AkImA No NiKkI

It's one of those blessed good nights. The sky is starry, the moon is out, there is a cool breeze going in and out and dancing across the room pirouetting their way out the window in the living room where I sit in front of my laptop at the table, sipping my sweet lemon tea, warmth from freshly boiled water creeping through my body. I thought about changing out of the tank top into something comfier, but I figured the soft pastel of blue and white matches my emotions for now so I leave it be.  I couldn't find my soft pink kitty paws sweater anyway. It's been an ass-numbing day, despite waking up well-rested and having breakfast with good coffee with Jack on the phone -with the townhall meeting made obligatory for final year students. Granted, it lit up some educational lightbulbs with good Q&As but it was the notion that mattered. My ass was numb. This week has been hot because of the haze, global warming, and the slow easy puttering sound of our earth wheez...

I've actually watched this anime twice in the past few months and tonight is my 3rd time rewatching it. For some reason, I just love this anime lol It isn't like Haikyuu or Yuri On Ice where they specify or subtly imply the shipping game, it is a wholesome anime of friendship and teacher-student relationship. Though to be fair, I may have been indulging a lot of the latter lately, what with also rewatching Gokusen season 1 and season 2... Although there IS a subtle implication that there COULD be more than meets the eye if pushed, but it's very very small and common, unlike the ones shown in Haikyuu where it's plain to obvious to people who have more than decent analyzing skills. It could also be that I have a plain soft spot for main characters with Heine's personality... My favorite type of personality for main characters, to be honest. I loved the first time I watched it, but I feel as if I didn't pay enough thought to how the dynamics are neatly...

So, a special post for the beloved's 26th birthday! Since I just got home yesterday morning, we'll be doing something together just for the sake of old times because lord knows we haven't had nearly enough time with each other sine the semester started. Looking forward to it! ^^ These past few months have been way too stressful for the both of us, with schedules and events lining up after another. We keep our conversations where we can, for me, that would be gaps between classes and such. If we could even have a 5 minute call, that was good enough with the restrictions we have.  Considering my classes end way too late after his worktime and his workdays don't line up with my weekends, it was straining to say the least. I missed him way too much. Clingy, yeah, I know, I'm aware. But now that semester's over and my 2 months holidays begin, we can rectify the time we lost! So fucking many movies I have on the list for us to binge XD Heck we might go and fin...

It's currently 1.32 a.m and I have 8.30 creative writing class in the morning followed by sociolinguistics at 2.00 p.m until 5.00 p.m. I have just woken up from sleep about an hour ago after taking a "nap" at 6.00 p.m.  I lied awake on my bed, struggling to even twitch a finger because I haven't showered since Friday evening. And I haven't started laundry. My head beats a steady headache and my insides twist and turn like a solo tango. I have cried out of nowhere several times in random moments these past four days.  Just, suddenly burst of tears out of the blue and the sadness piles into a chain of boulders to my feet. I fear going into that state of numbness again.  How long has it been since I last took my fluoxetine? In January? I was faring decent with my leftover alprazolam but I have only one tablet left after tonight. I'm scared.  I'm fucking scared. What if I start pushing people away because I grew too tired? What if I start distancing m...

Second day of starting semester 5 and I already feel like kissing an oncoming train. Credits to Bo for that reference.  I left my mug at Sis's place and the cafes don't sell any mugs so I can't make any coffee in my room. Leaves me with pretty much bare mentality to brace the class and schedules and stupid lecturer rules that don't make fucking sense. I haven't taken my meds since end of January cause I ran out and I need to make an appointment again soon to replenish my stocks because I know I'm gonna fucking need them to survive this semester. I barely survived second day, for fuck's sake. I've forgotten how loud the class is and how intense the headache they emanate.  Plus, some lecturers we get this semester are particularly obnoxious in the way that we have to dress exactly like they want even going as far as nitpicking on types of shoes and nametags. Also, how the classes are put together in the schedule is fucking ridiculous. Why in...

Hey. It's been a while. By a while, I mean several months. Not even a New Year post, right? I spent New Year with beloved, so.. I count it as a good start off.  I don't know if one day, I'll still be writing in this. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know who reads this anyway, other than my circle, but that's never been a factor to this blog.  I started this blog when I was..13? Right around the time before I went to SMK Ismail Petra, and my cousin suggested it to me because it seemed like a good idea, and I took a liking to it. It helps. Whether or not I knew it, a lot of the time, this blog helps pouring my heart out. I don't need to expect responses, I don't need to curve to anyone's expectations, and I don't need to abide by social "rules".  I'd just wanted to write my heart out. Years pass, and between events and roller-coasters in my life, this blog still goes on. Sure, it's missing HUGE chunks of time and pieces, but it has al...

I wish you'd leave that place Did you forget how good it feels to stay Unpack the bags I made You'll forget about your days away Count down, come down, come lay beside me You can calm down, sit down, you know I'm yours You're not alone You're just too far for me to hold Nothing can hold you down You think it's made you better All that you see is blue and green Would you rather be blind or free? You think you've found your comfort But we just need more color I wish you'd change your mind The more you go, the less I feel the time You look so small tonight How'd you get away so many miles Count down, come down, come lay beside me You can calm down, sit down, you know I'm yours You're not alone You're just too far for me to hold Nothing can hold you down You think it's made you better All that you see is blue and green Would you rather be blind or free? You think you've found your comfort But we just need more color But...

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part.  I do have things to write about. It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them.  Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are. It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just...

So, it's been a week or so since 4th semester started and already I wish for it to end. For several reasons, including how I wish I didn't cave into the guilt trip and registered in Group B instead because this is a fucking mess right off the bat with these girls, I swear. The sigh of an everlasting annoyance is not unfamiliar by now. The fondness these days has made way for exasperation and irritation mostly. Also, the I-Learn site which we use to regularly update our information for assignment tasks and guidelines and lecture slides was recently "updated" and is still in configuration which means a fucking pain in the butthole. Lecturers expect us to have these things by the next class and I can't even access the fucking shit and this grates on my patience  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT THIS POINT SO HELP ME GOD. On top of that, there aren't any interesting or good subjects to look forward to this semester and the schedule is nothing short of torture be...

Greetings. It's been a while, haha. I'm at home, lounging my ass off until 10th of September which is when the next semester starts, namely, my 4th.  I've decided to stay in the same group again, mainly because a friend guilt-tripped me into it lol. As long as we keep the assholery of work to a minimum. I like the girls, really. I just like them outside of work when we're not working together. That's really inevitable,  next to impossible, yes I am aware. I am also aware that the girls can be made to understand this. Regardless, as the holidays span, I have exciting plans await! xD Not gonna jinx it yet but Amelia, Irene, and I have plans around late August. Hopefully it'll come to fruition smoothly! I miss them both so dearly. I hear rumors that PALAM will have a KTM line to KL Central in the future. Let's hope that's neither false or too far off because if that's true, my weekends would likely be spent in KL half the time. hahaha Recen...

So...updates. It's 4th day of Eid (Eid Mubarak, everyone~!) and things are finally looking up. With my parents, and with my void memories. The former part is good and awesome, though whilst the latter is a "bit not good", I think it's a positive change than before. I'm going back to college 1st of July and after that we have final exams coming up, thankfully just 3 papers. I should stock up my meds for end of semester break, too. After being stuck 26 hours on a fucking bus on my way home for Eid, Dad picked me up around 2 a.m as per usual. He kept saying something about patience and tribulations, I just nodded and hummed, letting him say his piece. When we were getting close to home, he finally got around to sorta, kinda, in a roundabout my-family-way, kind of apologized about the 'crazy' fiasco last time. I understand the meaning, though. Because that's when I thought, "Oh, so this is where Sis got it from." Ha. I felt quite close ...

My bus is tonight. And to be honest, I'm not all that excited to go home. I mean, I'm excited and can't wait to meet Sis and Harraz and my siblings again, but I'm not too sure about my parents. After the whole 'crazy' fiasco, they treated me like nothing happened and, while a part of me is not surprised with the treatment, another part is also scared. Fear has become a common comrade to me these years. I know Sis said they can't understand, but will they blame me for it? I'm sure they already did, they were quite vocal about my misgivings the last time I tried to tell them. Even if they already know about my state, will they consider anything in regards to it? All these years, I've become accustomed to directing all wrongdoings to myself. I wasn't like that as a child. It started because of "her" voice. Telling me to "stay still" and "don't fight" and "you have nice skin" and "it'll b...

The phone vibrated violently with the alarms loudly going off with the text flashing "WAKE UP FOR CLASS DAMMIT YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE" beside her pillow, messy black hair fanning out the sides like gravity demands it per physics. She rolled towards the sound, face pinched unpleasantly at the wake-up call and moved her hands, patting around the general area of the phone with her eyes closed. Her roommate, all ready and pristine for her morning class rolled her eyes at the all too familiar sight. She moved to wake her. "Jamie. James, wake up. D'ya have class this morning?" she asked, close to the not-awake mass of grumbling body on the grey-sheets bed but not touching her.  The aforementioned grumbling body -Jamie, apparently- grunts not-quite an answer, and shifts her head slightly towards the voice of her roommate and slurred, "Nnnoo..ain't got'nyclass till 2..". The roommate nodded her acknowledgement and left the still-grumbling body b...

Things were really bad last week. The worst I have ever made since I decided to go for recovery 3 years ago when Amelia and Irene convinced me to. I'm at square one now. Back to the beginning and starting all over again. And there's no one to be mad at but myself, this I am well too aware of. So here I am, starting recovery from scratch. Again. I can't even apologize. It's worthless and there's no value to them considering how much of a piece of shit I am. I don't deserve to feel guilty when my stupid rationality flies out the fucking window every time my mood fluctuates downhill like a shitty economic bar.  Fucking hell. If you can't tell by now, it means I relapsed. Past tense.  I'm a little bit okay now, since the moods has passed, but I'm gonna have to start the recovery process all over again from scratch as I've reiterated above. I'm not doing excellent or good, but I'm trying what I can to counter it. It's probably no...