AkImA No NiKkI

 Here we go again, trying to heal through a variety of childhood traumas. Buckle the fuckle up, I guess. So, my childhood was sprinkled with violence as much as it was surrounded by love. That's what you get when your parents never went to therapy for their traumas and subconsciously fucking up their children as a consequence. The only reason I could find myself forgiving them for their parenting mistakes is because I know they never meant to, and they are aware of what their mistakes caused, and they are actively trying to fix and understand our pain. Not every parent is like them, I am well aware, and I also know that their mistakes are not everything they are to me. There is a huge difference between parents who consciously and knowingly hurt their children and parents who just made mistakes.  For all their mistakes caused my childhood to retain damages, they also tried their best to show me love in the ways they had never been shown by their own parents, and I appreciate t...

This feels more like an emergency update if anything else. I don't sleep at nights anymore, being an insomniac, only being able to fulfill my body's necessity after 8 a.m and beyond. Of course with the quarantine and my unemployment, it's not being a bother to my daily routine, but I imagine when it's over and I have a job, not being able to sleep at nights and having to wake up at an early morning and work all day and rinse and repeat will eventually fail my body and my health.  It's only not being a problem now but it will surely be a problem later. Anyway, I'm just here to spill out some thoughts, which I have religiously ignored in turn of various distractions. I should likely start from the beginning. Some time around a week ago, I believe (I can't tell because my time scope is honestly fucked up by now after half a year sitting at home), there was an issue with a famous figure being outed as a sexual predator and his victims stepping up to voice their ...

First actual update since 2020 started. Spoilers, it's shit. The world has gone apocalyptic, just like I always thought it would someday, and humanity is both fucked and blessed. For one, Earth gets a clean-up on parasites, which is nice. For two, exposure of how rotten humanity can go CAN surprise you no matter how bad you thought it would be.  And surprise, surprise, Twitter is bad for my mental health. Who else is not surprised?  I consider myself having a good grip on my anger considering I managed to realize the issue at a young age and subsequently, consciously, make an effort to curb it. But Twitter is making me re-evaluate that bar and by the end of this term, I either deactivate my accounts and never look at it ever again or I set a higher, stronger grip on my anger management.  Either way, shit is rolling whether I like it or not. Maybe it was cowardly that I would choose ignorance to the world to preserve my sanity, but I never proclaimed myself a knigh...

There are times when I feel grief over losing Beloved. I know it's just empty grief. A feeling of loss over the idealized version of them. Feelings of betrayal over what had happened that ended with waves of emptiness. When I have no words to portray these, knowing some people would take it as "I'm not yet moving on" or "It's been forever, get over it" or "this is a new level of pathetic", I keep the grief to myself. Coming from strangers wouldn't have done anything, but I don't know what I would've done had it came from someone I trusted to be there for me -someone I thought who would hold me. Because it's not like that.  I have  moved on. I don't stay up nights wishing with all the hope in my heart they would come back to me. I don't cry myself for hours in showers, reminiscing all that I should've done and could've done. I can say their name and remember their face with a smile on my lips, knowing they ...

I am currently at sis's place in Tg.Malim, Perak. Waiting for the day my usefulness runs out and I return home to Kelantan only to be a burdensome freeloader. I've just finished the 6th semester, and starting February, a friend and I will be carrying out our practicum at SMK Seksyen 7 in Shah Alam for nearly 4 months. We have scouted a rent house and expected to deal a contract duration to move in around January until the end of practicum. I have moved out of the apartment I lived in during 6th semester a week ago. I've not taken my meds for a 3 weeks. I spent Christmas holidays with Mya and Indah, and it was the only relief of the whole year. It is now 2019. Nothing is different. I am dissociating, that much is obvious. I have begun to feel distaste for interaction other than necessary, yet knowing if I do not get them done, I will be alone. Help will not come. There are words stuck in my throat, unable to come out. Emotions I swallow along with them and burn at ...

Last weekends, I went home, to make my passport. Because I have no class on Fridays till Mondays, that makes my weekends 4 days long a week, so I feel very blessed. Despite having these long days of weekends, I don't necessarily go home often, because it takes me half a day by travel alone and it's a waste of money if I have nothing important to resolve back home. I went back last weekends because I need the passport to cross the borders to Thailand, since I will be tagging along with my clan having a holiday in Hatnyai. Hopefully it won't be boring because sis isn't going thus I won't have anyone to socialize with. Moving on to the thought at hand, on the morning of my departure to the bus station from home back to college, I was given an impromptu lecture from mom and dad as we were having breakfast. I know, I know. By now I should have been expert at washing off their words over me and learn not to take them at face value, but they caught me off guard that m...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

Char Char had to be put down today. Beloved said it was because of kidney failure and heart failure, and the vet makes it obvious he wouldn't be able to make it through the night. It's Sunday so no vet around their area is open and he had to drive 4.5 hours back and forth for him.  I hadn't known Char Char for long. I only knew him for as long as I knew beloved, and that was for mere 6 months and 2 weeks. But as for a feline lover as I am, cats have a special place in my heart.  I have as much pictures of Char Char and Tezca as I do of him. When I woke up to his texts about Char Char's condition, my heart thumped heavily in my chest. I'm currently at Mya's place, after coming to visit her for her last stage performance two nights ago and ended up staying for the weekends, but I wanted to make this post to remember the date.  I wasn't there when Bocco passed. I wish I could have remembered the date or how he passed, but I wasn't. I was...

It's currently 1.32 a.m and I have 8.30 creative writing class in the morning followed by sociolinguistics at 2.00 p.m until 5.00 p.m. I have just woken up from sleep about an hour ago after taking a "nap" at 6.00 p.m.  I lied awake on my bed, struggling to even twitch a finger because I haven't showered since Friday evening. And I haven't started laundry. My head beats a steady headache and my insides twist and turn like a solo tango. I have cried out of nowhere several times in random moments these past four days.  Just, suddenly burst of tears out of the blue and the sadness piles into a chain of boulders to my feet. I fear going into that state of numbness again.  How long has it been since I last took my fluoxetine? In January? I was faring decent with my leftover alprazolam but I have only one tablet left after tonight. I'm scared.  I'm fucking scared. What if I start pushing people away because I grew too tired? What if I start distancing m...

so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck. Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist. Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture. It was fine. Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die. Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.  An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them. Beloved sent me a pdf...

It's a sad day. I miss them. Mom and dad and sis and nephew and baby bro and baby sis and Amelia and Irene. I miss him. It doesn't make sense, since we are not apart by heart, only in physical context, yet still it's there. Yeah I know I'm whining. Doesn't change the fact that I miss them though. And him. I've drawn, and written. A little afraid to sleep in case I hate to wake. It's cold with no warmth in sight. Work is tedious. Work is stressful. Work is, for once, nothing enjoyable. I don't want to be afraid. So I won't. But still I'll say it, how much I miss them. I hope the coming bookcamp will be fun. The people and strangers might be overwhelming, but at least they bring books with them. And with that, there should be enough excitement of talks of books. I don't want to curl in my blanket and sleep. I'll forget about the rest of the world, and right now, I can't do that. Even as I hate work right now, and there...

It's a complicated day. But first I would like to deeply and genuinely apologize to my A&E groupmates for being unable to attend the school visit. I am truthfully sorry. I will take up the leftover report and happily and willingly do what I can to pull up my weight.  I know I have been nothing short of a burden this semester, and this is not self-hatred, this is the absolute factual truth.  So please, give me my share of work and more. I will redeem myself as honestly as I could. The Monday incident impacted our schedules and I deeply apologize. I will ensure such the likes of that will never happen again in the line of work. I prided myself to having separate personal lives and work lives and yet this has been a gross encroachment to that statement and I will do whatever it takes to reclaim it to its original state. Again, I deeply apologize. That being said, my responsibility as a student and a groupmate will be prioritized. On another note...

[She was watching Jack before bed, trying to finish the Edith Finch series gameplay, but it 5 minutes after midnight and she should really go to bed before she screws up her hard-earned sleep schedule. She went about in her daily ministrations, and settled under the blanket with a soft sigh in the dark. She was really happy today.] The ledger, you called it? Really? How much more obvious can you get?   [she opened her eyes, brows scrunching confusedly at the ceiling.] what? You couldn't admit to Amelia that you were scared. You called it the ledger. Well done for the analogy to Black Widow. Only, Nat puts her targets profiles in there. You put the names of people you hurt, one way or the other. [she turned sideways, feeling her head began to spin. Slowly, she feels her chest constrict.] What's this about? People in the past stays in the past for a reason. Amelia calls me out on my shit for justifying myself a lot but there are reasons for certain things to be as the...