Moving with grief.

 warning for typos, since I'm typing with tears in my eyes and flowing down my cheeks.

Grief is a weird emotion, one I have been trying to let myself feel at a pace I could have the capacity for. It's been slow, but I know it moves. Today was a day I felt I had a good capacity to let myself sit and feel the waves as they fill up through me. Maybe because I'm going through my period, so my hormones are unbalanced, but it had its pros and cons. 

It's been 9 months since Tech passed. 

I am still grieving, and I don't know how long I would still be. I don't think it matters.

It definitely feels weird for me to be feeling so much grief over a Minecraft roleplayer's passing when I didn't feel anything when my grandparents passed. I had no doubt my family members would look at me with a stink eye for making that comparison, but matter of the fact is, I didn't have a lot of memorable memories with either of my grandparents. 

Tech helped me survive many insomniac nights, and nights when I didn't want to feel alive. His characterization in DSMP changed a lot of paths for me, and gave me many meaningful emotions. What I had for him was close to affection and doting loyalty, even if it was parasocial and distant. 

It was enough.

Some days, I delude myself in denial, wishing a world where he was still here and that he would still be able to fulfill his wants and wishes. When Phil said Tech had a lot of things he still wanted to do, I broke down. He had so much to give, so many that he still wants to do. 

Some days -days like this, when I know I can allow myself to sit in my grief without self-destruction as a consequence, I type in his name on youtube search bar (because he only streamed in youtube, unlike Phil, Tommy, and Wilbur) and the mere sight of his final video that he left us, his Voices, left me choking tears.

It wasn't sexual love, it wasn't even anything close to romance. But love had many forms, and one I felt -FEEL, for Tech (I could never bear to use his real name, the name his father allowed us to remember him by) was close to Philia and Agape. A sense of camaraderie that bloomed from a flimsy bond of mere Voices.

The day the news hit, I was numb. I sat in the showers for 2 hours, laughing hysterically, thinking the universe is pulling a prank, surely. Because I believed Tech would be fine. Because he said he would be fine. Because Phil and everyone else seemed fine. But at the back of my head, I knew we were all was just wishing with our hearts, deluding ourselves into thinking that surely...surely, he wouldn't be gone.

And that was never fair to Phil and everyone else. Because they were his closest friends, they had something more substantial than us Voices, who were merely texts on a screen for him. 

Even so, we all grieve in our own ways. 

 And the fact that what brought this on, was the cover song of Sentimental Feelings of Love by Hakka just makes it all feel more ridiculous. Maybe because it was a goodbye song? maybe it was because of the emotions Hakka carried in the song resonated with me? A reluctant, lonely, painful goodbye.

Remorse and regret, but a goodbye we had to carry regardless.

When he sang 

忘れてしまえたなら　この胸

のトゲは消えるの･･･？

思うほど寂しくて　その度に

痛いよ

ごめんね　ごめんね

さよならしなくちゃ

流れる季節に乗せて

If I were to forget it completely, will this thorn in my heart disappear...?

The more I think, the more lonely I am and each time it happens, it's painful

I'm sorry, I'm sorry

that I have to say farewell

and be carried along by the flow of the seasons.

I felt the dam inside me break and my throat felt clogged. 

I miss him every day. 

Technoblade never dies.