jibun wa kirai

I hate it here! hate hate hate hate!!!!! I can't stand this anymore....That new girl is just making things worse for me...I don't hate her,but I don't really like her either..I started to....Lose myself here..I don't like myself..I hate myself..I hate what I become,I hate what I changed,I hate myself..Faqihah,do you know why I love being by your side?? You make me feel at ease..Self-composed...I feel that there's nothing wrong with me..I can accept myself for who I am,for what I do,for what I feel..You,are the friend that I should kill myself for leaving you..And Azwa too..Hidayah...Sharmeen...Elyana...Aina...All of you...made me feel comfortable with being just only...me...
I'm sorry...I'm sorry...But I don't think I can feel you anymore ..The bond that enables us to feel each other...I'm so sorry,baby...It's gone...Gone....I'm useless..Hopeless..I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry....

I lost..I lost myself..Now,what am I to do?? Faqihah...Azwa...Hidayah...Sharmeen...Help me...Help..I need help..The weight..The burden..The burden of losing yourself..The burden of not being able to remember who you really are..The burden of not being able to be who you really are..Because you don't know how to..I hate myself...

I hate being here.I hate going to that school.I hate that stupid badge.I want to wear the SMIP's badge.I look at that badge and I remember..I remember when I laughed with them..I remember when I cried with them..I remember,when I spent almost 24-hours with them..They were part of my life..Now,if they were not,then what am I?? Who am I??

No matter how many times I apologise,they can't hear me..No matter how many times I cried in agony,they can't see me..And I can't see them..Can't feel them..Their warmth..Their soothing voices..Their laughters..Echoed through my eardrums..It's just a hallucination..
I'm sorry..I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry baby...I'm sorry I left..I'm sorry I was a coward..I'm sorry I was a liar..I'm sorry....I'm sorry...can you hear me?? No..of course you can't..I'm sorry....

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