AkImA No NiKkI

Update.  I make mistakes after mistakes hoping one would eventually land me in a volcano soup hot enough to burn the flesh off of my ass. When they haven't, I turn tail and run. Because if it's not gonna make me regret life more than living, it's got no point.  I'm gonna install Ragnarok Eternal Love again because that shit fills up my time. All I need is level up and level up and level up again. And without Mya, I don't need to do no stupid social interaction. I can go Kirito-ing on my own, however slow and sluggish and dumb it may be because I'm no gamer thus my playing is always slow and dumb.  I thought about making new friends. Then I realize there's a reason why I don't go out and make new friends, and new friends make me. I'm an introvert.  I hate people. But, the point is, I tried. Damn I really fucking tried. Like the Saint of Goodness and Purity would be damn proud how hard I tried. I basically turned myself into a nice person.  Ne

It's been a week since the breakup. I'm coping as usual. I went home for a week in Kelantan and went back to Perak again for two weeks because I'm doing a lot more good babysitting Nugget than doing nothing at home.  The only thing I hate about the breakup is that I have to get used to not receiving texts every second of my day anymore. It freed up a lot of my space that I have no idea what to do with. Reading manga only gets so far before I can't deal with the memories. Reading fanfics are also the same. Watching marathons sometimes get me through, but most of the time I lose interest in the middle of it.  After all that, I'm left with sprawled over the bed in a starfish position wondering about the quality of my existence. I'm scared to reach out for fear of being abandoned. I'm scared to abandon those who reached out. It's a runaway situation.  So I decided on making some stupid mistakes, just for the hell of it. Blame it on poor impulse control.

Aight. So it's been 3 days since Beloved and I broke up, and my coping mechanism for now is pretending the past two years never happened. Thusly, that person will be referred to as They Who Shall Not Be Named, until further notice. I shall say nothing about the talk that was had when the week ended, other than it took less than 10 minutes.  They decided what they want, and I acquiesced. That is all. Chapter closed. Now to deal with the fallout. To be frank, since I've already dealt most of the heavy burnt emotions early weeks before, I barely feel anything by the time we ended. No pain, no sadness, no joy, no relief, barely anything at all. Even so, that doesn't mean everything is okay. Most of the time, I am okay. In fact, I'd say life is going on as usual. But sometimes, the loss will hit me out of nowhere and with full impact and I am left to endure them until it ebbs away after a time. It starts with a sudden blank feeling awash my entire being, like suddenly

Soooooo here's a little tidbit. Beloved and I are in the middle of out first fight ever so...congratulations on the milestone? 🤷  I just got my period yesterday so today is a fucload harsher than the past five days with the emotions amplified to fuck all.  It's necessary though! Bitch gotta be tough. I survived through suicide attempts, I can survive seven days of no-contact break with beloved. Cmon bitch, toughen up!  I am mad. Unbelievably pissed to high hell. Doesn't mean I stopped loving them. You know, it's like that picture of a couple arguing and then it rains and one held the umbrella over the other person even as they continue arguing. The break is necessary for us to break through this fight. Either we make it, or break it, that depends on beloved. I love them, I truly do, but I can't force someone to love me when they have already lost what they used to feel for me. I'm just bracing for impact at this point. Plus, even if they say they do still l

I am currently at sis's place in Tg.Malim, Perak. Waiting for the day my usefulness runs out and I return home to Kelantan only to be a burdensome freeloader. I've just finished the 6th semester, and starting February, a friend and I will be carrying out our practicum at SMK Seksyen 7 in Shah Alam for nearly 4 months. We have scouted a rent house and expected to deal a contract duration to move in around January until the end of practicum. I have moved out of the apartment I lived in during 6th semester a week ago. I've not taken my meds for a 3 weeks. I spent Christmas holidays with Mya and Indah, and it was the only relief of the whole year. It is now 2019. Nothing is different. I am dissociating, that much is obvious. I have begun to feel distaste for interaction other than necessary, yet knowing if I do not get them done, I will be alone. Help will not come. There are words stuck in my throat, unable to come out. Emotions I swallow along with them and burn at