happy fucking birthday to me..yada yada yada
so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy
Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck.
Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist.
Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture.
It was fine.
Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die.
Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.
An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them.
Beloved sent me a pdf file of our sketchbook together and sent me some good memes and it made me laugh so, it's good. He's good. >3
He also said he's waiting for shipments of my gift (I made him promise no gifts for my birthday but he managed to find loopholes because sending the gifts AFTER my birthday technically doesn't break any promises, that's so clever I can't even be mad lol).
He said they're not big (at first I was like, "they?!" and after that I was like, "never mind, I'll just wait till they're here so it'd be too late for me to get mad at you") but it'll probably take some time for the shipping to be done and all.
Also, I'll probably get him a nasty ass ugly pants just because he played me.
No, not really, if I get him a gag gift for every time he plays me his wardrobe will be filled with them. He's so sarcastic I am in love.
A little update, I'll be renting out an apartment with 4 of my classmates because college has officially suck ass. I'll also be looking for jobs some time after the semester starts and I can manage time between schedules.
It's my fourth day of period and cramping is really fucking bad on the second day (it didn't receive the memo) so I was doubly grumpy and testy and easily fucking hurt like a bitchass.
I try not to be a bitchass too obvious, though I'm pretty sure I failed.
Everything just hurts both physical and emotional and I may sound fucking dumb for saying this but beloved is keeping me together pretty damn good.
Of course, I can't blame everyone else for not having the time, I mean, they have their own lives and schedule is pretty much hell this time of year.
I understand, I'm not THAT much of a bitchass.
Doesn't change the fact that he has been with me the entire rollercoaster of the fucking worst birthday and managed to make it better. It is what it is.
Mind you, I consider it the fucking worst birthday because of the emotional breakdown from panic attacks and anxiety attack. And everything hurt from my chest to my rectal area.
I feel much better today though, so that's cool.
Oh I forgot to mention, Mom forced a ring on me for some reason. I hated it and I sat through it like a dead immobile corpse, nodding along to whatever she was saying so long as she leaves me alone to survive my panic attack silently in public. I had weakly refused when she asked me the first time but she insisted and I was too tired to refuse a second time so I shut off and went into my head.
By the time she was done, Dad had slapped a ticket for 3D art museum on my wrist and told me to take Mia in because she was bored, I was still in my headspace so I went numbly and took pictures of every painting with Mia in it.
Everything hurt and I just needed to breathe in and out.
So what if my body was functioning numbly? It was a necessity.
After we got out the art museum, she put the ring on me and it stayed there until we got home. And shortly after I took a hot shower and everything has calmed down, I managed to slip it off and kept it in my pinbox.
It stayed there.
Sometimes it's still a little hard to breathe today but I'm faring better.
Jack's videos make me laugh so that's a plus.
...Ah, mom did remember what yesterday was around early evening today, I guess. By passive-aggressively commenting about it in the family groupchat. Okay?? Then dad wished and shook my hand (?) at nightfall.
If you're wondering why we're an emotionally constipated bunch of people, well, you know where to look for I guess.
I'm confused a lot of the time too so, join the club.
Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck.
Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist.
Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture.
It was fine.
Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die.
Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.
An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them.
Beloved sent me a pdf file of our sketchbook together and sent me some good memes and it made me laugh so, it's good. He's good. >3
He also said he's waiting for shipments of my gift (I made him promise no gifts for my birthday but he managed to find loopholes because sending the gifts AFTER my birthday technically doesn't break any promises, that's so clever I can't even be mad lol).
He said they're not big (at first I was like, "they?!" and after that I was like, "never mind, I'll just wait till they're here so it'd be too late for me to get mad at you") but it'll probably take some time for the shipping to be done and all.
Also, I'll probably get him a nasty ass ugly pants just because he played me.
A little update, I'll be renting out an apartment with 4 of my classmates because college has officially suck ass. I'll also be looking for jobs some time after the semester starts and I can manage time between schedules.
It's my fourth day of period and cramping is really fucking bad on the second day (it didn't receive the memo) so I was doubly grumpy and testy and easily fucking hurt like a bitchass.
I try not to be a bitchass too obvious, though I'm pretty sure I failed.
Everything just hurts both physical and emotional and I may sound fucking dumb for saying this but beloved is keeping me together pretty damn good.
Of course, I can't blame everyone else for not having the time, I mean, they have their own lives and schedule is pretty much hell this time of year.
I understand, I'm not THAT much of a bitchass.
Doesn't change the fact that he has been with me the entire rollercoaster of the fucking worst birthday and managed to make it better. It is what it is.
Mind you, I consider it the fucking worst birthday because of the emotional breakdown from panic attacks and anxiety attack. And everything hurt from my chest to my rectal area.
I feel much better today though, so that's cool.
Oh I forgot to mention, Mom forced a ring on me for some reason. I hated it and I sat through it like a dead immobile corpse, nodding along to whatever she was saying so long as she leaves me alone to survive my panic attack silently in public. I had weakly refused when she asked me the first time but she insisted and I was too tired to refuse a second time so I shut off and went into my head.
By the time she was done, Dad had slapped a ticket for 3D art museum on my wrist and told me to take Mia in because she was bored, I was still in my headspace so I went numbly and took pictures of every painting with Mia in it.
Everything hurt and I just needed to breathe in and out.
So what if my body was functioning numbly? It was a necessity.
After we got out the art museum, she put the ring on me and it stayed there until we got home. And shortly after I took a hot shower and everything has calmed down, I managed to slip it off and kept it in my pinbox.
It stayed there.
Sometimes it's still a little hard to breathe today but I'm faring better.
Jack's videos make me laugh so that's a plus.
...Ah, mom did remember what yesterday was around early evening today, I guess. By passive-aggressively commenting about it in the family groupchat. Okay?? Then dad wished and shook my hand (?) at nightfall.
If you're wondering why we're an emotionally constipated bunch of people, well, you know where to look for I guess.
I'm confused a lot of the time too so, join the club.
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