Keep me in a box and lock me in
I've just finished Kimetsu no Yaiba during the weekends, or updated to the current episode, at least, and somehow managed to finish Dororo in the span of two days. I feel like I have to keep that up in order to survive this semester.
Something to occupy my mind with things that doesn't stress me out.
I'm starting on Goblin Slayer next, and who knows what else. God Eater, maybe. Or Noragami. Or Gintama. Anything that's long series.
Well, I can always rewatch Haikyuu if need be.
It's practically my go-to sad meds by now.
Although I have to be careful so as to not let that disturb my sleep schedule. I've been sleeping really good since I moved in. I still get nightmares, sometimes, but they're really scarce for some reason here. There could be some logical, explainable reason why one of the places I can't seem to sleep is my home back in Kelantan.
Could be because I don't tire myself out like I do here in college, or because often times there are lingering memories of those helpless years in highschool dealing with PTSD all on my own in the darkness of my room. 3 out of 4 times I tried to die was in that room too after all.
It's so hard to live for yourself.
It was so much easier to live for someone else. The only reason I kept on going back then had been for sis and my family, because it was so much easier to put your foot one in front of the other when I think of sis needing me. It was better to feel needed.
I don't need myself, but it was easier to live another day when I thought that someone I love needed me in their life. I don't need myself to live, but someone else might be.
And that gave me strength.
A fragile strength, but strength nonetheless. I just needed a reason to keep on breathing.
Great, now I'm crying. Sigh.
I know some people have been telling me to live for myself. To not depend on anyone else, because they don't last, but it's not that easy. It's so fucking stupid to say that I need a reason to live by now because I feel so fucking lost and--
It's not easy.
Sometimes I still feel like the old, bruised, dead 13 years old me trying to walk myself through the girl dormitories, terrified out of my ass I would see my abusers around the corner. Sometimes I can still feel their hands on my thighs, shoulders, breast, their hands swooping and tangling in my hair. Sometimes I can still feel their grip on my arms, holding me down.
It makes me feel so tainted.
Sometimes the best I can do to get through the day is breathe.
Sometimes all I want at the end of the day is to be in my sister's arms and cry.
It's so shitty, to need and to be needed. How is it the yearning could have the power to paralyze you? It's not fair. And yet at the end of it, you'll just shake it off and walk forward to face another day. What can you do? It's not like things will change with crying on the ground.
We don't have another choice.
Something to occupy my mind with things that doesn't stress me out.
I'm starting on Goblin Slayer next, and who knows what else. God Eater, maybe. Or Noragami. Or Gintama. Anything that's long series.
Well, I can always rewatch Haikyuu if need be.
It's practically my go-to sad meds by now.
Although I have to be careful so as to not let that disturb my sleep schedule. I've been sleeping really good since I moved in. I still get nightmares, sometimes, but they're really scarce for some reason here. There could be some logical, explainable reason why one of the places I can't seem to sleep is my home back in Kelantan.
Could be because I don't tire myself out like I do here in college, or because often times there are lingering memories of those helpless years in highschool dealing with PTSD all on my own in the darkness of my room. 3 out of 4 times I tried to die was in that room too after all.
It's so hard to live for yourself.
It was so much easier to live for someone else. The only reason I kept on going back then had been for sis and my family, because it was so much easier to put your foot one in front of the other when I think of sis needing me. It was better to feel needed.
I don't need myself, but it was easier to live another day when I thought that someone I love needed me in their life. I don't need myself to live, but someone else might be.
And that gave me strength.
A fragile strength, but strength nonetheless. I just needed a reason to keep on breathing.
Great, now I'm crying. Sigh.
I know some people have been telling me to live for myself. To not depend on anyone else, because they don't last, but it's not that easy. It's so fucking stupid to say that I need a reason to live by now because I feel so fucking lost and--
It's not easy.
Sometimes I still feel like the old, bruised, dead 13 years old me trying to walk myself through the girl dormitories, terrified out of my ass I would see my abusers around the corner. Sometimes I can still feel their hands on my thighs, shoulders, breast, their hands swooping and tangling in my hair. Sometimes I can still feel their grip on my arms, holding me down.
It makes me feel so tainted.
Sometimes the best I can do to get through the day is breathe.
Sometimes all I want at the end of the day is to be in my sister's arms and cry.
It's so shitty, to need and to be needed. How is it the yearning could have the power to paralyze you? It's not fair. And yet at the end of it, you'll just shake it off and walk forward to face another day. What can you do? It's not like things will change with crying on the ground.
We don't have another choice.
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