AkImA No NiKkI

It's been couple weeks, yeah. So some shit been solved, some shit turns up. Most of the good shit, like problems with authority and keys and work are doing good. Mostly. Bad shit is, well, as always, people. Fucking goddamn stupid ass dumbfucked people. Y'all might see this as a new progress but my psychiatrist who I been seeing since last 2017 August for every month outside of holidays and semester breaks have told me that my appointments from now are gonna be spread out from once in 2 months. Eventhough I have my monthly pick up meds prescription. Know why? Because last time I saw him, I was to the brink of throwing myself out of the seventh floor of the faculty building. Because goddamn people of this society, this cultural background, have such an ignorant stigma for mental health. I get it. My folks don't even believe in mine still and they think the meds was a one time thing. They don't wanna know how disturbed I get without my daily meds. Hell they don't...

So, it's been a week or so since 4th semester started and already I wish for it to end. For several reasons, including how I wish I didn't cave into the guilt trip and registered in Group B instead because this is a fucking mess right off the bat with these girls, I swear. The sigh of an everlasting annoyance is not unfamiliar by now. The fondness these days has made way for exasperation and irritation mostly. Also, the I-Learn site which we use to regularly update our information for assignment tasks and guidelines and lecture slides was recently "updated" and is still in configuration which means a fucking pain in the butthole. Lecturers expect us to have these things by the next class and I can't even access the fucking shit and this grates on my patience  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT THIS POINT SO HELP ME GOD. On top of that, there aren't any interesting or good subjects to look forward to this semester and the schedule is nothing short of torture be...

[She was watching Jack before bed, trying to finish the Edith Finch series gameplay, but it 5 minutes after midnight and she should really go to bed before she screws up her hard-earned sleep schedule. She went about in her daily ministrations, and settled under the blanket with a soft sigh in the dark. She was really happy today.] The ledger, you called it? Really? How much more obvious can you get?   [she opened her eyes, brows scrunching confusedly at the ceiling.] what? You couldn't admit to Amelia that you were scared. You called it the ledger. Well done for the analogy to Black Widow. Only, Nat puts her targets profiles in there. You put the names of people you hurt, one way or the other. [she turned sideways, feeling her head began to spin. Slowly, she feels her chest constrict.] What's this about? People in the past stays in the past for a reason. Amelia calls me out on my shit for justifying myself a lot but there are reasons for certain things to be as the...

I'm not going to describe the day. I won't go into details of what happened when I woke up and what happened the rest of the time I was up until now. What I am going to do, to say, in this post, is state the facts. That is all. First, we'll start with the obvious. It is my 21st birthday, as of 24th February 2017. I am now 21 years old. I am currently home, in my hometown, Tanah Merah, Kelantan. I woke up in my bed. In my room. I have chores. I know I have to wake up. Mom is calling for me. Strangely, I didn't want to speak. Not because I have morning breath because nobody has ever cared about that in this family, but because I simply.....didn't want to. It was as if my lips were locked with an invisible chain which I have no keys to. I wouldn't open them. I wouldn't. I struggled to answer with the best non-verbal language I know how. I hope it was enough. A constant bile resting in my throat. Tasting of vomit and tears. Still I smiled. A...

Thank God for 123movies for uploading the whole ep because by God I've been sweeping through Google list for an on9 stream even while making sociology notes in between. Thank you, multi-tasking. Here comes the screaming rant. (takes deep breath) JOHN YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD WAS IT THE HAIR IT WAS THE HAIR ISN'T IT IT WAS THE HAIR THAT CHANGED YOU TO A FUCKING BASTARD ISN'T IT OOOHHHHHHH BOI YOU GON GET IT I MEAN I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE MARY THAT MUCH BECAUSE SHE SHOT SHERLOCK DUHH BUT MOST OF ALL I DO NOT LIKE TO SEE SHERLOCK IN PAIN BOTH EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY SO DON'T YOU DARE JOHN DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PUT THIS ON HIM I SWEAR YOU ARE A FUCKING ARMY DOCTOR YOU ARE THE HEART TO SHERLOCK'S BRAIN SO DON'T YOU HURT HIM JOHN DON'T YOU EVEN FUCKING DARE DON'T YOU PUSH HIM AWAY LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE SHERLOCK LOVES YOU YOU WHO FIRST ACCEPTED HIM AND GAVE HIM A SOUL AND BECAME HIS HEART NOT YOU WHO GAVE HIM THE ABILITY TO LOVE PAST BEYO...

Happy New Year of 2017, everyone. There. That's the extent of my greetings to summarize the end of an old year to a new one because frankly, I don't feel any difference. It just feels like any other same date like previous new years.  We're in the middle of Finals to end our 2nd term and even after that, there isn't much time for end-of-term breaks because of the 2 weeks observation thing. Granted, I've chosen a school close to home so it might as well feel just like I'm going back to school. Right now, I'm sitting my ass going through notes and slides to prepare for the next paper in 2 days alone in my room because roomie went back to her brother's house in KL. New year started off with me, my feet up on the desk, dirty tupperware from dinner by the side, quarter empty hot chocolate in hand, laptop open with multitude equal of sociology notes and recent anime episodes. Huzzah. (deadpan) 2016 was when I just got into PALAM early Feb and t...

Next two days begins the final week for submitting papers, assignments, and presentations. After that it's study week for 5-6 days and then Finals. This week has been rushing enough lol I called Mom and Dad to see if I should go home for study week but I'm still kind of on the nose about it. I doubt there'd be much studying going on at home, but I'm hesitating to spend that much days at college for no reason. Roomie has already decided she's going back home so if I decide the latter, I'd be alone for nearly a week. Might get a little stir-crazy, even for me. Maybe I could spend them at a nearby friend's place? Nah. Too much trouble on both sides. Reminded that school was over for teachers, I've been calling home more frequently than before because I know that all of them would be at home anyways. I love that it gets rowdy when my call was in good timing like when they're all in the kitchen together or something. It brings a familiar feeling....

Today has officially begins the rainy (flood, for most eastern coast states) season because it has not stopped raining cats and dogs from dawn till right this moment which is 12.04 morning the next day. It's that time of the year again, guys. Ready the boats. (sigh) I hope there won't be anything like last 2 years. (I just jinxed myself, didn't I. Fuck.) Well, I'm writing as midterm nearly ends anyway, with my ticket scheduled for tomorrow night. There are plenty of loose ends (read:assignments) to tie up once I reach college and then Finals will start to end the term. I wonder if I'll make it home for my birthday. Ah..I'm turning 21 next year. Mmm...Yay? Honestly, the only thing I could think of about my 21st birthday is "wow now I'm legally obligated to vote. fuck." . Geh. I noticed that these couple of weeks have been...rough, to say it mildly. Some nightmares were making a comeback continuously for weeks making me lose sleep more tha...

Doing assignments and working on papers has been really hard recently.  I don't think it's the level of the work, just that it felt like something was missing whenever I have them laid out on the desk. It felt like nothing was coming out of my brain and I had to scoop out the words one by one. It felt like labor work.    -___-||| And yesterday it finally hit me. Music.  All this time, I've been trying to do my papers in silence and not like I'm used to doing them, with a mug of coffee and earphones plugged in. I didn't even realize how long I've been struggling without them lol xD As the result of not being able to do my work properly, it left me feeling all kinds of worthless and stupid and useless. Not a good feeling, I guarantee you. More often than not, I had to take a break and take a walk outside my room, if just to clear my head. It kinda has been digging me up for a while, this issue. But last night, I was able to get into my working headspace...

Hey, y'alls. It's reminiscing time! Hahahaha Lately, I realized that the majority space of my phone has been taken over by Mystic Messenger . The little time I have when not logged in is spent checking on class and family group whatsapps and that's about it. Even reading fics is counted as golden time these days. Well talk about addiction at its finest. LOL Who knew I would be so hooked up on an otome game?  Hopefully my last, tbh, 'cause I'm not sure the rest of the more demanding aspects of my life could allow such an obsessive nature (bordering maniac) without sacrificing something. I don't mind gaming, once in a while, but I don't want it to be an obsession. I have enough of those to last a lifetime. -____-||| After I'm done with all the Routes and cleared out the game, that should be the end of it. I hope. Currently, I'm on Han Jumin 's route. And boy, does this one got me thinking. Somehow, Jumin captured my interest more a...

Yo~ So, getting to the point, my thighs hurt af. Funny that it's only my thighs -or rather, my hamstring muscles- but not my legs, but considering what I did last week, it's not that hard to draw a conclusion. Namely, going down the Stairs of Doom twice in the span of 3 days within a week. Sounds impossible? Ask my burning thigh muscles every time I move to sit or stand or squat. It's hell. I had cluelessly underestimated the power of the Stairs of Doom and didn't think twice before subjecting my lower limbs to its torture. Curiosity does indeed kills the cat. It's painful. Sore, pulled muscles are the worst. I thought they were just cramps so if I sleep 'em off for a couple of hours, they'd simmer down and eventually go away. Alas, it's been 3 days since and I've been reduced to walking like penguins. Waddling, more like. The longer I wait, the more it hurts. Ugh. Roomie said I should take a couple of painkillers and e...

I've issued a trigger warning in the title so please, if you don't like these things, turn away IMMEDIATELY. I refuse to be something my tormentors gave me. I've been re-reading my things, lately. I've got my old phone fixed and I'm using it again, storing the recent one in the drawers. As per usual, I went through the things to make sure nothing is missing.  Pictures, videos, songs, contacts, and......notes. The last one is important. More important than the contacts because I could care less if I lost a few numbers here and there, either I'd get it back if I ever need them or we'd accidentally cross path. No biggie. But notes... They're secrets. My deepest, darkest, secrets. Don't people use their notes app in their phones as a diary? I'm pretty sure I saw it once in IG. Either way, I opened it and re-read the pages I made for the past 2 years. Dear God, I was such a whiny ass little crybaby of a bitch back then. Of course, it was w...

I had a nice, if slightly solemn, evening.  Personally, it's not that I don't touch on the worldwide issues for ignorant reasons, I am aware of them as far as social media deems it to be, and I have my opinions of them, but I am not quite willing to cite any arguments regarding them because a lot of people know that stupid people talks a lot of shit. And arguments are one way of inviting stupid to crash the party, eventhough you're having a completely intelligent and harmonious conversation with people of your own intellect. Huge things like phobias and murder and impending genocide , I mean. Let's take one that affects us, say, Islamophobia. That's trending right now, right? Well, it's actually been trending for a long time, it's just that evil people likes to freshen it up once it dies down like old gossips. Now, I say "evil" because everybody has that one side of them that's a 'bit not good' . The proverbial yellow and b...

Ayyyy y'alls. See that title? Pretty self-explanatory, I'd say. *snort* Heck, y'all woulda agree with me, amirite or amirite.  'Course, best thing to be home is seeing your fam's faces (though I just literally saw them not a week ago, yet admittedly in less than favourable conditions) but next best thing bein' home is *cue drum roll* THE PRESENCE OF FOOD ANYWHERE, ANYTIME xDD That is, feels like the whole drama shitstorm is gone and everything's back to normal now. Well, maybe after my room is returned to its original state because I shit you not, it's stuffy as balls in here with the decorations still up and about. But hey, ain't like I'm staying home for long. In a blink, a week will just fly by, right? And yes, it's officially MY room now. Mine and mine alone. Awhoop whoop! xPP I suppose baby bro can bunk in when I'm not home, but Imma stamp MINE on the door soon as I get the chance. Hahahahahaha no joke *flawless murder ...