AkImA No NiKkI

Every year, I go to visit Amelia and Irene in Kedah and we have a sleepover. This tradition began when Foundation ended and we began our degree, because we didn't want our connection to end with Foundation. It has been going on for four years now, from the year I started my degree till the end.  A picture taken as we wait for our order in a Korean cafe during lunch hour (it was amazing how Mya and Irene manage to find places nary of people and we could eat and spend our time together in peace because God knows how stressful it would've been if the place was crowded with people and noisy as fuck)   Every year, it doesn't seem we change all that much, in terms of appearance. I still look as dumb and mediocre next to the two of them like I do in Foundation and they still accept my gremlin-looking ass next to them (hahaha). Generally, we don't keep in touch with each other all that much, other than sporadic events here and there. We're more of those kind of fri...

There are times when I feel grief over losing Beloved. I know it's just empty grief. A feeling of loss over the idealized version of them. Feelings of betrayal over what had happened that ended with waves of emptiness. When I have no words to portray these, knowing some people would take it as "I'm not yet moving on" or "It's been forever, get over it" or "this is a new level of pathetic", I keep the grief to myself. Coming from strangers wouldn't have done anything, but I don't know what I would've done had it came from someone I trusted to be there for me -someone I thought who would hold me. Because it's not like that.  I have  moved on. I don't stay up nights wishing with all the hope in my heart they would come back to me. I don't cry myself for hours in showers, reminiscing all that I should've done and could've done. I can say their name and remember their face with a smile on my lips, knowing they ...

I've had this draft in the safe for a while. I have a tendency to open a blank page, intending to write, but whited out after putting down the title. Whether I lost interest in writing it, or decided I shouldn't, and later changed my mind, who knows.  There is 2 weeks left until I  start my final semester of degree. Honestly, I don't know how I got here (do you have 90 minutes?) and admittedly, I've had close encounters because let's face it, my failed 4th (?5th?) suicide attempt is still fairly recent. Speaking of recent, I feel better. I've unloaded some burdens, some baggage, so at the least part, I could think in rational terms which is a lot healthier for my well-being. Apparently that showed in my appetite. People around me have been asking me why I've gotten "chubby", and for a while, that bugged me, because it resulted in poking at my self-esteem in a way I have never thought about before. I began to look at myself differently...

Cohabitation with other people who aren't your family is strange. I mean, naturally, right? That much is obvious. But I don't know how to describe it. It's not like it's giving me problems, or discomfort. Rather, each of us are just living at our own pace while sharing a place. Knowing the bare minimum about each other, and communicating when purely necessary. Occasionally, we get irked by each other's habits, though showing no verbal distaste of it for the sake of keeping the peace, we get by. Even using "we" somehow feels like a unnatural context, because we are strangers sharing a space. It made me think how awesome it'd be to have my own place, living alone. I usually don't cook, but when I was living on campus, it was a violation. Somehow living here still feels like I'm on campus, without the HEP bullshit. I still don't cook, two of my other housemates do (probably because they're the ones who lived here first and are u...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

So, a special post for the beloved's 26th birthday! Since I just got home yesterday morning, we'll be doing something together just for the sake of old times because lord knows we haven't had nearly enough time with each other sine the semester started. Looking forward to it! ^^ These past few months have been way too stressful for the both of us, with schedules and events lining up after another. We keep our conversations where we can, for me, that would be gaps between classes and such. If we could even have a 5 minute call, that was good enough with the restrictions we have.  Considering my classes end way too late after his worktime and his workdays don't line up with my weekends, it was straining to say the least. I missed him way too much. Clingy, yeah, I know, I'm aware. But now that semester's over and my 2 months holidays begin, we can rectify the time we lost! So fucking many movies I have on the list for us to binge XD Heck we might go and fin...

Second day of starting semester 5 and I already feel like kissing an oncoming train. Credits to Bo for that reference.  I left my mug at Sis's place and the cafes don't sell any mugs so I can't make any coffee in my room. Leaves me with pretty much bare mentality to brace the class and schedules and stupid lecturer rules that don't make fucking sense. I haven't taken my meds since end of January cause I ran out and I need to make an appointment again soon to replenish my stocks because I know I'm gonna fucking need them to survive this semester. I barely survived second day, for fuck's sake. I've forgotten how loud the class is and how intense the headache they emanate.  Plus, some lecturers we get this semester are particularly obnoxious in the way that we have to dress exactly like they want even going as far as nitpicking on types of shoes and nametags. Also, how the classes are put together in the schedule is fucking ridiculous. Why in...

Hey. It's been a while. By a while, I mean several months. Not even a New Year post, right? I spent New Year with beloved, so.. I count it as a good start off.  I don't know if one day, I'll still be writing in this. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know who reads this anyway, other than my circle, but that's never been a factor to this blog.  I started this blog when I was..13? Right around the time before I went to SMK Ismail Petra, and my cousin suggested it to me because it seemed like a good idea, and I took a liking to it. It helps. Whether or not I knew it, a lot of the time, this blog helps pouring my heart out. I don't need to expect responses, I don't need to curve to anyone's expectations, and I don't need to abide by social "rules".  I'd just wanted to write my heart out. Years pass, and between events and roller-coasters in my life, this blog still goes on. Sure, it's missing HUGE chunks of time and pieces, but it has al...

I wish you'd leave that place Did you forget how good it feels to stay Unpack the bags I made You'll forget about your days away Count down, come down, come lay beside me You can calm down, sit down, you know I'm yours You're not alone You're just too far for me to hold Nothing can hold you down You think it's made you better All that you see is blue and green Would you rather be blind or free? You think you've found your comfort But we just need more color I wish you'd change your mind The more you go, the less I feel the time You look so small tonight How'd you get away so many miles Count down, come down, come lay beside me You can calm down, sit down, you know I'm yours You're not alone You're just too far for me to hold Nothing can hold you down You think it's made you better All that you see is blue and green Would you rather be blind or free? You think you've found your comfort But we just need more color But...

It's a complicated day. But first I would like to deeply and genuinely apologize to my A&E groupmates for being unable to attend the school visit. I am truthfully sorry. I will take up the leftover report and happily and willingly do what I can to pull up my weight.  I know I have been nothing short of a burden this semester, and this is not self-hatred, this is the absolute factual truth.  So please, give me my share of work and more. I will redeem myself as honestly as I could. The Monday incident impacted our schedules and I deeply apologize. I will ensure such the likes of that will never happen again in the line of work. I prided myself to having separate personal lives and work lives and yet this has been a gross encroachment to that statement and I will do whatever it takes to reclaim it to its original state. Again, I deeply apologize. That being said, my responsibility as a student and a groupmate will be prioritized. On another note...

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part.  I do have things to write about. It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them.  Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are. It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just...

Greetings. It's been a while, haha. I'm at home, lounging my ass off until 10th of September which is when the next semester starts, namely, my 4th.  I've decided to stay in the same group again, mainly because a friend guilt-tripped me into it lol. As long as we keep the assholery of work to a minimum. I like the girls, really. I just like them outside of work when we're not working together. That's really inevitable,  next to impossible, yes I am aware. I am also aware that the girls can be made to understand this. Regardless, as the holidays span, I have exciting plans await! xD Not gonna jinx it yet but Amelia, Irene, and I have plans around late August. Hopefully it'll come to fruition smoothly! I miss them both so dearly. I hear rumors that PALAM will have a KTM line to KL Central in the future. Let's hope that's neither false or too far off because if that's true, my weekends would likely be spent in KL half the time. hahaha Recen...