sleep

I...just want to sleep...I want to sleep and live in my dream,where I can run from realities..From this world..True,I've seen many ridiculous acts done by many teenagers and mostly they are the same age as me,my sister said that 14 is the most dangerous year for teenagers because it's the most rebellious,dangerous,confusing year of the teenagerhood.Well,it's my sister's opinion..

Ever since I lost my phone a week ago,I don't know myself anymore,like I've drowned to the way I used to be...In a cage..Because that phone is the only way for me to keep in touch with faqie and azwa..They don't really opened up to technologies so they don't have any email addresses,I don't really mind with the others because I can still contact them through emails and facebooks..It's them that I worry about,because without them,I'm back to the way I used to be,not me..

I noticed that I've lost a bit of conscious sometimes especially when at school,it feels like hundreds of pieces of glasses were stuck right in my liver.Although people around me does not notice anything for I always make sure to look completely normal and not-in-pain face.Even if I didn't make that face,people would still take no notice because people think that I only have two expression.A plain smile one and a dull blank one.Well,that's kinda true....Half of it..

I used to encourage myself to keep on living because they told me to.Because the least thing I could keep in touch with them was by voices,they tell me to keep on,and I kept up.That was a week ago.Now,I can't hear them anymore,it's bad enough that I can't see them now I can't hear them,what more could have happened to me..??

Nee-san's not home either,so all I can do is curled up in the corner of the bed and stuff my face with my pillow and scream and cry all I want.I'm pretty sure mom and dad won't hear me because I put the computer to the door so that it will be heavy to push.My door can't be locked because my brother destroyed it years ago.I used to cry with Nee-san when I was little,and she used to wrap her arms around me,making me feel comfortable,safe...Loved..When she went to the University,I longed for her hug,but kept it quiet inside my head.I...Probably think that she would think me stupid if I asked her to hug me,so I just kept my mouth shut.

I don't want to be in anyone's arms except for Nee-san and faqie,because sometimes other people's hugs makes me wanna puke,or more feelingless.Even a hug from my own childhood friend,sometimes I refuse their 'polite' hugs and sometimes I would just run away,thinking it was too scary or too risky in my head.I don't know why,but I just..can't..couldn't..wouldn't..shouldn't..

accept other's arms than Nee-san's and faqie's..

That's why,I wished I could sleep..Sleep from this nightmare I'm living in..Sleep from this life in this world...I just want to...Sleep,and never wake up...

Nakanai de...Onegai..

Ore wa,subete no himitsu..Kono sekai wa,kono kimochi mo..

subete wa...Himitsu.