AkImA No NiKkI

I've had this draft in the safe for a while. I have a tendency to open a blank page, intending to write, but whited out after putting down the title. Whether I lost interest in writing it, or decided I shouldn't, and later changed my mind, who knows.  There is 2 weeks left until I  start my final semester of degree. Honestly, I don't know how I got here (do you have 90 minutes?) and admittedly, I've had close encounters because let's face it, my failed 4th (?5th?) suicide attempt is still fairly recent. Speaking of recent, I feel better. I've unloaded some burdens, some baggage, so at the least part, I could think in rational terms which is a lot healthier for my well-being. Apparently that showed in my appetite. People around me have been asking me why I've gotten "chubby", and for a while, that bugged me, because it resulted in poking at my self-esteem in a way I have never thought about before. I began to look at myself differently...

How do I pull parts of me that are fragmented? Those parts of yourself when you were just a little kid, not knowing how to be yourself other than just existing as you are. The absolute conviction that you are YOU.  Where do they go? My friend is broken. Sometimes they come to me hoping I can be with them at the moment. They don't ask what I can't afford. All I needed to be was present. But existing is something we both are having trouble with. Something most of us have trouble with. I don't know how other people do it, and it's very likely that even if I asked, it wouldn't work the same way for me or her or us.  I can't persuade my kid to not say things like "if I die pursuing my dreams, so be it" because I have issues with dying just to not exist. I have no rights. I can't tell someone to live when I myself am someone who is still figuring out how to. And the desire to.  When I can't sleep and dredges of the void drags my chest to the bo...