Tough it out, bitch. It's Necessary.

Soooooo here's a little tidbit. Beloved and I are in the middle of out first fight ever so...congratulations on the milestone? 🤷 
I just got my period yesterday so today is a fucload harsher than the past five days with the emotions amplified to fuck all. 
It's necessary though! Bitch gotta be tough. I survived through suicide attempts, I can survive seven days of no-contact break with beloved. Cmon bitch, toughen up! 

I am mad. Unbelievably pissed to high hell. Doesn't mean I stopped loving them. You know, it's like that picture of a couple arguing and then it rains and one held the umbrella over the other person even as they continue arguing. The break is necessary for us to break through this fight. Either we make it, or break it, that depends on beloved. I love them, I truly do, but I can't force someone to love me when they have already lost what they used to feel for me. I'm just bracing for impact at this point. Plus, even if they say they do still love me, they have to do something about their issue of trusting me, 'cause I won't be with someone who continually doubts me when I've done nothing to be doubted over. When I've devoted two fucking years of my life to them. 

Mya and Indah worked their asses off to get me here where I understand my worth. I'm not gonna throw that away for anything. I know what I deserve. Only I can decide what I want. 

Same goes for them. 

Because despite everything, despite the situation currently, my only wish is for their happiness. I love them. That doesn't change no matter how much they doubt me. If they can't see it, despite everything I've tried my best so far to convince them, well. I'm sorry for their behalf, I suppose. 

I won't even give a minute to someone who I think won't commit to me, why the fuck would you think I would give two years? It's illogical. Being doubted really fucking hurts like shit. 

It's all or nothing, we used to say. Apparently it's just on my end. 

I need to stay mad. I know I miss them, and crying like a little bitch almost every moment my mind is empty because how much I love them, and how much this fucking hurts, but I need to stay mad. Half assery is not what I deserve. Don't stand for it. Do not stand for what is less than I deserve. 

I know deep in the back of my mind, I'm already prepared for their goodbye. After all, I'm convinced they don't love me anymore. What else could there be. And if that is so the case, then so be it. My first and foremost wish remain the same, that they find happiness. My only wish is for them to be happy. That's all. Regardless what happens when the week ends, I just want them to be happy. Be it with me or without me. 

I've suffered worse. I can pick up after myself just fine. Even if it's not the truth, well, I'll fake it till I make it. 

I miss them. 
But this is necessary.