Compulsive Flirting no more
These days thoughts fly in and out of my consciousness faster than I can keep track of them. Even when I stop for a while on certain thoughts and felt that I should make note of them, they eventually got forgotten and circling them back takes more of an effort than I thought.
Not necessarily the ones I put out on social media either, because I'm not entirely sure I want them out there for reasons some idiot taking them out of context.
Here is MY sanctuary.
At one point in time, I know I would delete my Twitter eventually because I was never fond of it, I never liked it, and I only made it this year because I was trying to venture out of my comfort zone on reaching out due to a friend's suggestion. When I'm more susceptibly stable on my own, I will deactivate and delete it.
But I can't deny that certain things ARE instigated by the platform, in terms of thoughts, both bad and good. Undeniably more bad than good, which is why I will deactivate it sooner than later, eventually, but that's beside the point.
I'm not keen on sharing my personal thoughts on such platform where it's WAY too lenient and too abrasive for strangers to pick apart. Here is much safer.
Privacy is privacy after all.
The circling thought was flirting. In my case, I was a bit of a compulsive flirter, of course, naturally, only with people I'm comfortable with.
This was evident during my highschool (the better part of it, not the part where I was sexually assaulted and lost a year of my memory) when I would just...compulsively flirt with my friends, despite it not having any meaning behind the actions and words and sometimes land me into drama.
I'll be the first to admit that kids, especially teens, are not the best with emotions and even then, most adults are barely capable of dealing with it either.
Emotions, in general, is a complicated bitch. And back then I was struggling to balance the load of my crumbling mental health, study, and family. Friends were the least of my problems, and I figured long ago that I don't mind losing some if that meant my load would be lighter.
That manifested in the languid way I would flirt around with my clique, despite knowing some of them having feelings for me. In a way, that was cruel of me to do, and to some extent, it was manipulative and downright narcissistic.
Teen me separated emotions from study and home, which is how my mental health is so fucked up. While I know logically that I would not have got the result I got in my SPM if I was constantly drowning in my PTSD, I also wished I hadn't immediately resorted to suppress-and-repress mode.
Logically, I know the reason why current me has a tendency to repress things is because of those years, afraid of the unknown pain and afraid of the unknown phantom touches that would jolt me awake from fitful sleep.
Until to the point where my go-to knee-jerk reaction to anything painful is to repress it, supress it, hide it, etc. Of course, you can see how this led me to self-harming and suicide attempts, because repression doesn't solve anything.
It just builds.
Anyway, because I tend to repress emotions, it was very hard for me to feel anything even as I frivolously flirt with my friends or people I am comfortable with.
Also, that could allude to the other factor of myself which is only known to certain people and will remain so unless I have a change of heart and mind, pertaining attraction to people in terms of building romantic relationships.
Of course, it's safe to say that I no longer compulsively flirt around anymore, be it with people I'm comfortable with or otherwise. Not since I know what actual reciprocated love felt like and how it felt to lose it, so we can argue that I have grown a little since then.
Not necessarily the ones I put out on social media either, because I'm not entirely sure I want them out there for reasons some idiot taking them out of context.
Here is MY sanctuary.
At one point in time, I know I would delete my Twitter eventually because I was never fond of it, I never liked it, and I only made it this year because I was trying to venture out of my comfort zone on reaching out due to a friend's suggestion. When I'm more susceptibly stable on my own, I will deactivate and delete it.
But I can't deny that certain things ARE instigated by the platform, in terms of thoughts, both bad and good. Undeniably more bad than good, which is why I will deactivate it sooner than later, eventually, but that's beside the point.
I'm not keen on sharing my personal thoughts on such platform where it's WAY too lenient and too abrasive for strangers to pick apart. Here is much safer.
Privacy is privacy after all.
The circling thought was flirting. In my case, I was a bit of a compulsive flirter, of course, naturally, only with people I'm comfortable with.
This was evident during my highschool (the better part of it, not the part where I was sexually assaulted and lost a year of my memory) when I would just...compulsively flirt with my friends, despite it not having any meaning behind the actions and words and sometimes land me into drama.
I'll be the first to admit that kids, especially teens, are not the best with emotions and even then, most adults are barely capable of dealing with it either.
Emotions, in general, is a complicated bitch. And back then I was struggling to balance the load of my crumbling mental health, study, and family. Friends were the least of my problems, and I figured long ago that I don't mind losing some if that meant my load would be lighter.
That manifested in the languid way I would flirt around with my clique, despite knowing some of them having feelings for me. In a way, that was cruel of me to do, and to some extent, it was manipulative and downright narcissistic.
Teen me separated emotions from study and home, which is how my mental health is so fucked up. While I know logically that I would not have got the result I got in my SPM if I was constantly drowning in my PTSD, I also wished I hadn't immediately resorted to suppress-and-repress mode.
Logically, I know the reason why current me has a tendency to repress things is because of those years, afraid of the unknown pain and afraid of the unknown phantom touches that would jolt me awake from fitful sleep.
Until to the point where my go-to knee-jerk reaction to anything painful is to repress it, supress it, hide it, etc. Of course, you can see how this led me to self-harming and suicide attempts, because repression doesn't solve anything.
It just builds.
Anyway, because I tend to repress emotions, it was very hard for me to feel anything even as I frivolously flirt with my friends or people I am comfortable with.
Also, that could allude to the other factor of myself which is only known to certain people and will remain so unless I have a change of heart and mind, pertaining attraction to people in terms of building romantic relationships.
Of course, it's safe to say that I no longer compulsively flirt around anymore, be it with people I'm comfortable with or otherwise. Not since I know what actual reciprocated love felt like and how it felt to lose it, so we can argue that I have grown a little since then.
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