Fake it Till you Make it, Yours Truly.
Aight. So it's been 3 days since Beloved and I broke up, and my coping mechanism for now is pretending the past two years never happened. Thusly, that person will be referred to as They Who Shall Not Be Named, until further notice. I shall say nothing about the talk that was had when the week ended, other than it took less than 10 minutes.
They decided what they want, and I acquiesced. That is all.
Chapter closed.
Now to deal with the fallout.
To be frank, since I've already dealt most of the heavy burnt emotions early weeks before, I barely feel anything by the time we ended. No pain, no sadness, no joy, no relief, barely anything at all. Even so, that doesn't mean everything is okay. Most of the time, I am okay. In fact, I'd say life is going on as usual.
But sometimes, the loss will hit me out of nowhere and with full impact and I am left to endure them until it ebbs away after a time. It starts with a sudden blank feeling awash my entire being, like suddenly I'm an empty husk of a vessel. I feel like a void. And my heart started to panic and pain erupts from everywhere, I can't breathe, and I curl into a ball to endure them out. As suddenly as it came, it goes. I continue my life as usual.
I enjoy finding new music that soars my soul and spirit.
The new anime seasons, BL drama CDs, and excitingly anticipating my 4 month practicum work loads. I think I must be the only one in my class who can't wait to start the practicum. Of course, because all the busy load of work will have my focus averted from the loss.
I appreciate my friends who are supporting me with their love and encouragement when they heard the news. Bubblegums, Mum, Moose, Sarah, and Miza, they are gracious with their support and I truly appreciate them for it. Tonight, Moose in particular.
I often call Moose my adopted big brother, someone I always wish to have in my corner when things are rough. I certainly play the problematic, depressed, troublesome shit little sister too well.
Miza gave me some good songs to listen to, and Sarah came over to take me out to chat and listen and basically just take me out of the house. Bubblegums and Mum are as natural as they are in the course of my life. I love them all, and they have my gratitude for looking out for me.
I think I'm doing very well, for someone who is recently heartbroken.
I am enjoying a lot of things, I do not think of depressing things, I laugh and express genuine emotions, and compartmentalizing admirably well if I do say so myself. Other than the things I cannot control, I am controlling the things I can, surprisingly good. Occasionally, I lose my appetite, but I make it up with tea and I keep myself aware of the eating schedule I have in my head. Occasionally, I have dreams about They Who Must Not Be Named, but I can't do anything about that other than distract myself with yaoi mangas when I wake up.
No thoughts of self-harm or suicide came into my head, so I think we are safe with this setback. Please, if you think I am that weak, check yourself out that door and don't let it hit you on the way out lol
I didn't survive all these years to die over a relationship, regardless how much I love them.
And yes, you can hear the eye-roll in that sentence.
Of all the things I could die over, relationship is the least thing you'd be concerned over. I was never that interested in romantic relationships in the first place. Though neither am I opposed to it, I am content with letting the flow go. Or end, as it is.
Regardless, I am dealing as I am wont to do.
I swim when the tides come in, and I rest when the tides go out.
BUT, I do like this song I just found out tonight, just because of the lyric "Mama said, the sun will shine, but Mama doesn't know what it's like to want to die" because HA Accurate lol if only to feel nostalgic about old times when Mom and Dad were saying shit about my depression last year.
They decided what they want, and I acquiesced. That is all.
Chapter closed.
Now to deal with the fallout.
To be frank, since I've already dealt most of the heavy burnt emotions early weeks before, I barely feel anything by the time we ended. No pain, no sadness, no joy, no relief, barely anything at all. Even so, that doesn't mean everything is okay. Most of the time, I am okay. In fact, I'd say life is going on as usual.
But sometimes, the loss will hit me out of nowhere and with full impact and I am left to endure them until it ebbs away after a time. It starts with a sudden blank feeling awash my entire being, like suddenly I'm an empty husk of a vessel. I feel like a void. And my heart started to panic and pain erupts from everywhere, I can't breathe, and I curl into a ball to endure them out. As suddenly as it came, it goes. I continue my life as usual.
I enjoy finding new music that soars my soul and spirit.
The new anime seasons, BL drama CDs, and excitingly anticipating my 4 month practicum work loads. I think I must be the only one in my class who can't wait to start the practicum. Of course, because all the busy load of work will have my focus averted from the loss.
I appreciate my friends who are supporting me with their love and encouragement when they heard the news. Bubblegums, Mum, Moose, Sarah, and Miza, they are gracious with their support and I truly appreciate them for it. Tonight, Moose in particular.
I often call Moose my adopted big brother, someone I always wish to have in my corner when things are rough. I certainly play the problematic, depressed, troublesome shit little sister too well.
Miza gave me some good songs to listen to, and Sarah came over to take me out to chat and listen and basically just take me out of the house. Bubblegums and Mum are as natural as they are in the course of my life. I love them all, and they have my gratitude for looking out for me.
I think I'm doing very well, for someone who is recently heartbroken.
I am enjoying a lot of things, I do not think of depressing things, I laugh and express genuine emotions, and compartmentalizing admirably well if I do say so myself. Other than the things I cannot control, I am controlling the things I can, surprisingly good. Occasionally, I lose my appetite, but I make it up with tea and I keep myself aware of the eating schedule I have in my head. Occasionally, I have dreams about They Who Must Not Be Named, but I can't do anything about that other than distract myself with yaoi mangas when I wake up.
No thoughts of self-harm or suicide came into my head, so I think we are safe with this setback. Please, if you think I am that weak, check yourself out that door and don't let it hit you on the way out lol
I didn't survive all these years to die over a relationship, regardless how much I love them.
And yes, you can hear the eye-roll in that sentence.
Of all the things I could die over, relationship is the least thing you'd be concerned over. I was never that interested in romantic relationships in the first place. Though neither am I opposed to it, I am content with letting the flow go. Or end, as it is.
Regardless, I am dealing as I am wont to do.
I swim when the tides come in, and I rest when the tides go out.
BUT, I do like this song I just found out tonight, just because of the lyric "Mama said, the sun will shine, but Mama doesn't know what it's like to want to die" because HA Accurate lol if only to feel nostalgic about old times when Mom and Dad were saying shit about my depression last year.
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