AkImA No NiKkI

 Here we go again, trying to heal through a variety of childhood traumas. Buckle the fuckle up, I guess. So, my childhood was sprinkled with violence as much as it was surrounded by love. That's what you get when your parents never went to therapy for their traumas and subconsciously fucking up their children as a consequence. The only reason I could find myself forgiving them for their parenting mistakes is because I know they never meant to, and they are aware of what their mistakes caused, and they are actively trying to fix and understand our pain. Not every parent is like them, I am well aware, and I also know that their mistakes are not everything they are to me. There is a huge difference between parents who consciously and knowingly hurt their children and parents who just made mistakes.  For all their mistakes caused my childhood to retain damages, they also tried their best to show me love in the ways they had never been shown by their own parents, and I appreciate t...

Last week was a small show of a circus. It was week without walls so we had no classes other than completing assignments via digital means, thus I spent the week sleeping despite knowing I could have spent it doing my thesis because for some reason my brain short-circuits no matter how long I sit in front of the opened document.  I was sleeping unabashedly like I was back in asasi, for days on end with only brief moments of consciousness. I remember settling into the warm confines of my bed on Wednesday, only to wake up (after checking my phone) on a Saturday. That's a new record. Before you ask, no I didn't eat. No I didn't drink. For the entire 4 days? Yes. Reasonably, I only woke up on Saturday because there was a slimey feeling between my legs and realized I've woken up in a pool of my own blood. Honestly, not the first time either. The depression "nap" turned into a depression "coma" and with the period, it was not uncommon for me. PMS is ...

It's been couple weeks, yeah. So some shit been solved, some shit turns up. Most of the good shit, like problems with authority and keys and work are doing good. Mostly. Bad shit is, well, as always, people. Fucking goddamn stupid ass dumbfucked people. Y'all might see this as a new progress but my psychiatrist who I been seeing since last 2017 August for every month outside of holidays and semester breaks have told me that my appointments from now are gonna be spread out from once in 2 months. Eventhough I have my monthly pick up meds prescription. Know why? Because last time I saw him, I was to the brink of throwing myself out of the seventh floor of the faculty building. Because goddamn people of this society, this cultural background, have such an ignorant stigma for mental health. I get it. My folks don't even believe in mine still and they think the meds was a one time thing. They don't wanna know how disturbed I get without my daily meds. Hell they don't...

So, it's been a week or so since 4th semester started and already I wish for it to end. For several reasons, including how I wish I didn't cave into the guilt trip and registered in Group B instead because this is a fucking mess right off the bat with these girls, I swear. The sigh of an everlasting annoyance is not unfamiliar by now. The fondness these days has made way for exasperation and irritation mostly. Also, the I-Learn site which we use to regularly update our information for assignment tasks and guidelines and lecture slides was recently "updated" and is still in configuration which means a fucking pain in the butthole. Lecturers expect us to have these things by the next class and I can't even access the fucking shit and this grates on my patience  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT THIS POINT SO HELP ME GOD. On top of that, there aren't any interesting or good subjects to look forward to this semester and the schedule is nothing short of torture be...

Yes, you read it right. No, it's not "prettiness", it's "pettiness". Lose the "r", as in "petty". It's the first week of August, and date's growing nearer. There are a lot of things I wanna mention since the last post but, I figure what's past should be left in the past. Not to say we shouldn't learn from them though (the car-meds incident). Following up on the car-meds incident  (short run-through : I was supposed to get my meds update at the local hospital last 1st August but I was too scared to tell Mom since she disapprove of my 'crazy' meds and resorted, stupidly, to drive my own ass eventhough it would be the first time I'd have been behind wheels for the last 4 years. Long story short, I got my ass whooped when I got home and to top it off, I didn't even get my meds update because the local hospital, quote unquote, does not have the necessary qualifications for the medic I need. What bullshit.)...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

I don't know what's wrong. There seems to be nothing wrong, at all, yet I don't feel it. It's wearing me thin, night after night. I want to know what is wrong so I can damn fix it . I have to fix it. I wake up, everything is okay. I look around the house, I do my chores as content I can be. Mom and Dad comes home and our interaction is easy, light-hearted and comforting. I laugh and smile as genuinely I can feel. Nothing is wrong. Lil' sis comes home, I ask about her day and play with her if I could. Lifting her up or rough-housing or tickling. We laugh and the shrill voices carry around the house. Nothing is wrong. Evening passes and I spend it appropriately around my family, whether it be Mom or Dad or Sis or Lil' sis. It is genuine and wonderful and calming and everything is alright . Yet.....when I am alone in the nights, I am sad . This sadness....I don't know it. It's unfamiliar to me. It's not from my past and it's not ...

Thank God for 123movies for uploading the whole ep because by God I've been sweeping through Google list for an on9 stream even while making sociology notes in between. Thank you, multi-tasking. Here comes the screaming rant. (takes deep breath) JOHN YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD WAS IT THE HAIR IT WAS THE HAIR ISN'T IT IT WAS THE HAIR THAT CHANGED YOU TO A FUCKING BASTARD ISN'T IT OOOHHHHHHH BOI YOU GON GET IT I MEAN I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE MARY THAT MUCH BECAUSE SHE SHOT SHERLOCK DUHH BUT MOST OF ALL I DO NOT LIKE TO SEE SHERLOCK IN PAIN BOTH EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY SO DON'T YOU DARE JOHN DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PUT THIS ON HIM I SWEAR YOU ARE A FUCKING ARMY DOCTOR YOU ARE THE HEART TO SHERLOCK'S BRAIN SO DON'T YOU HURT HIM JOHN DON'T YOU EVEN FUCKING DARE DON'T YOU PUSH HIM AWAY LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE SHERLOCK LOVES YOU YOU WHO FIRST ACCEPTED HIM AND GAVE HIM A SOUL AND BECAME HIS HEART NOT YOU WHO GAVE HIM THE ABILITY TO LOVE PAST BEYO...

With Finals one week apart, this term is edging on to its end. Half of the students are going back home even when it's only 4-5 days of break, not accounting the nearly a day's worth trip for the far away people such as myself. With the ticket in my hand, the choice was made for me anyways. Speaking of choices.... I noticed these talks of matchmaking me with a human supposedly "worthy" of my personality (screw that, more like, my time) which most of them comes from one annoying classmate who's too loud and too annoying for her own good. As if there is nothing else to talk about. *scoff* I try to avoid being in her vicinity for the sake of my personal space but generally, fate hates me thus some of my group works includes her. Which means outside class meet-ups for group discussions. Which means talking. Which means annoying. only with her, though . Recently, a couple of nights ago, she opens up the topic of past lovers. (God, why) She asked me of Tho...

Today has officially begins the rainy (flood, for most eastern coast states) season because it has not stopped raining cats and dogs from dawn till right this moment which is 12.04 morning the next day. It's that time of the year again, guys. Ready the boats. (sigh) I hope there won't be anything like last 2 years. (I just jinxed myself, didn't I. Fuck.) Well, I'm writing as midterm nearly ends anyway, with my ticket scheduled for tomorrow night. There are plenty of loose ends (read:assignments) to tie up once I reach college and then Finals will start to end the term. I wonder if I'll make it home for my birthday. Ah..I'm turning 21 next year. Mmm...Yay? Honestly, the only thing I could think of about my 21st birthday is "wow now I'm legally obligated to vote. fuck." . Geh. I noticed that these couple of weeks have been...rough, to say it mildly. Some nightmares were making a comeback continuously for weeks making me lose sleep more tha...

I've issued a trigger warning in the title so please, if you don't like these things, turn away IMMEDIATELY. I refuse to be something my tormentors gave me. I've been re-reading my things, lately. I've got my old phone fixed and I'm using it again, storing the recent one in the drawers. As per usual, I went through the things to make sure nothing is missing.  Pictures, videos, songs, contacts, and......notes. The last one is important. More important than the contacts because I could care less if I lost a few numbers here and there, either I'd get it back if I ever need them or we'd accidentally cross path. No biggie. But notes... They're secrets. My deepest, darkest, secrets. Don't people use their notes app in their phones as a diary? I'm pretty sure I saw it once in IG. Either way, I opened it and re-read the pages I made for the past 2 years. Dear God, I was such a whiny ass little crybaby of a bitch back then. Of course, it was w...

Yello. It's been 3 days since I got home safe n square with Sis and bro. And before any of y'all scream in shock and pass out unconscious, I decided to go with "bro" in according to Sis's husband because it's vague enough to be used in a strange-public situation and good enough not to raise suspicion in others of my opinions about him. I could've gone with "dude" or something but I have a feeling a lotta ppl wouldn't approve. Not that I give a shit but just to save Sis some grievance. On 30th June, Sis and him picked me up at college where we opened fast in a seafood restaurant with my name on it. Literally, like, the restaurant's name was 'Husna's Seafood restaurant', no joke. I snorted a laugh when I noticed the sign. After eating, Sis had a gastric attack which led me to nearly combust inside-out in silence, internally panicking because as far as I know, she's never had a gastric attack in her whole life. Instead,...

It's the 3rd day of Ramadhan and finals is in 2 weeks. Last Gawai break at home was....well, to put it simply, progressive. I didn't entirely hate it, minus the one or four times I wanted to throw myself over a bridge but that's not out of the ordinary, so that's that. Baby bro and Mia made things a little bearable, I suppose. Yeay for little siblings, right?  By now, I've already finished most of my assignments and should focus on the coming finals. Roomie reminded me to get an early ticket home for Eid before it's all gone, eventhough we just got back. Well, it's Eid, so it's understandable. Considering we're changing rooms next term, we have to clear out our things by Eid as well. The thought of lugging heavy sets of luggage around on a 12+ hour trip bus puts a frown on my face but if shove comes to push, I guess there's no other way around it. Dad told me to hitch a ride home with Sis and stuff my crap at her place. Since we didn'...