AkImA No NiKkI

It's one of those blessed good nights. The sky is starry, the moon is out, there is a cool breeze going in and out and dancing across the room pirouetting their way out the window in the living room where I sit in front of my laptop at the table, sipping my sweet lemon tea, warmth from freshly boiled water creeping through my body. I thought about changing out of the tank top into something comfier, but I figured the soft pastel of blue and white matches my emotions for now so I leave it be.  I couldn't find my soft pink kitty paws sweater anyway. It's been an ass-numbing day, despite waking up well-rested and having breakfast with good coffee with Jack on the phone -with the townhall meeting made obligatory for final year students. Granted, it lit up some educational lightbulbs with good Q&As but it was the notion that mattered. My ass was numb. This week has been hot because of the haze, global warming, and the slow easy puttering sound of our earth wheez...

It's a sad day. I miss them. Mom and dad and sis and nephew and baby bro and baby sis and Amelia and Irene. I miss him. It doesn't make sense, since we are not apart by heart, only in physical context, yet still it's there. Yeah I know I'm whining. Doesn't change the fact that I miss them though. And him. I've drawn, and written. A little afraid to sleep in case I hate to wake. It's cold with no warmth in sight. Work is tedious. Work is stressful. Work is, for once, nothing enjoyable. I don't want to be afraid. So I won't. But still I'll say it, how much I miss them. I hope the coming bookcamp will be fun. The people and strangers might be overwhelming, but at least they bring books with them. And with that, there should be enough excitement of talks of books. I don't want to curl in my blanket and sleep. I'll forget about the rest of the world, and right now, I can't do that. Even as I hate work right now, and there...

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part.  I do have things to write about. It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them.  Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are. It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just...

Midterm is starting. I'm still at college and my bus ticket is tonight so I'm taking it easy after this week's rush. Roomie is already packing up as I type in these words, empty tupperware smelling of instant noodle beside me and a half-empty mug of coffee slowly turning lukewarm on the other side. Since midterm's only a week, I'm not bringing home anything much other than clothes and books. Maybe the smaller luggage so I could leave it at home to make packing at the end of finals easier. It's been a little after 2 months since I've gone home. I miss my family. Thunder is just roaring outside as I glance out the window every so often. Our view overlooks the cafe and the 5th block with a fair share of the trees surrounding at the back of aforementioned block. I think there's a picture of it in my IG somewhere... [ This one. ] It's 3 p.m but the cloud's not letting up. It's gonna be raining soon. This predicament is strangely ...

Doing assignments and working on papers has been really hard recently.  I don't think it's the level of the work, just that it felt like something was missing whenever I have them laid out on the desk. It felt like nothing was coming out of my brain and I had to scoop out the words one by one. It felt like labor work.    -___-||| And yesterday it finally hit me. Music.  All this time, I've been trying to do my papers in silence and not like I'm used to doing them, with a mug of coffee and earphones plugged in. I didn't even realize how long I've been struggling without them lol xD As the result of not being able to do my work properly, it left me feeling all kinds of worthless and stupid and useless. Not a good feeling, I guarantee you. More often than not, I had to take a break and take a walk outside my room, if just to clear my head. It kinda has been digging me up for a while, this issue. But last night, I was able to get into my working headspace...

Yo. So, work is steadily piling up. That's good, I suppose. Better than having my head float on nothing, although, I do admit having problems in one of the classes. Then again, if you have more than 6, you're bound to be bad in at least one of them, so I'm not really miffed about it too much. A little irritated, maybe, just because of the inconvenience. I haven't called home since I registered for the semester, and that's, what, 2 weeks ago? I'm not exactly stalling or avoiding the act, any more than I'd simply forgotten and when I tried, it was too late in the night and they're most likely sleeping. Classes end much later this semester than the last, so there's that also. Messages from Amelia and Irene have been sparse lately but I figured they have much more things on their hand than I do on a daily basis. I do hope they try to get regular breaks and take care of their mental and physical health once in a while. It'd be unfair if I'...

Just got into my new room for the new semester. Thankfully, roomie waited for me so that we could register as roommates together.  I made her wait so long though, kinda feels sorry for that. While it was nice to spend a night at Sis's and see her again, gotta remember to come earlier next sem. The whole journey from the moment we reached the opening gate of PALAM to the college grounds were packed as all hell. My legs are jelly from all the standing from lining-up.  I've got my courses registered and my academic fees paid. I've got my luggage settled in my room, courtesy of big bro, so I should be A-OK till next class tomorrow morning. The schedule's out but we all know it's just temporary until better ones are made. It's just gonna be a week anyway, and I've already got my ticket home for EidulAdha. Sis called when I was unpacking but there was static and I couldn't hear her at all. She wasn't well throughout the 2 hours travel and I insiste...

Right. I meant to update soon as I got home but.....yeah. I procrastinated. It's our long-planned holiday together since we got into degree programme and though it felt like it ended before it started, meeting them face to face again was worth it. Worth it. So fucking worth it. Persuading Mom to let me go was a bit of a doozy. Thank God Dad didn't have an issue with it. I kinda don't get it though, because I've been to places on my own before and she didn't have any objections but when I wanted to skip states to see my bestfriends, she suddenly backtracked? If it was a sense of danger, then wouldn't me skipping places on my own be more dangerous than me diddling over to see people who cares about my safety more than myself? Anyhoo, Dad managed to give me the go. The bus in TM is shit. My ticket was at 9 a.m which they tell me the earliest but after waiting from 8.30 to goddamn 11, I was spitting F-bombs like it was free candy. When I asked, they casuall...

Creepy title, I know, but I once said that my titles just come as they pop into my head and I don't really give a thought about how they sound nor do I really care so...suck it. hahahahahaha  First things first, what the hell - or WHO the hell, is Cry? Mainly known as Cryaotic. Here, a brief summary. That's enough for you to know, in this case. If you wanna know more, just go check out his channel at Youtube or something. I'm just here to write. Tbh, I hadn't known Cry for very long. I didn't start getting interested in him until a year ago eventhough, ironically, his voice got me asleep through the rough spots during Foundation year. Before you get any weird ideas about that sentence, Cry makes a vid of reading stories segment in his channel okay.  I'm not a frickin yandere stalker, you can calm tf down now. 'Sup, Cry. Don't mind the post, just reminiscing back to when I first found ya. Back then, I didn't even know who he was th...

This one is a happy one. I know there're more sad, angry, and angst posts in here more than I like to admit, but there are the occasional fun ones, laughing ones, good ones, and overall happy ones. Those of which I normally include or dedicate to a person I love, and we all know how jealously and paranoidly I guard them, don't we? Well, this one has a specific name on the title of the post, so in case you suddenly developed temporary amnesia, this one is dedicated to Irene. It's purely coincidental that I feel the need to write this soon after a post to Amelia, FYI. Okay? Okay. So, Irene.  It's no secret that she and I first met in second term during Foundation, via Mya. They live close together, enough that should they decide to meet up, they can. Unlike me who lives a couple of states away. It's funny to think that both of my bestfriends are Kedahan though, considering I have a really bad image of Kedahan people ever since one broke my sis's heart...

I had a nice, if slightly solemn, evening.  Personally, it's not that I don't touch on the worldwide issues for ignorant reasons, I am aware of them as far as social media deems it to be, and I have my opinions of them, but I am not quite willing to cite any arguments regarding them because a lot of people know that stupid people talks a lot of shit. And arguments are one way of inviting stupid to crash the party, eventhough you're having a completely intelligent and harmonious conversation with people of your own intellect. Huge things like phobias and murder and impending genocide , I mean. Let's take one that affects us, say, Islamophobia. That's trending right now, right? Well, it's actually been trending for a long time, it's just that evil people likes to freshen it up once it dies down like old gossips. Now, I say "evil" because everybody has that one side of them that's a 'bit not good' . The proverbial yellow and b...

  Soooo good thing about my period this month is it's free cramps this time around. Bad thing is, the urge to hibernate and lack of appetite. And I'm sitting for my finals right now and those definitely are inappropriate as of the moment. Since it's Ramadhan, it's easy to pass off the lack of eating during the day but not so much after iftar. Roomie is used to this habit by now, knowing my hibernating urge during period is like fighting off waves on a stormy season and you're skinny dipping. I'm happy for the lack of insane pain of hot poker scrambling my womb like cheese mozzarella that is called cramps though and given any other time, I'd gladly take malnutrition and hibernation in a stride against cramping. Sleep is much better than unwarranted pain anyway, less folding myself like origami and more blissful dreams. But it makes time flies and I need to study for the papers, so once again I'm eternally grateful for roomie making sure my abnormal s...

First term is nearing its end, second term awaits in Sept. Finals is in 3 days and lasts for 8 days, including the gap between the papers. I know, it's hella short but hey, considering we only have 5 papers to sit, it makes sense. Besides, the quicker we end it the better. First paper is Literature, this Thursday morning. Why is it my fav subject that always goes first? In high school, it was English. Now, Literature. It's like they're saving the worst for the last. (I suppose that's exactly what they had in mind, all things considered.) Mom finally asked me what the shit has crawled up my ass and died in according to my surly attitude back during Gawai break. I told her I was just butthurt that they didn't have enough trust in me to keep my priorities regarding Sis and they treated me like I was a stupid teen instead of a mature young adult who knows my way around life. Well no, I don't exactly know my way around life, seeing that I'm an ex-cutter ...

Ayyyy y'alls. See that title? Pretty self-explanatory, I'd say. *snort* Heck, y'all woulda agree with me, amirite or amirite.  'Course, best thing to be home is seeing your fam's faces (though I just literally saw them not a week ago, yet admittedly in less than favourable conditions) but next best thing bein' home is *cue drum roll* THE PRESENCE OF FOOD ANYWHERE, ANYTIME xDD That is, feels like the whole drama shitstorm is gone and everything's back to normal now. Well, maybe after my room is returned to its original state because I shit you not, it's stuffy as balls in here with the decorations still up and about. But hey, ain't like I'm staying home for long. In a blink, a week will just fly by, right? And yes, it's officially MY room now. Mine and mine alone. Awhoop whoop! xPP I suppose baby bro can bunk in when I'm not home, but Imma stamp MINE on the door soon as I get the chance. Hahahahahaha no joke *flawless murder ...

Recently, I keep wanting to run. Is that an age thing where people my age keeps thinking about? No idea. It's not about work stress, I know that much, because it's not work or college I want to run from. Today is my last day at college and I'm packing up to go 'home' for Gawai break for a week before finals. Maybe 'home' is where I'm running from. Emotional stress is straining. Perhaps I would've dealt better with it if I wasn't such a fucked up person with a fucked up personality but hey, beggars can't be choosers. Being a cutter, or at least, an ex-cutter in a rehab process I guess to put it better, has been my go-to stress relief for nearly 4 years. Of course, Amelia put a stop to that. I didn't cut as much in high school as I did in college, back then. It made me wonder, what was it that calmed me down from the temptation of my blades when the effects of PTSD at the time were at its highest? Then I realized, the one thing I didn...

I went to the library today after so long having denied entrance for the 10th fucking time. Apparently, you have to register your card to get in but the counter is inside and we had to puzzle over the fucking cycle for quite a while till the barrier was a little screwed yesterday and we got registered. Goddamn how hard it is to enter a fucking library, jeez. I needed to get some materials for my edu history paper (deadline on early June and I need to get that shit outta way cuz it's heavy loaded) only to find that while the library is fucking humongous, it ain't got any section for Education faculty. Like, wtf. God, I miss IN-TEC library. That place is heaven on earth. This campus opened in Feb and now it's May and none of the books have made it here yet.  Wtf have these ppl been doing good lordy loo. *sigh* Guess I'll just have to stick to online journals then. They're not as reliable as paper-books but they'll do, I suppose. The thing with us TESL-...