26 and still alive. who knew?

 Honestly, it has been a long..LONG time since the last update. Mostly because Twitter has become my new "blog", so to speak, and writing long posts consumes too much of time and energy I no longer have these days. Now that I look back on my old posts about what I thought of Twitter (nothing good, tbh), it's ironic how it replaced this blog even though this place is basically a record of my ongoing life from when I was 13 years old. The cringy posts, the cringe UwU anime talk, the cringe everyfuckingthing, basically.

But it was fascinating to re-read my progress of growing up. The way my mind matured, and consequently, my understanding of myself. I'm glad I kept up with this record, so now I can always have something to look at and remember.

I'm an English highschool teacher now, for real and legit. Just like I always wanted to be. Sure my mental stability isn't quite there, and my MDD is still co-existing with everything else, but what matters is that I am still alive at 26, and isn't that a miracle none of us could foresee? Certainly not me.

God knows how many times I tried to kill myself. Even if it never took. Now look at me, living the life I never thought I would be. 26, I live alone in my apartment (rented, but that's more than we can afford during these trouble times of economic recession and fucking inflation), feeding myself with my own cooking, cleaning up after myself, having a stable income, a car, and freedom to do what I want. 

My own space, my own money, my own car, my own things. 

Who would have thought I'd still be alive for these.

Sure, there is the daily stress that comes with the job, but that's something I signed up for (some of them, at least. The other half is just dead weight.). I go to class, I teach my kids, and I am satisfied. My kids tell me they like learning from me, and I feel pride in my chest. I am where I want to be.

Sara is still here too, as she fucking should. I didn't sign the contract with Satan for nothing, cause that bitch is coming with me to hell. She's teaching a couple hours away in another district from me, but we're in the same state, and that's better than where we were before. Our mental healths are still fucked up beyond the nines, but we're still side by side after 6 years, so I would call it fate.

That mf can't run even if she wants to.

My family is still healthy, thankfully. Mom and Dad should be retiring from teaching soon, in another 1 or 2 years, and my sister has gained another child after Harraz. I don't know what came over her but I guess if that's what she wants, then who could say anything. Humaira is the name given when my niece was born, and Harraz is now a brother. That small, little, chubby baby I used to babysit during the weekends and holidays of my semester in degree is now 5 years old and in kindergarten. And Maira (the nickname that got stuck) is the spitting image of him as a baby. I am now an aunt of two.

So now we have two kids in this world I wouldn't punt across 50 yards if they came close to me. Maira couldn't be as close to me as Harraz was, because I'm not an unemployed mooching leech whose main duty was maid and nanny anymore, and my body has grown old and brittle unlike the time I was 23 and able to babysit a crying baby throughout the night without sleep. 

Nowadays, my back cracks when I stretch.

My baby brother is doing his degree in Negeri Sembilan now, and Mia is in her first year of highschool. My baby siblings are growing, and soon, there will come a time when I attend their graduations and milestone achievements (if I'm still alive and has not kicked the bucket). Another surprising thing? My maternal grandma is still alive. Bruh, she's like 90 or something, damn. Wonder what deal she made with the crossroads demon. 

I live a pretty peaceful life, if I do say so myself. I have a steady internet, and I can play genshin on my laptop on my weekends and off days. I can watch long streams, and have loud karaoke session whenever I want because my agent assured me that the apartment units are soundproofed. Sure, I have a few stressful shit here and there, and problems I deal with on the regular, but that's just life.

I think on the overall, I have it pretty good.