Itsy Bitsy Misty

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part. 

I do have things to write about.

It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them. 

Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are.

It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just, nothing exciting or new. It's dull.

Probably why I got interested in some of the outside campus program. Well, one program in particular. I joined something called BookCamp held at Kampung Karyawan Malim, Gopeng, Perak. Sis said it's tad too far into the main city from where she lives but still, I should inform her when I get to the meeting spot. For safety reasons.

Mom and Dad and Sis sternly warned me not to go on my own.

Technically, I won't be.

I haven't been attending classes since yesterday, though wait, for I have good medical reasons. Long story short, two of my classmates had found me unresponsive and full of cuts and waited until I was conscious before accompanying me to the Health Center to get my cuts looked at. 

They decided I was apparently an emergency case and sent me packing to CTC eventhough I had tiresomely relayed and insisted that "no look I have monthly sessions already here see got my own psychiatrist and everything please don't bother oh for fuck's sake here we go again". There was a lot of passing around and waiting and blah blah blah.

All of them seem to be insisting that I suffer from MDD (major depressive disorder) 

but ha, no, y'all wrong.

Just cause it's the one time y'all seen self-harm wounds doesn't mean it's my first time, these cucarachas. Yeesh, the one time I didn't actively done it and suddenly I'm freakin famous in the health department. Y'all didn't even have a psych doc on call! Why even fuckin bother.

Wastin' a lot of time is what it was.

Y'all too late, 'kay. I'm fine and dandy now. Help someone who fuckin' wants it, docs.

I just wanted to clean those shit up and slap a good MC.

They were all so concerned of me attempting to kill myself. Look, been there done that, alright? I'm all good now. Amelia and Irene helped me get here, so give THEM the medals.

I have a vow to protect.

And this incident is by no means of my own consciousness. 

I held no memories of them, just the voices of my classmates, and nothing else.

As far as I'm concerned, it could be just a scare of my old past or repressed stress but none that I was aware of until my subconscious decided to rip the freaking wheel out.

I have loved people, and I am aware of being loved by them in return.

My self-worth has been good and my sleep are filled with vivid and colorful dreams I would love to revisit. My mental health has never been better, basically.

If anything else, I've never felt like myself again after so many years living under the shadow of fear.

On another subject, my classmates have taken it upon themselves to voice out my changes in this 2 months ever since I found myself to be in a romantic relationship. One in particular had commented how much I smile more and laugh and actually make active attempts to communicate with the rest of them and not just one or two person nearest to me.

I do not notice these things. 

One had said to me, "You look so much happier!"

Well, I finally found someone who's worth the effort. (see this for flashback)

Why wouldn't I?