There are times-

There are times when I feel grief over losing Beloved. I know it's just empty grief. A feeling of loss over the idealized version of them. Feelings of betrayal over what had happened that ended with waves of emptiness. When I have no words to portray these, knowing some people would take it as "I'm not yet moving on" or "It's been forever, get over it" or "this is a new level of pathetic", I keep the grief to myself.

Coming from strangers wouldn't have done anything, but I don't know what I would've done had it came from someone I trusted to be there for me -someone I thought who would hold me. Because it's not like that. 

I have moved on. I don't stay up nights wishing with all the hope in my heart they would come back to me. I don't cry myself for hours in showers, reminiscing all that I should've done and could've done. I can say their name and remember their face with a smile on my lips, knowing they are happy, and I am content, with our different paths.

But there is no rule saying I can't grieve for my feelings for them, when the need arises.

There are times I would cry over simple things like reading a line from a manga that accurately represents my feelings. The emotions I am unable to express and carry in indefinite amount of time.

I was reading 3 Ban Sen No Campanella by Kyoyama Atsuki, and Kanou-san, the protagonist, struck my heart so deeply I curled into a ball and cried into my pillow. 

Kanou-san loved his partner, and his loss resonated with me.

Kanou-san..was convinced he was loved.

And so was I.

In all of that manga, Kanou-san was saved by a highschooler who thought he was gonna jump in front of a train. In reality, he might have not consciously done it, but he was definitely thinking it. They grew friendly, and Kanou-san dubbed the boy "Campanella", from the famous Akutagawa story, Night On The Galactic Railroad. Kanou-san, is continuously saved by "Campanella".

This kind-hearted young boy who saved a stranger.

It felt like a camaraderie he and I established, that we needed to learn to love ourselves.

There are certain kindness of others we can trust in, and he believed in "Campanella"'s kindness. 

I believe in the kindness of Sara, who had let me wallow in my sadness and sat with me when the dam opened. She was steadfast in holding my wavering pieces, knowing what it felt like to be as broken as you can be when your soul was ripped in half loving someone whom you had thought loved you. And she repeated this, over and over again.

As much as Kanou-san is thankful for "Campanella", I am thankful for her.

Going over what the other person had said, and feeling so heartbreakingly crushed under it. Nothing seemed to make it right, and we both felt like we were falling and eventually drown. 

Because being loved by you was the starting point. Because we didn't doubt that love, never did, until it was too late. When those feelings cooled, and they took the decision to leave us behind.

I'd curled and sobbed here. Half muttered words warbling through my lips, and I'd taken off my glasses to set them aside. Isn't it true? 

How indeed, Kanou-san..At this point I'm just directly addressing you as if you were next to me instead of a character in a digital scanned manga trapped inside my phone screen. I don't understand it either. 

How can someone love you so lightly, and leave you just as easily?

When I finished the manga, I felt relieved. 

It was cathartic, being able to cry like that again. To grieve.

I knew I was crying for the sake of crying, nothing more, nothing less. To express my sadness. To avoid repression like any other times I would have done, if it wasn't for Kanou-san. Reading Kanou-san's words was a gift, because I was relieved the burden of saying it myself. It felt safe to repeat him, instead of forcefully burying the words in my throat.

At the end of it, I thanked Kanou-san.

Sometimes I do this thing where I hold myself up to a standard, and beating myself up for not being able to uphold it. There are words I would beat myself for saying, because I consider them "weak". Emotions I beat myself for feeling, because I consider them "inconvenient". I don't do this to anyone else, because how they live their life is not my business, but I do it to me because how I live my life IS my business.

Sometimes, it backfires.

Kanou-san really helped me this time.

And just for his sake, I thanked "Campanella" too.

Thank you for letting me grieve. I won't hold onto this loss, nor will I hold onto what Beloved had been for me and vice versa. I know I can grieve for the idea of them, once in a while, and that's okay. Because it doesn't set me back. It just moves me forward.

So, thank you, Kanou-san.

I'm so glad you found happiness.