Onee-san.
I regret re-watching Frozen yesterday.Gah.
I mean,though I didn't miss her like I'd initially thought I would because I was used to being apart from her from time to time,there are those moments when I'd feel the thought of missing her slammed my brain so hard it probably leave dents.
Sometimes I hate that popular Disney movie.
I always get teary when Hans told Elsa her sister was dead.I couldn't imagine how she must've felt upon hearing those words.Those words affect me very much.
I couldn't imagine a life without her.
Of course,I would've thought differently about 10 or 15 years ago when all the connection we had was of the blood we shared but that's neither here nor there.
I'm done dwelling over the past.
"Your sister is dead."
Those words are a taboo to me.Though I know that someday either one of us will kick the early bucket,I couldn't stomach the thought of losing her.
It would feel like losing a limb.
It's probably because I looked up to her as an idol of sorts when I was a child and loved her as an equal after I grew out of it.
Probably because of that one dream that would never stop bugging me till I die.
My nightmares usually consist of my scars,but only one consists of her.
I had it when I was 11,and she was 15.She doesn't remember this night(most probably,like 99%)but the memory will forever be ingrained in my brain.
"I woke up in a desert,behind me an abandoned city in its ruins.
I was in a sandstorm but I wasn't affected by it.
I was barefoot and my hair was before I had her cut it,long,reaching my butt.
The only thing I was wearing was a pale colour of a nightgown.
I was looking for someone.
I heard her voice,guiding me to her location,and even though my feet hurt like shit from walking through the hard sand,I dragged myself towards her voice like a fly might to a beacon.It was spontaneous.
By the time I found her,she had already made up her mind.
I called out to her,but the winds protested.
They carried away my voice and imprisoned me in a barrier.
She was crying,and that hurt like bitch.
I begged her to stay.
'Don't leave me',I cried.
She smiled apologetically towards my direction
and I heard her voice for the last time.
'Goodbye.I love you.'
And she left.
The last thing I remember after that was the broken sob wrenched out of my chest as I crumpled bonelessly to the hard sandy ground.
The final thought of 'Don't leave me.' fresh in my brain."
I woke up with a cry,startling her 15 years old self who was still awake by her study table.I sobbed immediately after being woken,feeling the sobs from the dream.
I was crying so hard it probably freaked the hell out of her,seeing her 11 years old sister jolted awake from her sleep with a cry and started sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
For the first time in my little 11 years old life,she comforted me.
I received my first hug from her,then.
Little me told her I had a nightmare of a crocodile monster eating us all alive and I woke up when it was trying to eat her.I was afraid she'd told me off if I told her about the dream.
Telling me what a stupid dream I had while cuffing me on the head.
After I'd calmed down in her arms with her hand stroking my hair,I fell asleep with my little arms hugging her waist tightly.
Like I was afraid she'd be gone while I slept.
I shut my eyes tight and prayed with all my tiny tiny heart to God to never take her away from my side.Never ever ever never ever never ever ever ever never.
I told God how much I loved her
and how sad I'd be if she left me.
And the dream remained in my memory till now.
I mean,though I didn't miss her like I'd initially thought I would because I was used to being apart from her from time to time,there are those moments when I'd feel the thought of missing her slammed my brain so hard it probably leave dents.
Sometimes I hate that popular Disney movie.
I always get teary when Hans told Elsa her sister was dead.I couldn't imagine how she must've felt upon hearing those words.Those words affect me very much.
I couldn't imagine a life without her.
Of course,I would've thought differently about 10 or 15 years ago when all the connection we had was of the blood we shared but that's neither here nor there.
I'm done dwelling over the past.
"Your sister is dead."
Those words are a taboo to me.Though I know that someday either one of us will kick the early bucket,I couldn't stomach the thought of losing her.
It would feel like losing a limb.
It's probably because I looked up to her as an idol of sorts when I was a child and loved her as an equal after I grew out of it.
Probably because of that one dream that would never stop bugging me till I die.
My nightmares usually consist of my scars,but only one consists of her.
I had it when I was 11,and she was 15.She doesn't remember this night
"I woke up in a desert,behind me an abandoned city in its ruins.
I was in a sandstorm but I wasn't affected by it.
I was barefoot and my hair was before I had her cut it,long,reaching my butt.
The only thing I was wearing was a pale colour of a nightgown.
I was looking for someone.
I heard her voice,guiding me to her location,and even though my feet hurt like shit from walking through the hard sand,I dragged myself towards her voice like a fly might to a beacon.It was spontaneous.
By the time I found her,she had already made up her mind.
I called out to her,but the winds protested.
They carried away my voice and imprisoned me in a barrier.
She was crying,and that hurt like bitch.
I begged her to stay.
'Don't leave me',I cried.
She smiled apologetically towards my direction
and I heard her voice for the last time.
'Goodbye.I love you.'
And she left.
The last thing I remember after that was the broken sob wrenched out of my chest as I crumpled bonelessly to the hard sandy ground.
The final thought of 'Don't leave me.' fresh in my brain."
I woke up with a cry,startling her 15 years old self who was still awake by her study table.I sobbed immediately after being woken,feeling the sobs from the dream.
I was crying so hard it probably freaked the hell out of her,seeing her 11 years old sister jolted awake from her sleep with a cry and started sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
For the first time in my little 11 years old life,she comforted me.
I received my first hug from her,then.
Little me told her I had a nightmare of a crocodile monster eating us all alive and I woke up when it was trying to eat her.I was afraid she'd told me off if I told her about the dream.
Telling me what a stupid dream I had while cuffing me on the head.
After I'd calmed down in her arms with her hand stroking my hair,I fell asleep with my little arms hugging her waist tightly.
Like I was afraid she'd be gone while I slept.
I shut my eyes tight and prayed with all my tiny tiny heart to God to never take her away from my side.Never ever ever never ever never ever ever ever never.
I told God how much I loved her
and how sad I'd be if she left me.
And the dream remained in my memory till now.
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