That Scar

I used to jolt awake whenever I have nightmares and stare expressionlessly at the wall until I fell asleep again. Sometimes I find myself having a hard time breathing. It's just something that nightmares do.

The wound had long since sealed itself into a scar. But somehow when I say 'scar',the image that pops into my head was one of a stitched scar instead of the usual skin-pulled-taut-together one.

I stitched it myself,one by one,night by night,as time prolongs. I don't like to think about it,preferring to let it fade into the past where it so clearly belongs. Yet as the scar exists, it didn't seem like my mind would be in peace any soon.

As I open the stitches back in order to let the skin properly heal,the nightmares came back in full thrust.

Now,I jolt awake from them,sobbing.

I miss home.I miss Mom and Dad.I miss Onee-san.I miss Mukhlis-and later stuff his head into the toilet and flush him for reasons that shall not be stated.I miss Mia.I miss the Noeru,Bocco,Tooru,and Tamao.

I was recommended a counselor-another name for psychiatrist-and for a while,I played with that idea.Even though the idea of opening up to a stranger scares me shitless,it was unnegotiable that I need help.
Serious help.

Dakedo,I tossed the idea away abruptly.I may need help,but I'll seek for it in my own time,and my own pace. I don't want the scar to start bleeding again,after I've managed to push it silent for so long.

I know it's wrong.
I know it's temporary.
But I need more time.
Give me that much.

Also,that incident didn't make me a tomboy.
I was born one.Just like I was born a lone wolf and an observer.