AkImA No NiKkI

Second day of starting semester 5 and I already feel like kissing an oncoming train. Credits to Bo for that reference.  I left my mug at Sis's place and the cafes don't sell any mugs so I can't make any coffee in my room. Leaves me with pretty much bare mentality to brace the class and schedules and stupid lecturer rules that don't make fucking sense. I haven't taken my meds since end of January cause I ran out and I need to make an appointment again soon to replenish my stocks because I know I'm gonna fucking need them to survive this semester. I barely survived second day, for fuck's sake. I've forgotten how loud the class is and how intense the headache they emanate.  Plus, some lecturers we get this semester are particularly obnoxious in the way that we have to dress exactly like they want even going as far as nitpicking on types of shoes and nametags. Also, how the classes are put together in the schedule is fucking ridiculous. Why in...

My insomnia is acting up again. I've taken two sleeping pills yesterday morning and last night, yet the only hours I've been able to sleep is 3 this morning from 7-9. I promised my psychiatrist that I'll only take them if I hadn't gotten any sleep more than 24 hours and now my head is kicking up a storm. I wonder if it'd be superstitious to say it'd have something related with the dream of mirrors I had couple of days ago. I'm starting to think the dream of mirrors were dragged up by the most recent void memory being surfaced. Maybe it's a reaction. God, I don't know. There were similarities. Maybe my head cocked up a dream from what it interpreted as a hey-you-got-a-memory-back-here's-a-gift thing. I saw 14 years old me like a mirror with a reflection that wasn't truly mine eventhough I feel her as myself and the dream...turned it sinister, even when I considered the coming-back memory a positive one despite what it entailed. Why...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

Finally, some freakin' break! Or well, I couldn't really call it a break, more like, a necessary halt. Funny how seeing the same doctor twice can make them see right through your bluff. Or maybe having a panic attack causing your body to cramp in the sick bays work too. Newsflash : I'm being medically referred to a legal psychiatrist in Sgai Buloh Hospital tomorrow morning by UK (unit kesihatan) as per the doctor who diagnosed me insisted. It started off with just your regular run-off-the-mill panic attacks, really. It's not like they're out of the ordinary in my routine. But I guess at this age, they start to take a toll on your body (it sounds like I'm middle-aged or something..) and my body cramps really fucking bad throughout two nights leaving me with less than half an hour sleep and shit-ton of work and presentation to do. ( no, I'm not on my period .) Last I slept was the half an hour on Tuesday afternoon. After Friday morning's class, ...

I'm planning a day of exploring and adventure tomorrow, or today, actually, looking at the time. Not first thing in the morning like I would've liked to because I regretfully have stupid co-curriculum stuff but at least it's only couple of hours at asscrack in the morning so it doesn't cut into the day all that much. After that, I'm bolting it. Plan? I'm gonna see cats. And play with cats. Surround myself with cats. Like a therapy with cats. PALAM don't got any cats (like a lucky charm that's only found if you go on a sacred journey and fulfill a grand quest to save the world) and somehow this morning (well, yesterday morning but whatever) I just thought, I need to see (and possibly touch) some cats or I'm gonna go crazy. You can say it's a random thought that popped in. That I will most definitely impulsively follow. Because cats. It'll probably seem jarring what I'm writing right now compared to the recent previous post ...

It's been couple of good days recently. I'm warily glad. Sometimes I still forget my assignment tasks and that sorta scares me a bit because I remember having been nearly on point with my works but occasionally, my groupmates remind me and that scrapes the uneasiness a bit from my chest. I used to be able to discern my work from personal really well up until this point and looking at how it's suddenly affecting each other makes me feel incompetent. What I said during the last ice-breaking session in FE class is no more true than the fact that I love reading. I am good with separating my work and personal lives.  It's just that the notion applies only to outside people from myself. Because obviously I am the greatest danger to my own person. If I'm smart, I'd do something about that and yeah, I'm learning and trying, but things don't always move like we want them to. It's like trying to tell people who has anxiety to stop feeling anxious or ...

Things were really bad last week. The worst I have ever made since I decided to go for recovery 3 years ago when Amelia and Irene convinced me to. I'm at square one now. Back to the beginning and starting all over again. And there's no one to be mad at but myself, this I am well too aware of. So here I am, starting recovery from scratch. Again. I can't even apologize. It's worthless and there's no value to them considering how much of a piece of shit I am. I don't deserve to feel guilty when my stupid rationality flies out the fucking window every time my mood fluctuates downhill like a shitty economic bar.  Fucking hell. If you can't tell by now, it means I relapsed. Past tense.  I'm a little bit okay now, since the moods has passed, but I'm gonna have to start the recovery process all over again from scratch as I've reiterated above. I'm not doing excellent or good, but I'm trying what I can to counter it. It's probably no...

With Finals one week apart, this term is edging on to its end. Half of the students are going back home even when it's only 4-5 days of break, not accounting the nearly a day's worth trip for the far away people such as myself. With the ticket in my hand, the choice was made for me anyways. Speaking of choices.... I noticed these talks of matchmaking me with a human supposedly "worthy" of my personality (screw that, more like, my time) which most of them comes from one annoying classmate who's too loud and too annoying for her own good. As if there is nothing else to talk about. *scoff* I try to avoid being in her vicinity for the sake of my personal space but generally, fate hates me thus some of my group works includes her. Which means outside class meet-ups for group discussions. Which means talking. Which means annoying. only with her, though . Recently, a couple of nights ago, she opens up the topic of past lovers. (God, why) She asked me of Tho...

Today has officially begins the rainy (flood, for most eastern coast states) season because it has not stopped raining cats and dogs from dawn till right this moment which is 12.04 morning the next day. It's that time of the year again, guys. Ready the boats. (sigh) I hope there won't be anything like last 2 years. (I just jinxed myself, didn't I. Fuck.) Well, I'm writing as midterm nearly ends anyway, with my ticket scheduled for tomorrow night. There are plenty of loose ends (read:assignments) to tie up once I reach college and then Finals will start to end the term. I wonder if I'll make it home for my birthday. Ah..I'm turning 21 next year. Mmm...Yay? Honestly, the only thing I could think of about my 21st birthday is "wow now I'm legally obligated to vote. fuck." . Geh. I noticed that these couple of weeks have been...rough, to say it mildly. Some nightmares were making a comeback continuously for weeks making me lose sleep more tha...

"We never defeat our demons, Mordo. We learn to live above them." - Supreme Sorcerer in Doc.Strange. It's funny, what she said. Because it's true, innit? You never truly destroy what has the potential to destroy you because it is also a part of what you are. So you find recesses to live above them, and it's a continual effort until the rest of your life. I've had an exhausting week. Assignments being typed and printed, discussions being scheduled and worked out, tests being discussed and examined, presentations being rolled out and moving, etc etc etc. We're nearing mid-term break the week after and not long until final exam for this term to end. Rush, rush, rush. Yesterday was fun. I experienced using a Black Room simulation and Rope Rescue during the FireFighter trip to FRAM (Fire Rescue Academy) in Kuala Kubu Bharu and everything was exciting and educational. I genuinely enjoyed myself despite missing a day's class. Though the backlash sho...

Doing assignments and working on papers has been really hard recently.  I don't think it's the level of the work, just that it felt like something was missing whenever I have them laid out on the desk. It felt like nothing was coming out of my brain and I had to scoop out the words one by one. It felt like labor work.    -___-||| And yesterday it finally hit me. Music.  All this time, I've been trying to do my papers in silence and not like I'm used to doing them, with a mug of coffee and earphones plugged in. I didn't even realize how long I've been struggling without them lol xD As the result of not being able to do my work properly, it left me feeling all kinds of worthless and stupid and useless. Not a good feeling, I guarantee you. More often than not, I had to take a break and take a walk outside my room, if just to clear my head. It kinda has been digging me up for a while, this issue. But last night, I was able to get into my working headspace...

My fever is gone now and I feel alright again. I still have to finish the rest of the pills else the trip we made to the PK (Health Center) and me getting my blood taken for a blood test would be for nothing. No headaches, no occasional ringing in the ear, and no runny nose. My temperature is back to normal so I could take the ol regular cold shower again. Funny story, when the doctor was sticking a needle on the inside of my arm, a classmate (who had given me a ride to the PK in the first place) was accompanying me. I looked away when the doc was brandishing the needle (I'm not squeamish of needles nor blood but I didn't wanna watch how it's gonna look like piercing my skin in case it triggers something) and the classmate sort of held out her open palm to me and I grabbed it instinctually.  When I felt the needle up in my arm, I felt choked laughter bubbling inside my chest. Weird, I know. I tried to hold it in but the doc was taking a while with my blood and I just...

Hey, y'alls. It's reminiscing time! Hahahaha Lately, I realized that the majority space of my phone has been taken over by Mystic Messenger . The little time I have when not logged in is spent checking on class and family group whatsapps and that's about it. Even reading fics is counted as golden time these days. Well talk about addiction at its finest. LOL Who knew I would be so hooked up on an otome game?  Hopefully my last, tbh, 'cause I'm not sure the rest of the more demanding aspects of my life could allow such an obsessive nature (bordering maniac) without sacrificing something. I don't mind gaming, once in a while, but I don't want it to be an obsession. I have enough of those to last a lifetime. -____-||| After I'm done with all the Routes and cleared out the game, that should be the end of it. I hope. Currently, I'm on Han Jumin 's route. And boy, does this one got me thinking. Somehow, Jumin captured my interest more a...