4th August 2014 marks the day
Hello.
So, yesterday was marching day, and I managed to live through it fine. I slept the residual anxiety off after we were dismissed, and woke up still breathing. The nightmares are expected.
Amelia checked up on me beforehand, right after it was done, and I foolishly joked away her concerns. Unlike everyone else, she was pissed at me for it and chewed me out. Humbly, and guiltily, I apologized. I knew giving instructions on distracting the pain is how she shows her concerns for me, because she has always been one to say the things I needed, instead of what I wanted. It's why she's incredibly amazing and simultaneously infuriating to be with, at times.
It's been 4 weeks since I've been here.
Life is changing.
Good, yet changing.
I don't feel a connection to my past, the 'people' I knew and the 'memories' about them.
My traumas are dormant, and my demons quiet.
The nightmares are easy enough to deal with nowadays, not after the terrors I've had for the past 7 years. Compared to then? This is angelcake. Even if I'm slightly restless, it's the lesser evil.
Sis is moving on, and I cheer her for it.
We are diverging path, the one in the other direction mine to take. It reminds me of the poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost, adding two travellers instead of one.
I suppose I should say I feel more alone.
I don't.
For once, I'm comfortable in my own skin. Maybe there are arguments and clarifications and uproar of defence to be made, by blood or by love, because of my silence and their walls.
I felt (and still do) that love doesn't warrant trust. While I love them, I couldn't trust them.
They'd argue I never really gave them a chance.
Would I? After all I've seen and shown and proved, over and over and over again?
She is moving along, and I should too.
I used to say distance doesn't make a difference.
It was blank point forced optimism on my part, because it had to. I was desperate.
Familiar connections are always welcome, and cherished.
Yet it holds little candle against solid presence.
There are limits, of course, to the extend of such bonds.
I've lost many emotional connections, and I'm losing more. *shakes head*
Should I prepare for the winter season in my soul?
I keep looking back to 4th August 2014.
To the fierce acknowledgement that saved me.
The hug that anchored me.
And many more after that.
Now just memories.
So, yesterday was marching day, and I managed to live through it fine. I slept the residual anxiety off after we were dismissed, and woke up still breathing. The nightmares are expected.
Amelia checked up on me beforehand, right after it was done, and I foolishly joked away her concerns. Unlike everyone else, she was pissed at me for it and chewed me out. Humbly, and guiltily, I apologized. I knew giving instructions on distracting the pain is how she shows her concerns for me, because she has always been one to say the things I needed, instead of what I wanted. It's why she's incredibly amazing and simultaneously infuriating to be with, at times.
It's been 4 weeks since I've been here.
Life is changing.
Good, yet changing.
I don't feel a connection to my past, the 'people' I knew and the 'memories' about them.
My traumas are dormant, and my demons quiet.
The nightmares are easy enough to deal with nowadays, not after the terrors I've had for the past 7 years. Compared to then? This is angelcake. Even if I'm slightly restless, it's the lesser evil.
Sis is moving on, and I cheer her for it.
We are diverging path, the one in the other direction mine to take. It reminds me of the poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost, adding two travellers instead of one.
I suppose I should say I feel more alone.
I don't.
For once, I'm comfortable in my own skin. Maybe there are arguments and clarifications and uproar of defence to be made, by blood or by love, because of my silence and their walls.
I felt (and still do) that love doesn't warrant trust. While I love them, I couldn't trust them.
They'd argue I never really gave them a chance.
Would I? After all I've seen and shown and proved, over and over and over again?
She is moving along, and I should too.
I used to say distance doesn't make a difference.
It was blank point forced optimism on my part, because it had to. I was desperate.
Familiar connections are always welcome, and cherished.
Yet it holds little candle against solid presence.
There are limits, of course, to the extend of such bonds.
I've lost many emotional connections, and I'm losing more. *shakes head*
Should I prepare for the winter season in my soul?
I keep looking back to 4th August 2014.
To the fierce acknowledgement that saved me.
The hug that anchored me.
And many more after that.
Now just memories.
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