AkImA No NiKkI

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part.  I do have things to write about. It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them.  Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are. It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just...

Finally, some freakin' break! Or well, I couldn't really call it a break, more like, a necessary halt. Funny how seeing the same doctor twice can make them see right through your bluff. Or maybe having a panic attack causing your body to cramp in the sick bays work too. Newsflash : I'm being medically referred to a legal psychiatrist in Sgai Buloh Hospital tomorrow morning by UK (unit kesihatan) as per the doctor who diagnosed me insisted. It started off with just your regular run-off-the-mill panic attacks, really. It's not like they're out of the ordinary in my routine. But I guess at this age, they start to take a toll on your body (it sounds like I'm middle-aged or something..) and my body cramps really fucking bad throughout two nights leaving me with less than half an hour sleep and shit-ton of work and presentation to do. ( no, I'm not on my period .) Last I slept was the half an hour on Tuesday afternoon. After Friday morning's class, ...

It's the start of my 3rd semester in PALAM. I'm taking third language as elective this sem and my choices are either Japanese or German. I originally intended for French because baby brother have it for a subject in highschool and I thought maybe if I learn it too, we could practice together. It sounds fun. But then, the beginner tutorials doesn't look as easy as it sounds so I chickened out. Maybe I'll just have him teach me, haha. It's the middle of the first week and we've already gone through some of the introductory sessions for the classes. I'm so glad that we have our Lit lecturer from our first semester for our Lit for Children and Y/A class. I really admire her. I enjoy her classes and her assignments are always fun and challenging. Sort of reminds me of Madam Adzurae a little bit. Hehe Plus, we have two Literature class this sem! Wowie! xDD The lecturer for Lit & Media is fun too and his tasks are as easygoing as they are stimulating....

I finished the Field Experience course at exactly yesterday, 16th of Feb 2017, 2.00 p.m. The last day of being a ROS teacher at my old highschool was spent just me walking around the school looking for my ex teachers to properly say goodbye and give my thanks. Of course it wasn't only for my ex teachers but I did sort of went out of my way to visit their office rooms and one time, I had to interrupt a class so that I wouldn't miss them. I'm pretty sure I missed some of the teachers though, because they were busy with classes and grading notebooks for monthly check-ups but, well, I tried my best, so. Pardon my gross incompetence. *bows* Now, looks like it's work time for me. I still have to write a shit ton of things like the ROS report, the 10 page paper, and preparing the slides for group presentation. Although admittedly, there's no progress on the last bit since I've yet to ask anyone for group members. Geh. 😑😒💧💧 Well, work is work. Though it...

Next two days begins the final week for submitting papers, assignments, and presentations. After that it's study week for 5-6 days and then Finals. This week has been rushing enough lol I called Mom and Dad to see if I should go home for study week but I'm still kind of on the nose about it. I doubt there'd be much studying going on at home, but I'm hesitating to spend that much days at college for no reason. Roomie has already decided she's going back home so if I decide the latter, I'd be alone for nearly a week. Might get a little stir-crazy, even for me. Maybe I could spend them at a nearby friend's place? Nah. Too much trouble on both sides. Reminded that school was over for teachers, I've been calling home more frequently than before because I know that all of them would be at home anyways. I love that it gets rowdy when my call was in good timing like when they're all in the kitchen together or something. It brings a familiar feeling....

Yello. I miss Amelia and Irene terribly today. I do miss them in proportion each day but today feels like a big one. Being among people again, among "society" again, tends to have the most flinch-worthy reactions out of me. Such as keeping my poker face cool regardless of how distasteful I find a person's choice of words may be. Tact is a value in the polite world. *roll eyes* I'm gonna have to re-learn the basics to tune out the inane and annoying mindless chatters that the people around me here seems to have a habit speaking. I find it as incredibly annoying as they find my cursing habits, acting as if every little "fuck" I say is a dishonor on somebody's cow. And to think I won't have to deal with that shit in Uni life. *sigh* Also, I am not fucking shy .  I am reserved . The kind of shit that falls out of my mouth is one you might need above 18 ears on and I'm perceptive so watch your choice of words because sometimes people do...

Hello. Sis has been gone for a week now, and the absence in the room is getting noticeable. I considered changing my morning routine, just to feel less like a sloth and a functional human being. I went to sleep by midnight last night, and woke up 5 a.m this morning. I'd say it's a success experiment. I'd feel better when Oshie sleeps in the room with me, so long as I remember to let him out in the morning after dawn. But after that, it feels....empty. I missed the days when I'd slug out my blanket and coffee mug to Amelia's room and stay over for the weekend. I missed the days when I'd wake up to the soft breeze ruffling my short floppy hair and opening my eyes to see my bestfriends' drooling faces. I miss my bestfriends, period. The mornings when we'd take our turns to the bathroom and sprawl all over the floor with our blankets, talking idly about our plans for the day in our pajamas. I even missed their teasing of my overly mussed bed hai...

Hello everyone. Long time no update. In which now is the perfect time to announce that I am officially a goddamn trash. WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THE NEW YEAR OF 2016 MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ohfuck ineedhelp As per the title, my new year resolution is to STOP FINDING NEW FANDOMS AND SHIPS TO CRY ABOUT because at this point I'm gonna die drowning in my own tears. No joke. I think I dodged the phandom 's imminent seduction pretty well but then I totally missed Undertale . AND IT'S NOT EVEN A TV SHOW IT'S A GODDAMN FRICKIN GAME WHAT IS MY LIFE EVEN *cries into trash* Frisk and Toriel discovering Flowey I thought I've been seeing some weird fanarts on instagram and I got curious. What's this all about? Then I stumbled (okay LIES I SEARCHED for the gameplay on youtube, particularly markiplier or jacksepticeye 'cause they're my favorites) on it and wham-bam hello I'm Undertale trash nice to meet you please end me before I do anything more stu...

Yes, it's an issue. I legitimately have anger issues.  Can I help it that I can easily get angry like one particular Bruce Banner? Of course.  Why do you think I close my eyes trying to refrain myself from spewing colorful profanities towards the object of my anger or worse yet, trying to break someone's nose? I don't remember having so much anger as a child. Mostly I was quiet and do my own thing. But I do remember how anger was -IS- the easiest emotion I could pull up if it was ever needed. And boy I did need a lot. For some reason, people actually wanted me to lift up a leg and break their bones. Maybe because I never showed much emotion. They poke me, and that's what warranted their death certificate. It's not my fault the boys were too stupid to know they can never win a fight with me having height and strength advantage and the girls (bitchy ones) were too dumb to admit they cried soon as I opened my mouth in primary school.   Having to d...

It's the end of Ramadhan, and opening to Syawal. And Eidul Fitr is 2 days to come. Thankfully, this year's celebration is less fussy than the years before. We have Grandma with us at our home so we don't have to travel back to the village and Dad's side of the family should be gathering on the second day of Eid so we have the first day to ourselves. Our own private Eid celebration with our family. ^^ Mom had given up on dragging me through stores to find some dresses, thank God for that, and conceded my point of only rummaging through countless clothes in the cupboard. Of course, she had to put restrictions. Else we all know I'm gonna end up wearing jeans and shirt on Eid and won't that be tragic for them. (o^o) Onee-san and baby bro are home for a week for Eid. And my friends, Fabio, Kei, Kyo, and some of the others would be back in town too. I hope we'd have time to hang out some time. I can't wait to see them. xD We hadn't keep in touc...

(Caution : Misleading titles) But then you're already reading the post so, too late! ha. No, my heart is not broken. Well, figuratively.  SPN season 10 is all the rage with SPN fans these days, considering the heartbreaking development revealed. Then again, isn't it always with SPN? *chuckle* I just read Onee-san's latest post about the breaking (title pun. badumm-tss ) national news regarding the Myanmar Rohingya refugees and what a *beep* Malaysia is with their lack of helping actions. I know, it's rare that I censor my cursing but I'm pretty sure I can't say the word or else I'll get banned for treason. LOL Haters be like, "ya don't like it get outta this country bitch" and I'll be like, "yeah cuz shoving away dying people in need is REALLY cool and fucking-a awesome right fucktard". I've had a lot of time cramping in the house for almost 2 months and I haven't read a good book in weeks and I have a lot of pen...

Okay, first things first. FANGIRLS ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!!! xDDD I am SO back on Destiel ship. Woot woot! xDD Got back on those crack vids. Still managed to crack me up as hell (no pun intended) no matter how many times I've seen the same scenes. Because, nobody can really argue the awesomeness that are Misha, Jensen, Jared, and my new favorite, Mark Sheppard a.k.a Crowley. I've always liked his sarcasm, aaaaannddd, he's BRITISH! How is that NOT lovable. The BROTP he has going on with Dean is also welcomed. Teeheee x33 Alright. FANGIRLS DISMISS!! Next, I just had a supportive and heart-warming conversation regarding the awful two consecutive nights spent beside the toilet bowl from a member of the support club I am currently in. It makes me happy to know that so far, my decision to take this step hadn't blown in my face. And please life, do not take that and slam it in my face, I beg of you. It is in the light of these miracles that I feel a tiny bit of f...

Yesterday was probably the first and final day I ever do something incredibly stupid and reckless and memorable with the group of people I never really felt anything with. There was a final gathering night-out for last term's class members since Foundation is ending. I was threatened with bodily harms should I skip even though I had totally rejected it flat-out with the intention of staying in bed and reading cozily. After mulling, I thought, why not. It's just eating out. Wrong. Yes, we had dinner together. It was quite lovely. And I had fully intended to go back after filling my stomach when there was a chorus of "I-City here we come" reverberating through the group. "No.", I said repeatedly. "Yes.", they chorused like annoying brats. Amelia disregarded this heated conversation because she knew that as long as she's going, whatever I said wouldn't matter because I'd follow her to keep her safe. Still, I wanted my thoughts on the...

Made a sweet alliteration there, didn't I? *chuckles* Anyhoo, as it said, Foundation year is coming to an end as the finals gain by less than 72 hours. Then we'll go our separate ways, depending on the results. Just like highschool. Though this graduation may end in more memorable way than 2 years ago. Most of us are looking forward to the grad dinner night, a commemoration of one year spent together. Except for some, including me. If I hadn't paid for it, I would've stick to my decision on skipping. The thought of too many people was enough for me to burn my money just like that but Amelia and Irene had threatened of various torture and I surrendered with dignity. When I first came here, I made the first impression as any normal ones I made throughout my life. Quiet, emotionless, devil-may-care person. I've never been good with strangers. I take time to open up. Close to a year, to be exact. My roommates during the first term was alright, eventhough one...

Weekends are nice, if a bit too quiet, even for me. My roommates regularly go home during the weekends, all three of them, leaving me alone for three days until Mon starts again. I don't mind per se, but sometimes the silence grates. Like I don't know what to do to fill it, though usually I don't care. Had a minor freak out with Kei tonight. I have a little plan for our end of term dinner (formal wear. Yuck.) that will proceedingly embarrass me in front of my crush but I planned it in the name of no-regrets. Doubt was seeping into my head all day since this morning and by night, I was gonna cancel the whole thing. Just, push the red button and system all stop. RED ALERT. ABORT. ABORT. ABORTTTT.. I didn't wanna go to the damn thing anyway because, duh. People. But for reasons that are free food and I fuckin paid for it so, my reluctance rendered moot by Amelia and Irene who are ecstatic at having me play human-sized barbie doll dress up. *groans* The th...