Medical Help
It's currently 1.32 a.m and I have 8.30 creative writing class in the morning followed by sociolinguistics at 2.00 p.m until 5.00 p.m. I have just woken up from sleep about an hour ago after taking a "nap" at 6.00 p.m.
I lied awake on my bed, struggling to even twitch a finger because I haven't showered since Friday evening. And I haven't started laundry. My head beats a steady headache and my insides twist and turn like a solo tango. I have cried out of nowhere several times in random moments these past four days.
Just, suddenly burst of tears out of the blue and the sadness piles into a chain of boulders to my feet. I fear going into that state of numbness again.
How long has it been since I last took my fluoxetine? In January? I was faring decent with my leftover alprazolam but I have only one tablet left after tonight. I'm scared.
I'm fucking scared.
What if I start pushing people away because I grew too tired? What if I start distancing myself from the people I love because my self hatred won't let me? The roads I've been down before that I couldn't afford to be back to...I can't. I can't. I am a coward.
It happened once today, with beloved. And I'm scared if it happens again in the future. He says that my selfishness will be paid back in time when it's his turn to be selfish and that does make me feel better. Infinitely so.
I am grateful.
He proves how he tries for me, and fights for me. With actions, and simply not just words. And I will absolutely reciprocate that as best I can. Equivalent Exchange never fails.
Drawing for Amelia calms me into a state where I am content with moving my limbs around in a productive manner. To know that I am creating a piece of doodle that will make her happy. Her happiness dulls away the fear and sadness like a bright sun emerging from a gloomy cloud. Cliché, but accurate.
I miss her.
I wish there could be a bubble of time where we can pack up and travel together someplace for a while. Someplace new.
Work hasn't even started yet and half of it are already dawning on my consciousness. At least creative writing proves to be a favourite class for now. I just hope there won't be future disappointment and crush it all to pieces.
I need to schedule another appointment with my psychiatrist too, so I won't be a danger to myself and people around me to a point.
I'm not gonna relapse. I won't.
I've come too far for that to be possible.
Cuddles would be great, though.
Oh, btw, it's my baby sister's 8th birthday today. Well, yesterday.
I wonder what should I get her. I can post it back home without waiting for my break which isn't until Eidul Fitr. As long as it's not another kitten or a living being, anythings good.
I should probably sleep.
Class is early and I need coffee.
I lied awake on my bed, struggling to even twitch a finger because I haven't showered since Friday evening. And I haven't started laundry. My head beats a steady headache and my insides twist and turn like a solo tango. I have cried out of nowhere several times in random moments these past four days.
Just, suddenly burst of tears out of the blue and the sadness piles into a chain of boulders to my feet. I fear going into that state of numbness again.
How long has it been since I last took my fluoxetine? In January? I was faring decent with my leftover alprazolam but I have only one tablet left after tonight. I'm scared.
I'm fucking scared.
What if I start pushing people away because I grew too tired? What if I start distancing myself from the people I love because my self hatred won't let me? The roads I've been down before that I couldn't afford to be back to...I can't. I can't. I am a coward.
It happened once today, with beloved. And I'm scared if it happens again in the future. He says that my selfishness will be paid back in time when it's his turn to be selfish and that does make me feel better. Infinitely so.
I am grateful.
He proves how he tries for me, and fights for me. With actions, and simply not just words. And I will absolutely reciprocate that as best I can. Equivalent Exchange never fails.
Drawing for Amelia calms me into a state where I am content with moving my limbs around in a productive manner. To know that I am creating a piece of doodle that will make her happy. Her happiness dulls away the fear and sadness like a bright sun emerging from a gloomy cloud. Cliché, but accurate.
I miss her.
I wish there could be a bubble of time where we can pack up and travel together someplace for a while. Someplace new.
Work hasn't even started yet and half of it are already dawning on my consciousness. At least creative writing proves to be a favourite class for now. I just hope there won't be future disappointment and crush it all to pieces.
I need to schedule another appointment with my psychiatrist too, so I won't be a danger to myself and people around me to a point.
I'm not gonna relapse. I won't.
I've come too far for that to be possible.
Cuddles would be great, though.
Oh, btw, it's my baby sister's 8th birthday today. Well, yesterday.
I wonder what should I get her. I can post it back home without waiting for my break which isn't until Eidul Fitr. As long as it's not another kitten or a living being, anythings good.
I should probably sleep.
Class is early and I need coffee.
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