AkImA No NiKkI

Hello. So, yesterday was marching day, and I managed to live through it fine. I slept the residual anxiety off after we were dismissed, and woke up still breathing. The nightmares are expected. Amelia checked up on me beforehand, right after it was done, and I foolishly joked away her concerns. Unlike everyone else, she was pissed at me for it and chewed me out. Humbly, and guiltily, I apologized. I knew giving instructions on distracting the pain is how she shows her concerns for me, because she has always been one to say the things I needed, instead of what I wanted. It's why she's incredibly amazing and simultaneously infuriating to be with, at times. It's been 4 weeks since I've been here. Life is changing. Good, yet changing. I don't feel a connection to my past, the 'people' I knew and the 'memories' about them.  My traumas are dormant, and my demons quiet. The nightmares are easy enough to deal with nowadays, not after the terrors

Greetings. So, the last post was about my first public major panic attack. Regarding that issue, I've been thinking about it quite a bit, with some input from Amelia, as always. It's no secret that I've started to check out every counsellor office wherever I ended up in because first thing I'd like to know is whether they have good use or measures of help in case I needed them. I say check out as in recon mission, never yet a direct involvement. Not after a ghastly encounter with a, frankly, incredulous staff of work. Apparently all I needed was a good hearty jump to the light side. *roll eyes* I'd rather jump off of a fucking building, lady. This time, I suppose I've a bit of luck on my side. The counsellor happens to be my education course lecturer, or rather, the other way around. I get the advantage of observing her from a safe distance and evaluate whether or not I'd pay her office a visit. Luck indeed. I wasn't gonna advance without ba

Hello. Update, I've been having a couple of near episodes these few days. They're not big enough to crumple me but neither are they small enough for me to ignore. I haven't have had one of those in quite a while, have I? Well, I suppose it's time to remedy that. What better way to do it with a major trigger? With a direct link to the place where everything started, no less. For anyone who isn't familiar with the term "triggers", I'll explain it as simple as I could. Triggers are mainly anything that could shock someone with...mental illness, shall we say, back to their worst memories. They're basically small things that remind you of the events that caused you the illness in the first place. It could be a song, a word, a sentence, a face, an object, an event, etc etc etc. Triggers send them back when wars are happening, guns being shot, screams being drawn. For me, they send me back to her hands. First things first, is everyon

Greetings. I come bearing news. Congrats to Sis for the engagement. I suppose I should say I apologize for my absence but I doubt it would've made any difference. No, there's no double meaning or entendre in that sentence so don't bother looking into it. No sarcasm implied. Mom, I imagine, is incredibly ecstatic. Please hold her off of my case till oh I don't know a couple years minimum. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her and Sis and all of the uh, people, involved. It's just that I've seen how far she went in Sis's case, and I don't want that for me, thank you. I'm not like her and I don't take lightly people nosing about my personal business, as I've once told Sis. As for the uh, newcomers, I don't know what to make of um, them, yet. Amelia advised me against hostility (of course, I'm not a frickin barbarian *roll eyes* ) yet I don't think I'll be exactly "welcoming" either. After all, they are stran

Yello. I miss Amelia and Irene terribly today. I do miss them in proportion each day but today feels like a big one. Being among people again, among "society" again, tends to have the most flinch-worthy reactions out of me. Such as keeping my poker face cool regardless of how distasteful I find a person's choice of words may be. Tact is a value in the polite world. *roll eyes* I'm gonna have to re-learn the basics to tune out the inane and annoying mindless chatters that the people around me here seems to have a habit speaking. I find it as incredibly annoying as they find my cursing habits, acting as if every little "fuck" I say is a dishonor on somebody's cow. And to think I won't have to deal with that shit in Uni life. *sigh* Also, I am not fucking shy .  I am reserved . The kind of shit that falls out of my mouth is one you might need above 18 ears on and I'm perceptive so watch your choice of words because sometimes people do

It feels nice to revel in my old glass of solitude again, like the good ol' times. Way before the silence I love was twisted into everything and anything to drive me to insanity (literally) just by manipulating rough unwanted touches. It was my happy little pocket of peace and calm serenity before it became the sinister calm before the storm. Now, that past is behind me, and I feel the soothing cold of old familiarity as I bask in the peaceful silence I thought I'd never gain back since I broke. Yup, leaving home has never felt better. Not that I hate it, being at home, it's just that all those time I spent meddling in chores and whatnot has always feel like I could be doing something else more helpful and purposeful. It feels like I was stewing in an old pool of shame and resentment at not being good enough. Now, I feel like I have a mission . A soldier back on the fields. ( John Watson, I feel you. *salute* ) Of course, walking among strange faces helps. No

Ola, chiquitas. We started our first lecture today, mainly introductions to the courses, of the lecturers, and ourselves. I feel weird that they purposely stacked our courses like a steep hill rather than an even stairs. Looking at the course outline, 1st term has only 6 subjects, 2nd term little bit more, and suddenly 3rd term looks like it had a box of heavy things inside toppling sideways down to the ground. How did they think that would result in students' mind? It's rather odd. Not to mention since our faculty's still getting used to the newly moved environment, our facilities and privileges are coming up a bit short. It's not as much as a problem than an inconvenience. I'm glad to say I have a great roommate though. And to think we're from the same state! What small world. One of my foundation classmates ended up as my housemate too so that's a bonus. We live in an apartment-like housing with 4 rooms, 2 people per each. Laundry room is just