Nobody inside.
How do I pull parts of me that are fragmented? Those parts of yourself when you were just a little kid, not knowing how to be yourself other than just existing as you are. The absolute conviction that you are YOU.
Where do they go?
My friend is broken. Sometimes they come to me hoping I can be with them at the moment. They don't ask what I can't afford. All I needed to be was present. But existing is something we both are having trouble with. Something most of us have trouble with. I don't know how other people do it, and it's very likely that even if I asked, it wouldn't work the same way for me or her or us.
I can't persuade my kid to not say things like "if I die pursuing my dreams, so be it" because I have issues with dying just to not exist. I have no rights. I can't tell someone to live when I myself am someone who is still figuring out how to. And the desire to.
When I can't sleep and dredges of the void drags my chest to the bottom, I count my breath. My apathy swallows me whole.
I can't feel.
Sometimes when I look at my body, I can't recognize whose is it. Feeling disconnected is common theme, but not recognizing my own supposedly body is a first. These hands, these fingers, these skin, these wrinkles, everything. I can't feel anything and I can't recognize anything. Counting my breath is the only thing that makes it seem like I really haven't succeeded my fourth attempt and I am not just haunting my sister's house.
....But, there are some things that chase my apathy away, even for just a moment.
When I hug my nephew. His smile, laugh, and chubby little cheeks. He's my sister's everything. And sis used to be my everything.
When I talk to my friends. I don't mean texts, I mean something corporeal like actual voice or a video calls. This one's risky because at times, my apathy comes with a vehement rejection of everything and everyone's existence. I don't know why. It's also selfish because this apathy means I am not able to reciprocate despite it all.
For the longest time my apathy is my greatest fear. I have no way to fix myself with it, because I can't recognize myself. I can't feel anything.
I can't feel.
Where do they go?
My friend is broken. Sometimes they come to me hoping I can be with them at the moment. They don't ask what I can't afford. All I needed to be was present. But existing is something we both are having trouble with. Something most of us have trouble with. I don't know how other people do it, and it's very likely that even if I asked, it wouldn't work the same way for me or her or us.
I can't persuade my kid to not say things like "if I die pursuing my dreams, so be it" because I have issues with dying just to not exist. I have no rights. I can't tell someone to live when I myself am someone who is still figuring out how to. And the desire to.
When I can't sleep and dredges of the void drags my chest to the bottom, I count my breath. My apathy swallows me whole.
I can't feel.
Sometimes when I look at my body, I can't recognize whose is it. Feeling disconnected is common theme, but not recognizing my own supposedly body is a first. These hands, these fingers, these skin, these wrinkles, everything. I can't feel anything and I can't recognize anything. Counting my breath is the only thing that makes it seem like I really haven't succeeded my fourth attempt and I am not just haunting my sister's house.
....But, there are some things that chase my apathy away, even for just a moment.
When I hug my nephew. His smile, laugh, and chubby little cheeks. He's my sister's everything. And sis used to be my everything.
When I talk to my friends. I don't mean texts, I mean something corporeal like actual voice or a video calls. This one's risky because at times, my apathy comes with a vehement rejection of everything and everyone's existence. I don't know why. It's also selfish because this apathy means I am not able to reciprocate despite it all.
For the longest time my apathy is my greatest fear. I have no way to fix myself with it, because I can't recognize myself. I can't feel anything.
I can't feel.
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