Not Where It Matters

For the first time in my life, I was praised for being strong.
All this time, it was only assumed and registered at the back of their heads, knowing but never actually acknowledging. I knew what I am, though I never gave myself much thought.

"You are strong. You just don't give yourself enough credit for it."

All my life, I was expected to be strong. To stand up on my own and survive. I've been taught to live up to that, and I do.

I had breakdowns, and nightmares, and all kinds of demons crawling in my head, but what makes me strong, is that I continue to stand up and walk again after every of each.
Sometimes it takes years, and sometimes it takes days. Depends on which demons.

"Don't be too hard on yourself."
.
I find the strength to go on from my family, and most of all, from God. Especially Onee-san, who has her own demons to deal with. The thought that drives me when it comes to her is that, 'I have to be strong for both of us.' and I willed my legs no matter how limp and dragged forward.

"You are a fighter. You fought, and you won. You are a winner."

Qie has her parts.
She is my happiness. The warmth of her hand, always entwined with mine, propels me further. The memories of her smiles and laughs, makes it bearable. Also the knowledge that she will beat me into a pulp if I ever give up is refreshing. lol

I have to stop.
stop.
stop.
stop.

There are more things than just that. They don't have to end there. I can change it. Choices. I have choices. I can choose.

I never knew I had PTSD. I thought that was for war vets only. Probably the same symptoms though. Those things my mind has been undergoing, I didn't realize they were actually real. Noted. Researched.

It's comforting.
To finally face those unknown faces and know them.

Maybe I will still have breakdowns.
And still have those nightmares.
Those void blanks.
But in the end, I will stand up, and move on as usual.

"I look at you, and I see a beautiful, strong person."

I may be broken,
but I can still be pieced together.