doing our own business. We keep the place fairly clean and we help each other with food and stuff and thankfully, privacy is very much available often.
Two of my housemates work, so they're only back at night, while the other three are students of different faculty making our schedules slip by each other.
Often I go to the campus (by bus) alone and go back (by bus) alone.
Although I have to be very conscious about money more than before, I'm grateful and lucky to have support from my family. Then again, my daily diet consists mainly tea and coffee originally anyway so that might not be a problem.
There's no internet at the apartment though but I make do with USB tethering my hotspot. I'd only be doing my assignments with them anyway.
Thanks to beloved, I got my hands on the full set of Karasuno Engeki Projection stageplays from the first Itadaki no Keshiki, Karasuno Fukkatsu, Shousha to Haisha, and the recent Shinka no Natsu. The next coming stageplay is Start of The Giant!
I would say that I started the semester with calm, but that'd be lying.
Because first day of class, trouble immediately locks on to my ass.
First day of class, we had a compulsory lecture from the heads of the lecturer board about discipline, attitude, truancy, cheating, etc etc. Apparently some of our juniors were fucking shitheads. Fucking disgrace, to be honest. Embarrassing.
At the end of the lecture, several names were asked to stay behind (presumably the shitheads who made the lecture necessary.) and surprise, surprise, suddenly my name got mixed in.
Everybody in my class were flummoxed, including myself, because bitch I did not do anything. I may have hypothetically killed several people but that was not included in any of the points in the lecture. I have never failed any subjects, I have never publicly went against any lecturers, I was never (intentionally) rude, and the rest of my class were like, "bitch what did you do" and I was like, "Do I look like I fucking know, this is news to me too"
It was heart stopping, and you can correctly guess, very bad for my anxiety.
The two head lecturers were my former subject lecturers, they both have taught my class and know me quite to a personal level.
They told me to wait last as they scolded each and every student who was called because they wanted to talk to me "personally". Hello overthinking paranoia, meet my brain.
And after every student was sufficiently scolded and warned and shooed out of the hall, there was only me, sitting in dogeza in front of the two lecturers as they looked down on me from their chairs. One of them (the one I personally like and fond of) grabbed a chair between them and told me to sit. Queue my life flashing before my eyes.
I sat and waited as they settled to my left and right, facing me, boxing me in. Immediately I said, "Okay, what did I do?".
They looked at each other and shook their heads. "You didn't do anything, your name was merely called as a formality because we needed to call every name that was mentioned in the board meeting by the lecturers." she said.
They flipped their notes, and continued, "Farah, you are a good student. You have never failed any subjects, you do not obstruct any classes, and your grades are good."
"We're here because we were informed by one of your lecturers that you have medical appointments on Mondays, specifically, at the CTC, yes? You might have noticed the absence of classes on Mondays in your new schedule. That is all." she said.
I let out a relieved breath. Okay, that's not so bad.
Then the other lecturer dropped the bomb. "Also, several lecturers in the meeting said they didn't like your face. Perhaps they found your attitude disconcerting as well."
And I went, mentally, what the fuck?
I replied, stuttering, because I could not fucking believe my ears, what I just heard,
"m-my face? But...I'm born with this face, I-I can't do anything about how I look, madam."
They went, "Yes, we understand that. And it may be because we know you personally, Farah, so we are well aware of this, but the other lecturers don't."
After that they just asked about my mental health and stuff and then I was allowed to leave. I literally can't believe that I just got called out in front of the whole fucking batch because some fucking snowflakes didn't know how to deal with a fucking resting bitchface. On the first day of class. My fucking life, really.
They're so fucking lucky I'm not in the same mindset I was 5 years ago or else I would've cut so many fucking lines on my wrist and make it as deep as it can go.
Trust me, I still kinda wanna do it but the support I got from my friends and beloved and sis definitely held me back. Especially beloved and sis, it made me cry with warmth and relief when they got protective. It could have very well turned into a monstrous downhill of a slope if they hadn't got angry on my behalf because I would've hated my face, hated myself, hated my existence that I have to go through this bullshit again and again and again and again.
When mom heard the news, she agreed with the snowflakes lecturers. Apparently my resting bitchface annoyed her too. I mean, rich, coming from her, because I did not get this resting bithcface on my own, mom. It was a blow, and I cried when sis wasn't looking.
Reminding myself over and over again not to take her words at face value, because that's what Mya taught me. Sis talked to mom, and I pretended not to listen.
Anyway, it was over like that.
Afterwards, things tapered off, and classes went on as normal. We got some good lecturers this semester, one of them is Madam Adzura, who was the person that told me I was not broken when my world shattered to pieces around me as I realized all the symptoms I dealt in highschool had been PTSD. It was this day, this post, that started my healing process, Not Where It Matters.
Those were her words, as she hugged me while I cried my eyes black and blue.
I will never forget that day.
Though it doesn't look like she remembers me, I find myself in utter delight and happiness being her student again after 5 years. You never forget the kindness that was shown to you, however small it was. It changed my life. She told me I was not broken, that I could heal.
I could heal, and here I am.
Healing.
I want to thank her, personally, this time. I couldn't say a word back then, before I graduated Foundation, because I was still wrecked by the nightmares, the panic attacks, and the cutting, I was too scared to approach her.
But now, hopefully, someday, sometime, I would be able to say to her, thank you for that day. Thank you for telling me about Kintsugi, and Kintsukuroi. Thank you for the brief warmth and encouragement that I could heal. Thank you for holding my hand as Mya held my other as I broke down in the middle of your class. You helped me stay alive, and you helped me kept going. It was probably nothing to you, but it changed the course of my life.
Thank you, so much.
Oh and P/S : Beloved and I celebrated our first year annivesary last week! Looking forward to more anniversaries with you, beloved! >3
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