AkImA No NiKkI

Hey, y'alls. It's reminiscing time! Hahahaha Lately, I realized that the majority space of my phone has been taken over by Mystic Messenger . The little time I have when not logged in is spent checking on class and family group whatsapps and that's about it. Even reading fics is counted as golden time these days. Well talk about addiction at its finest. LOL Who knew I would be so hooked up on an otome game?  Hopefully my last, tbh, 'cause I'm not sure the rest of the more demanding aspects of my life could allow such an obsessive nature (bordering maniac) without sacrificing something. I don't mind gaming, once in a while, but I don't want it to be an obsession. I have enough of those to last a lifetime. -____-||| After I'm done with all the Routes and cleared out the game, that should be the end of it. I hope. Currently, I'm on Han Jumin 's route. And boy, does this one got me thinking. Somehow, Jumin captured my interest more a...

Hey guys. So, I'm back. Freshly 20. *shivers of dread* That was my worst birthday yet, in the history of my birthdays. Granted, I don't normally mind whether or not it was celebrated : regardless the wishes from my closest people has always been more than enough for me. I'm a simple person with simple needs. *shrug* But in the occasion of my phone being broken and just generally useless, for the first time ever, my birthday meant something to me and the voices it normally brings. It felt..lonely. More than once, I was disheartened by the fact that I couldn't receive their wishes or if they even remembered. I only have so little people in my life (who matters) after all. So I got me a new phone, for temporary use till my old one can get fixed at home. That means I'd lost all of my contacts with the exception of my family, Amelia and Irene, and some of the newly made groups that included me. Kei, Kyo, and Fabio stuck around, for a little while. I suppo...

Yeah, this came on just last night. It's not uncommon and it pretty much happens a lot of time when I was in college back when the first ground breakthrough of my condition. Though back then, I was a master at turning my ears off and watch them move their mouths like gaping fish while I thought of scenes in various books that I've read and remembered. Since I hadn't have had much contact other than my friends, I've forgotten all about how naive some people can be. Even when they didn't mean anything by it. Not many people knows about my PTSD. Don't get me wrong, I don't keep it a secret. But I'm not exactly putting it on advertising billboards either. If they ask, I answer. Provided, they ask the right question. There's this acquaintance of mine, when we were still Asasi TESL-ians. She's nice, sweet, respectable, humble, and generally likeable by every human being who knows her.  Even me. Last night, she sent me an article regarding ...

Hi guys. I'm already well from the fever tho I still have a bit of a runny nose to handle. But that's okay. My head is clear and my body feels fine so it's a win. ^^ Yesterday, my cousin and Fabio visited me along with Kyo and another friend. Grandma and I were the only ones at home at the moment so we just sat in the third living room and chat. It was nice, though I felt slightly tired afterwards when I saw them off to the gate. Fabio's friendship with me had settle slightly better than before, when I could barely tolerate his.....how to put in words, naivete, for lack of proper terms. Now I feel easier and more comfortable to exchange jokes and opinions with the guy, and that's good. Kei though...well, I suppose he's still has some issues of his own to waddle through so I'll leave him to get to it. After all, he hadn't confide in me in any sort and I wouldn't know how approach him about it anyway.  They do say people who seems the happiest...

It's the end of Ramadhan, and opening to Syawal. And Eidul Fitr is 2 days to come. Thankfully, this year's celebration is less fussy than the years before. We have Grandma with us at our home so we don't have to travel back to the village and Dad's side of the family should be gathering on the second day of Eid so we have the first day to ourselves. Our own private Eid celebration with our family. ^^ Mom had given up on dragging me through stores to find some dresses, thank God for that, and conceded my point of only rummaging through countless clothes in the cupboard. Of course, she had to put restrictions. Else we all know I'm gonna end up wearing jeans and shirt on Eid and won't that be tragic for them. (o^o) Onee-san and baby bro are home for a week for Eid. And my friends, Fabio, Kei, Kyo, and some of the others would be back in town too. I hope we'd have time to hang out some time. I can't wait to see them. xD We hadn't keep in touc...

So Kei finally texted me last night and we had a pretty awkward conversation. A conversation containing mostly "Uhhh"s and "Umm"s. Well, on my part. His just has a lotta dots. Pretty obvious tell if you ask me. Doesn't take a psychic mind-reader to know something's up when you see more dots than a sentence should have. *shrug* But then again, that's the wonder of reading. You can learn to read body language without ever having to confront a human being. Technically, you're going on a thesis by your readings but meh, it goes as it goes. LOL Worked for me. Also, it helps to be observant. A self-absorbent jackass wouldn't know body language if it hits him in the face. I'm glad he did, though. Kei, that is. We still gotta talk through the whole comfort-zone and swapping-accommodations but I guess it'll pop out in a talk sooner or later. Or we'd just have another fight about it. We've never really talk about lines and zones be...

It's a beautiful day and the weather is perfect. Blue sky as far as eyes can see, white fluffy clouds giving shade, and the soft breeze the wind carries is just delightful. She steps outside to her porch, clad in worn gray sweats and sleeveless dark blue hoodie, and takes a huge deep breath with a satisfied smile. It's a beautiful day to read outside. Hikaru bounces inside quickly to fetch her book and tea. She unties her ponytail and ties her sidebangs around her head as she settle down on her swing with her book in hand and her tea in the other. The breeze caresses her face lovingly, sweeping few stray hair off her shoulder. She can't help to smile. She flips the page where her bookmark resides and delves in. The tea is gone, and the mug sits silently by her side, existence forgotten. Hours pass by, and there is nothing between her and the world she explores. She is irrevocably, happily, lost. The silence in her surrounding is easy save for her occasio...

They say if you love something, let it go. If they return to you, then they're probably meant for you. If they don't, they were never yours to begin with. Was my decision correct? Was it worth it? Kei and I have been through quite some stuff. Was it worth to lose him because of another bump?  I push people away. That's a general common knowledge. Added with I rarely let anyone come close in the first place. He was my bestfriend. He makes mistakes. And repeats them. But then again.....isn't that a human thing? I'm afraid he won't return. This only shows how important he is to me, because any other person?  I would've gotten over them in hours. Even days. It hurts to think he'd leave. Even if it doesn't make any sense since I was the one who pushed him away. But I think that's warranted, with my PTSD and being a female.  I know it will only hurt me more and more and more to hope for his return. Would it be stupid of me to h...

Hey, guys. I'm in a really bad place right now, the sort of place I wish time could turn back and I was never born. Yeah it seems like I'm exaggerating and being dramatic but I'm the sort that always goes for the worst situation, y'noe? Idk what that would make me tho. See, I screwed up my degree application. And then I screwed up the admission test for the course I didn't want in a Uni I didn't ask.  And now, I'm paying up for those screw ups. I just checked for the newly opened re-application and I got a red paged error. You could guess how much I'm freaking the fuck out right now. My hands are trembling (normal reaction for me, don't YOU freak out now) and my chest are tight with worry and dread and guilt and just plain failure and disappointment at myself. It's funny (no, not really) because I just got back from a wonderful vacation last night for 2 days and one night at Tasik Kenyir, Terengganu with my family. And now I am feel...

This has happened too many times to my liking. I can disregard it and turn the conversation to a more pleasing note but there's only so much a HUMAN can take. I can turn a blind eye because he's my supposedly best friend BUT BEST FRIENDS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO CHANGE WHO YOU ARE. And before you ask, yes, I am emotionally unstable. I don't get what he's pissed about. Just because I don't flirt with him anymore doesn't mean it has to be that way for us. He has a girlfriend now and I'm not comfortable doing that anymore. SO FOR FUCK'S SAKE GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND FIGURE YOUR SHIT OUT BEFORE YOU RAVE STUPID RIDICULOUS STUFF AT ME. I have explained to him EXTENSIVELY why and how I don't reciprocate his flirts anymore. I don't like it. I'm not comfortable, no matter what he or his girlfriend says. I AM NOT COMFORTABLE SO WOULD YOU GET THAT FUCKING INFO INTO YOUR HEAD AND RESPECT MY FUCKING COMFORT LINES PLEASE. Th...

(Caution : Misleading titles) But then you're already reading the post so, too late! ha. No, my heart is not broken. Well, figuratively.  SPN season 10 is all the rage with SPN fans these days, considering the heartbreaking development revealed. Then again, isn't it always with SPN? *chuckle* I just read Onee-san's latest post about the breaking (title pun. badumm-tss ) national news regarding the Myanmar Rohingya refugees and what a *beep* Malaysia is with their lack of helping actions. I know, it's rare that I censor my cursing but I'm pretty sure I can't say the word or else I'll get banned for treason. LOL Haters be like, "ya don't like it get outta this country bitch" and I'll be like, "yeah cuz shoving away dying people in need is REALLY cool and fucking-a awesome right fucktard". I've had a lot of time cramping in the house for almost 2 months and I haven't read a good book in weeks and I have a lot of pen...

Another night spent beside the toilet bowl. I literally vomited my whole portion of dinner down the drain. And fuck it burns my throat so much.  I can feel the chafe at the back of my mouth right now. Honestly, I don't know what brought it up. One minute I was lounging on the bed, the next I was retching my insides out in the bathroom. And guess what, it doesn't end there.  Heavens forbid it ever ends there. I get the most horrible stomach cramp ever to be had. It feels like mt intestines were pulled out straight and wrung out like a paper towel. It hurt like hell. I rolled continuously on the bed, trying to settle down a position where it hurts the least and unsurprisingly, no tears had been shed at all the whole night. Just pathetic whimpers and dry sobs packed with labored breathing. The taste of vomit was exceedingly foul in my mouth through my nostrils. I desperately wished for a person's presence, just to smooth out the pain in my back if noth...

Hi, guys. It's been a while. No worries, I have my reason, which entails two words. Mom, and the black sheep. Mom was pissed he wouldn't go to school 'cause he stayed up late surfin' the net, so she confiscated the wi-fi. It's connected now for the weekend 'cause my baby bro is home for the moment and he pleaded the case with Dad. Way to go, baby bro! x3 That said, I'll only post a few stuff here and there for these two days. Now, regarding my last post, it was the first night after many many months of self-recovery a relapse of that degree. As I stated, it used to happen frequently during my high school days, usually when I am alone because of course I would never have them when I am with my sis or my baby bro since those voices have no place in my head when I am happy and content. I locked the door, and spent the night retching in the toilet bowl. I had records, but they were all gone with the flood. So that's that. Funnily, the urge had grown...

I'm slowly working my way through my latest fic and occasionally, whip up some on-spot ideas on the sketchpad. Though I need to be reminded to use my spaces carefully 'cause economy right now is worse and stuff are really getting expensive. I wonder if our country's gonna burn like Africa.  Oops, jinx. Regardless, with the rate we're going on, any jinxing isn't gonna make much difference. *shrug* I'm catching on Stony for a while, meaning that the Destiel ship has been put on hold for the moment. That talk I had with Onee-san few days ago made me think of Stony and now, I'm just filling up the urges to read some fluffy fic and coo adorably at these two grown-up idiots waddling their way through angst and emotionally stunted brains to get their heads outta their asses and see the real love in their freaking eyes. Call it avoidance or whatever but I love these idiots. Yeah get over it. Don't question my OTP. I will go down with this ship. I m...

Hey y'all. Man, I'm like, super hyper after my dose of caffeine. LOL Was watching first ep of Under The Dome the series at TV2 when Dad wanted to eat out. I was like, "After the show? I've been waiting for it." and Mom said, "You can talk since you don't have school. We do." and I did a happy dance 'cause yeah, she's totally right. I don't have school. *cue epic shitty grin* And then I shrugged.  Mmeeehhh, whattahell, I can always watch them online.  To the Deermobile!! ('cause we're using a Kancil. Get it? Like, Batmobile. LOL so freakin' lame.) *cue 007 theme song* Kei hasn't texted me since he got back. Huh. He's probably busy with family stuff. Or maybe just enjoying some time with his girl.  Meh. More time with me and my books! Muahahahahaha~ Come to think of it, I haven't tried to text anyone save for Amelia these few weeks. In fact, I've been feeling like wanting solidarity again from wh...

Humans have limits. This is general knowledge. Yet we push the boundaries, as far as it may go. Granted, it wasn't much, but at times, it was enough. The limited boundary of human minds isn't supposed to be a secret, rather more of unique-ly shaped cave with unique halls and caverns with each unique personality of a person. With friendships, isn't understanding a privilege? Is my condition too hard for him to see? Are my walls too high for him to climb? Should I have never shown him my bloodied self? What was I expecting? What was I hoping? Kei and I, we grew close for our intricate similarities, as well as our differences. His coping mechanism is distraction, just as much as he is a good one. But I face my demons head on. When I showed them to him, what exactly were I expecting him to do? I wanted him to look at them, and tell me what they are. I wanted him to pry their gripping claws from my mind, and say nothing. But what I get was a series of "St...

Kei finally got a girlfriend~!! Yeay for the guy, huh? Plus it's with the girl of his dreams a.k.a his for-a-while crush. At least one of us has a healthy love life. His would so make up for the disaster of mine. LOL I thought that since he'd gotten the girl, he'd spend more time with her and less time with this best girl friend of his but clearly, I was wrong. Instead, he seemed much more..clingy? Is that a good word in this context? I don't know, really. *chuckles* I was pretty much prepared for the silent mornings and nights when we usually would text or call and just talk about pretty much anything and everything. But then, some times lately he would surprise me by him starting the conversation first rather than me. Usually it's just me who starts. And then with all the exaggerated mushiness -I mean, it wasn't that different from before, Kei has always been the romantic-man and ready to sweep any damsel off her pretty dainty feet- but he doesn't...

Yesterday I was strolling through YouTube for some acting lessons which was arguably foolish. I thought they had tutorials for this gig. Apparently my manly acts aren't manly enough, or at least, not the right kind of manly we're looking for my character. Somehow, someway, I ended up looking at introvert-related vids. I really like them because I could comment and like and just nod very understandingly according to experience.  Some people are introverts because they're naturally shy or nervous.  I just hate people. I love the one with the myths about introverts from BuzzFeed vids. Their cartoons are so adorable! xDD It's true. I support this. Right now, my circle of friends are just Amelia, Irene, and Kei. My daughter are included in the family section. The rest are grouped in either the acquaintance section or someone-I-know section. I'm not shy or timid or any of those stuff. I play (or used to play) sports and have quite a number of roles dur...

Idiots.  I know our society has them but it was of no concern to me long as they keep out of my life. And then, Fabio happened. On top of him, is Kei. *groans*   God, give me strength. I would've never pegged Kei as an idiot because he's not, IQ-wise. He's more of a...coward, I guess. I understand, because fear is a very strong element. I would know. But still, I have a strong will to survive . Because I know, that no matter how many times I tripped and fell on my knees and sometimes might even stay there on the ground for a while, I would always, ALWAYS , get back up again. Granted, I need help sometimes, when my legs feel like they'll give out. The point is, I am not afraid of calling out for them. I am weak, and so I acknowledge it. By acknowledging it, I can stand up again, and move forward to where I want to be. Kei, he's constantly get dragged by his fear . He won't take a step forward. He's standing, up and straight, but won't put h...