AkImA No NiKkI

So, it's been a week or so since 4th semester started and already I wish for it to end. For several reasons, including how I wish I didn't cave into the guilt trip and registered in Group B instead because this is a fucking mess right off the bat with these girls, I swear. The sigh of an everlasting annoyance is not unfamiliar by now. The fondness these days has made way for exasperation and irritation mostly. Also, the I-Learn site which we use to regularly update our information for assignment tasks and guidelines and lecture slides was recently "updated" and is still in configuration which means a fucking pain in the butthole. Lecturers expect us to have these things by the next class and I can't even access the fucking shit and this grates on my patience  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT THIS POINT SO HELP ME GOD. On top of that, there aren't any interesting or good subjects to look forward to this semester and the schedule is nothing short of torture be...

I just arrived at college this morning straight from Banting, Selangor from a classmate's house after staying there for 2 days and 2 nights, filming scenes for our Lit&Media movie project. It was fun and tiring and memorable all at once and I love that I'll be able to have these memories. But as soon as I got back to my room, a depressive mood sets in. Roomie left to her brother's house in KL because we have Monday off. To be honest, it was probably something unwittingly mentioned by me during our stay in Banting. I didn't even know why it came out of my mouth, it just..did. And it was too late to take it back by the time they acknowledged it and, well, I held off the gloomy funk until the filming is over. Sometimes, little tidbits of things before The Incident came through without me realizing it, things that I didn't even remember had happened until after I said it. A pair of thick arms caging me in on top of me. Whispers of words. Fleeting snake-like t...

Right, so I had a minor episode yesterday during marching practice because apparently, I'd been resorting to my old habit of looking down towards God's green earth (or in this case, black road tar) instead of straight forward and when that is done in a period of time in those certain conditions, you are susceptible to fainting spells. Thus here we are. Thankfully, it was just a fainting spell and not a full-blown panic attack. I don't know if I could survive another wave of humiliation since the last one when I was 13. No need to call the nursery, folks! Ahaha. The fainting spells, I don't particularly mind. I'm used to them (that time when I broke my glasses's lense, and that time I bruised my back falling on my ass, and that time I was saved from faceplanting on a rock, etc etc etc) though I admit it's been a while since I had them.  The dry-heaving afterwards, on the other hand, is new. I suppose you could chalk it up to nausea from ...

It's the start of my 3rd semester in PALAM. I'm taking third language as elective this sem and my choices are either Japanese or German. I originally intended for French because baby brother have it for a subject in highschool and I thought maybe if I learn it too, we could practice together. It sounds fun. But then, the beginner tutorials doesn't look as easy as it sounds so I chickened out. Maybe I'll just have him teach me, haha. It's the middle of the first week and we've already gone through some of the introductory sessions for the classes. I'm so glad that we have our Lit lecturer from our first semester for our Lit for Children and Y/A class. I really admire her. I enjoy her classes and her assignments are always fun and challenging. Sort of reminds me of Madam Adzurae a little bit. Hehe Plus, we have two Literature class this sem! Wowie! xDD The lecturer for Lit & Media is fun too and his tasks are as easygoing as they are stimulating....

I'm stumped. This report is killing me FFS  💀😭😭 It's 3 days later since Field Experience is over and I know I said something about starting work immediately because procrastinating will bite me in the ass later but looking at the guideline make my head just go BLANK. 😭 The Administration book I copied seemed almost useless right now, I swear. 💧 It probably won't once I start to get into my work zone but then again, there's like nil motivation to even open the file and the more I worry about procrastinating the more I actually DO procrastinate in real life, wtf me. 😑💧 I needlessly worry when I look at the dates as February gets closer to the end and thinks about the deadline while I do nothing about it. Uggghhhhh.. *eternal facepalm*

It's February and we're safely well past the flood season. Temperature's hot in the afternoon but it settles very nicely with a breeze and shades as the evening creeps in. It's been a week since I started class observation at SMK TM (1) a.k.a my old highschool meaning there's another week to go before it ends. Thankfully, the process on the first day went smoothly for me. I did have to wait a couple of hours in the morning because there was a Going Back To School ceremony in the halls and the principal had to entertain guests before he comes into the office but soon as I showed him the letter and explained everything, there was little to no problem with the rest. I was referred to the PKP (Right Administration Secretary) right away to settle my schedule and my teacher trainer.  I went around introducing myself, or, re-introducing myself, in any case, to the teachers. Most of them remembers me as a familiar face and I feel honored. I remember them too, well, ...

With Finals one week apart, this term is edging on to its end. Half of the students are going back home even when it's only 4-5 days of break, not accounting the nearly a day's worth trip for the far away people such as myself. With the ticket in my hand, the choice was made for me anyways. Speaking of choices.... I noticed these talks of matchmaking me with a human supposedly "worthy" of my personality (screw that, more like, my time) which most of them comes from one annoying classmate who's too loud and too annoying for her own good. As if there is nothing else to talk about. *scoff* I try to avoid being in her vicinity for the sake of my personal space but generally, fate hates me thus some of my group works includes her. Which means outside class meet-ups for group discussions. Which means talking. Which means annoying. only with her, though . Recently, a couple of nights ago, she opens up the topic of past lovers. (God, why) She asked me of Tho...

Next two days begins the final week for submitting papers, assignments, and presentations. After that it's study week for 5-6 days and then Finals. This week has been rushing enough lol I called Mom and Dad to see if I should go home for study week but I'm still kind of on the nose about it. I doubt there'd be much studying going on at home, but I'm hesitating to spend that much days at college for no reason. Roomie has already decided she's going back home so if I decide the latter, I'd be alone for nearly a week. Might get a little stir-crazy, even for me. Maybe I could spend them at a nearby friend's place? Nah. Too much trouble on both sides. Reminded that school was over for teachers, I've been calling home more frequently than before because I know that all of them would be at home anyways. I love that it gets rowdy when my call was in good timing like when they're all in the kitchen together or something. It brings a familiar feeling....

"We never defeat our demons, Mordo. We learn to live above them." - Supreme Sorcerer in Doc.Strange. It's funny, what she said. Because it's true, innit? You never truly destroy what has the potential to destroy you because it is also a part of what you are. So you find recesses to live above them, and it's a continual effort until the rest of your life. I've had an exhausting week. Assignments being typed and printed, discussions being scheduled and worked out, tests being discussed and examined, presentations being rolled out and moving, etc etc etc. We're nearing mid-term break the week after and not long until final exam for this term to end. Rush, rush, rush. Yesterday was fun. I experienced using a Black Room simulation and Rope Rescue during the FireFighter trip to FRAM (Fire Rescue Academy) in Kuala Kubu Bharu and everything was exciting and educational. I genuinely enjoyed myself despite missing a day's class. Though the backlash sho...

Doing assignments and working on papers has been really hard recently.  I don't think it's the level of the work, just that it felt like something was missing whenever I have them laid out on the desk. It felt like nothing was coming out of my brain and I had to scoop out the words one by one. It felt like labor work.    -___-||| And yesterday it finally hit me. Music.  All this time, I've been trying to do my papers in silence and not like I'm used to doing them, with a mug of coffee and earphones plugged in. I didn't even realize how long I've been struggling without them lol xD As the result of not being able to do my work properly, it left me feeling all kinds of worthless and stupid and useless. Not a good feeling, I guarantee you. More often than not, I had to take a break and take a walk outside my room, if just to clear my head. It kinda has been digging me up for a while, this issue. But last night, I was able to get into my working headspace...

My fever is gone now and I feel alright again. I still have to finish the rest of the pills else the trip we made to the PK (Health Center) and me getting my blood taken for a blood test would be for nothing. No headaches, no occasional ringing in the ear, and no runny nose. My temperature is back to normal so I could take the ol regular cold shower again. Funny story, when the doctor was sticking a needle on the inside of my arm, a classmate (who had given me a ride to the PK in the first place) was accompanying me. I looked away when the doc was brandishing the needle (I'm not squeamish of needles nor blood but I didn't wanna watch how it's gonna look like piercing my skin in case it triggers something) and the classmate sort of held out her open palm to me and I grabbed it instinctually.  When I felt the needle up in my arm, I felt choked laughter bubbling inside my chest. Weird, I know. I tried to hold it in but the doc was taking a while with my blood and I just...

*sniff* ey, y'alls. So, breaking news. I'm sick. Again. I keep getting sick a lot this year. -_-||| It's just a small fever so there's no fuss about it, though. Yet I do have a few things to reiterate regarding the issue. Last Friday, I had a major relapse. It went on until yesterday (Sunday) and as much as I didn't want to think about the possibility that it may have been the reason for my sudden fever, they seem to collide on the same time area and I can't help being suspicious. The last time this happened was 2 years ago in Shah Alam, when I was still with Amelia and Irene. To compare it to this one was dismissable to say the least. Back then, I was at my worst. I hate the nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks, meltdowns, everything I was having for months before and when opportunity arose, I wanted to pass out from it all. Even if I knew I was sick and feverish, I didn't give a damn about it. I did all my work early just so that I could pro...

Yo~ So, getting to the point, my thighs hurt af. Funny that it's only my thighs -or rather, my hamstring muscles- but not my legs, but considering what I did last week, it's not that hard to draw a conclusion. Namely, going down the Stairs of Doom twice in the span of 3 days within a week. Sounds impossible? Ask my burning thigh muscles every time I move to sit or stand or squat. It's hell. I had cluelessly underestimated the power of the Stairs of Doom and didn't think twice before subjecting my lower limbs to its torture. Curiosity does indeed kills the cat. It's painful. Sore, pulled muscles are the worst. I thought they were just cramps so if I sleep 'em off for a couple of hours, they'd simmer down and eventually go away. Alas, it's been 3 days since and I've been reduced to walking like penguins. Waddling, more like. The longer I wait, the more it hurts. Ugh. Roomie said I should take a couple of painkillers and e...

This few days has been....interesting, to say at least. It's 2 days after EidulAdha which, might I say, could be on the not-so-enjoyable holidays list I created after the big flood incident 2 years ago. It's not the holidays, it's the events that inadvertently happened on it. The healing scratches on my right wrist aren't so bad. I'm used to them by now, being familiar with wounds from cats and such. It's my own fault anyway, the cat at gramma's house has never been too friendly with people. (shrugs) NOT my hand. This is a random picture from Google search. I'm too lazy to put up the wounds on my own wrist. Or hand. Or whatever it is kids call it these days. Then the abrupt strong storm that passed through 2 nights ago and another passed again last night, though thankfully wasn't as strong. It wrecked a little bit of the part of our roof so we had to deal with some leaks from the ceiling in the living room, my room, and Nana's room. Dad h...

Just got into my new room for the new semester. Thankfully, roomie waited for me so that we could register as roommates together.  I made her wait so long though, kinda feels sorry for that. While it was nice to spend a night at Sis's and see her again, gotta remember to come earlier next sem. The whole journey from the moment we reached the opening gate of PALAM to the college grounds were packed as all hell. My legs are jelly from all the standing from lining-up.  I've got my courses registered and my academic fees paid. I've got my luggage settled in my room, courtesy of big bro, so I should be A-OK till next class tomorrow morning. The schedule's out but we all know it's just temporary until better ones are made. It's just gonna be a week anyway, and I've already got my ticket home for EidulAdha. Sis called when I was unpacking but there was static and I couldn't hear her at all. She wasn't well throughout the 2 hours travel and I insiste...

Creepy title, I know, but I once said that my titles just come as they pop into my head and I don't really give a thought about how they sound nor do I really care so...suck it. hahahahahaha  First things first, what the hell - or WHO the hell, is Cry? Mainly known as Cryaotic. Here, a brief summary. That's enough for you to know, in this case. If you wanna know more, just go check out his channel at Youtube or something. I'm just here to write. Tbh, I hadn't known Cry for very long. I didn't start getting interested in him until a year ago eventhough, ironically, his voice got me asleep through the rough spots during Foundation year. Before you get any weird ideas about that sentence, Cry makes a vid of reading stories segment in his channel okay.  I'm not a frickin yandere stalker, you can calm tf down now. 'Sup, Cry. Don't mind the post, just reminiscing back to when I first found ya. Back then, I didn't even know who he was th...