Not quite close but without a name

I've had this draft in the safe for a while. I have a tendency to open a blank page, intending to write, but whited out after putting down the title. Whether I lost interest in writing it, or decided I shouldn't, and later changed my mind, who knows. 

There is 2 weeks left until I  start my final semester of degree.

Honestly, I don't know how I got here (do you have 90 minutes?) and admittedly, I've had close encounters because let's face it, my failed 4th (?5th?) suicide attempt is still fairly recent. Speaking of recent, I feel better. I've unloaded some burdens, some baggage, so at the least part, I could think in rational terms which is a lot healthier for my well-being.

Apparently that showed in my appetite. People around me have been asking me why I've gotten "chubby", and for a while, that bugged me, because it resulted in poking at my self-esteem in a way I have never thought about before. I began to look at myself differently in the mirror and slowly, slowly, giving myself shit for it. Which is funny, because I think fat people are just people, in their own rights. 

I talked to a good friend, and she told me how that's so much bullshit because I used to neglect my body and starve it. Not for social reasons or eating disorder, but because my depression manifested itself partly in my lack of motivation to feed my body. 

So much so, that when I talked to Sis about it, she admitted to once thinking that I might have developed anorexia. I couldn't blame her, really.

I used to sleep for days. Not caring about food, or hydration, or anything. Sleep as if I would never wake up again, and when I do, I go back to sleep because I was disappointed that I'm still alive. Rinse and repeat.

So me willingly eating, and putting up weight? Is a fucking good thing, and you should shut your fucking mouth before you randomly say shit about other people's bodies because you don't know what they've been through and you have no right to trigger that. You don't see me around giving you shit for breathing and being an annoyance to me.

I used to think I could be bulimic, because I had a habit of sticking fingers down my throat to make myself vomit in order to overpass the burn in my chest. Teen me was a whole other mess of fucked up, but I was alone, and calling out was not an option. 

Waking up in cold sweats, heartbeat off the roof, trembling, crying, because once again I had dreamed of harsh, cold, grabbing hands pulling off my clothes and groping my privates. I couldn't scream, and they curl into my chest burning the cavity as if I was immolated.

I wish I could go back and tell Teen me, that we'd make it to 23.

That we'd heal.

Speaking of healing, there is some changes to my long-term goals. Apparently it's impossible to go through the scholarship applications without working in the meantime because us University graduates takes at least a year to process. 

There is high chance I would get stuck teaching highschool kids for at least a year or two or more while waiting for the application to go through. My family encouraged it, because finding a job is first priority, in this economy. It makes sense to me.

So I thought I'd make some changes to my long-term goals. I'd build up money to pay for my Masters, and if the scholarships went through, I'd have a sensible support to continue my studies. 

Because I want to learn more. I want to continue studying and broadening my horizon. I've already looked up some of the good scholarships granted in UK, Canada, and Australia, just in case.  And hey, look at that, I actually feel myself looking forward to see this future.

Mom asked why did it have to be overseas. I told her I wanted the acknowledgement. In reality, I just want to see if I could survive outside of our culture. Because I'm tired of every fucking self-anointed pakcik and makcik talking about how I should "find myself someone" and the little transgressions that builds to explosion. 

Of course, there would be some things I miss, like the common sense of greetings, hygiene, human decency, etc but that's pretty much the baseline limit. To be fair, the things I'd miss the most would be food. Half the things we have under "tradition" is shit, but damn if our food isn't mind-blowing.