AkImA No NiKkI

How do I pull parts of me that are fragmented? Those parts of yourself when you were just a little kid, not knowing how to be yourself other than just existing as you are. The absolute conviction that you are YOU.  Where do they go? My friend is broken. Sometimes they come to me hoping I can be with them at the moment. They don't ask what I can't afford. All I needed to be was present. But existing is something we both are having trouble with. Something most of us have trouble with. I don't know how other people do it, and it's very likely that even if I asked, it wouldn't work the same way for me or her or us.  I can't persuade my kid to not say things like "if I die pursuing my dreams, so be it" because I have issues with dying just to not exist. I have no rights. I can't tell someone to live when I myself am someone who is still figuring out how to. And the desire to.  When I can't sleep and dredges of the void drags my chest to the bo...

[She was watching Jack before bed, trying to finish the Edith Finch series gameplay, but it 5 minutes after midnight and she should really go to bed before she screws up her hard-earned sleep schedule. She went about in her daily ministrations, and settled under the blanket with a soft sigh in the dark. She was really happy today.] The ledger, you called it? Really? How much more obvious can you get?   [she opened her eyes, brows scrunching confusedly at the ceiling.] what? You couldn't admit to Amelia that you were scared. You called it the ledger. Well done for the analogy to Black Widow. Only, Nat puts her targets profiles in there. You put the names of people you hurt, one way or the other. [she turned sideways, feeling her head began to spin. Slowly, she feels her chest constrict.] What's this about? People in the past stays in the past for a reason. Amelia calls me out on my shit for justifying myself a lot but there are reasons for certain things to be as the...

I just arrived at college this morning straight from Banting, Selangor from a classmate's house after staying there for 2 days and 2 nights, filming scenes for our Lit&Media movie project. It was fun and tiring and memorable all at once and I love that I'll be able to have these memories. But as soon as I got back to my room, a depressive mood sets in. Roomie left to her brother's house in KL because we have Monday off. To be honest, it was probably something unwittingly mentioned by me during our stay in Banting. I didn't even know why it came out of my mouth, it just..did. And it was too late to take it back by the time they acknowledged it and, well, I held off the gloomy funk until the filming is over. Sometimes, little tidbits of things before The Incident came through without me realizing it, things that I didn't even remember had happened until after I said it. A pair of thick arms caging me in on top of me. Whispers of words. Fleeting snake-like t...

*sniff* ey, y'alls. So, breaking news. I'm sick. Again. I keep getting sick a lot this year. -_-||| It's just a small fever so there's no fuss about it, though. Yet I do have a few things to reiterate regarding the issue. Last Friday, I had a major relapse. It went on until yesterday (Sunday) and as much as I didn't want to think about the possibility that it may have been the reason for my sudden fever, they seem to collide on the same time area and I can't help being suspicious. The last time this happened was 2 years ago in Shah Alam, when I was still with Amelia and Irene. To compare it to this one was dismissable to say the least. Back then, I was at my worst. I hate the nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks, meltdowns, everything I was having for months before and when opportunity arose, I wanted to pass out from it all. Even if I knew I was sick and feverish, I didn't give a damn about it. I did all my work early just so that I could pro...

Hey, y'alls. It's reminiscing time! Hahahaha Lately, I realized that the majority space of my phone has been taken over by Mystic Messenger . The little time I have when not logged in is spent checking on class and family group whatsapps and that's about it. Even reading fics is counted as golden time these days. Well talk about addiction at its finest. LOL Who knew I would be so hooked up on an otome game?  Hopefully my last, tbh, 'cause I'm not sure the rest of the more demanding aspects of my life could allow such an obsessive nature (bordering maniac) without sacrificing something. I don't mind gaming, once in a while, but I don't want it to be an obsession. I have enough of those to last a lifetime. -____-||| After I'm done with all the Routes and cleared out the game, that should be the end of it. I hope. Currently, I'm on Han Jumin 's route. And boy, does this one got me thinking. Somehow, Jumin captured my interest more a...

Ooosu~ It's weekends for the first week of second semester, for me at least, because I don't have any classes on Fridays. Teehee! xP I suppose that's about to change next week, if what we heard about the schedule change is correct. Oh, well. When have I ever complained about work. *shrug* Although I do complain a lot about the people I work with, that's normal coming from me. When have I ever NOT complain about people? Hahahahaha xD Yesterday, we had our first class on Counselling. Why is there a class on Counselling this semester you ask? Beats me. Apparently it's a necessity for future teachers to be able to counsel their students in an orderly manner (OF COURSE!!!). It looks like CSS (College Study Skills) a little to me, I guess. Though gladly focusing on the student than the teacher. In my opinion, we do actually need more perceptive and professional counsellors in education wings. My experiences in those area are frankly, disgustingly horrible. I woul...

This few days has been....interesting, to say at least. It's 2 days after EidulAdha which, might I say, could be on the not-so-enjoyable holidays list I created after the big flood incident 2 years ago. It's not the holidays, it's the events that inadvertently happened on it. The healing scratches on my right wrist aren't so bad. I'm used to them by now, being familiar with wounds from cats and such. It's my own fault anyway, the cat at gramma's house has never been too friendly with people. (shrugs) NOT my hand. This is a random picture from Google search. I'm too lazy to put up the wounds on my own wrist. Or hand. Or whatever it is kids call it these days. Then the abrupt strong storm that passed through 2 nights ago and another passed again last night, though thankfully wasn't as strong. It wrecked a little bit of the part of our roof so we had to deal with some leaks from the ceiling in the living room, my room, and Nana's room. Dad h...

First term is nearing its end, second term awaits in Sept. Finals is in 3 days and lasts for 8 days, including the gap between the papers. I know, it's hella short but hey, considering we only have 5 papers to sit, it makes sense. Besides, the quicker we end it the better. First paper is Literature, this Thursday morning. Why is it my fav subject that always goes first? In high school, it was English. Now, Literature. It's like they're saving the worst for the last. (I suppose that's exactly what they had in mind, all things considered.) Mom finally asked me what the shit has crawled up my ass and died in according to my surly attitude back during Gawai break. I told her I was just butthurt that they didn't have enough trust in me to keep my priorities regarding Sis and they treated me like I was a stupid teen instead of a mature young adult who knows my way around life. Well no, I don't exactly know my way around life, seeing that I'm an ex-cutter ...

It's the 3rd day of Ramadhan and finals is in 2 weeks. Last Gawai break at home was....well, to put it simply, progressive. I didn't entirely hate it, minus the one or four times I wanted to throw myself over a bridge but that's not out of the ordinary, so that's that. Baby bro and Mia made things a little bearable, I suppose. Yeay for little siblings, right?  By now, I've already finished most of my assignments and should focus on the coming finals. Roomie reminded me to get an early ticket home for Eid before it's all gone, eventhough we just got back. Well, it's Eid, so it's understandable. Considering we're changing rooms next term, we have to clear out our things by Eid as well. The thought of lugging heavy sets of luggage around on a 12+ hour trip bus puts a frown on my face but if shove comes to push, I guess there's no other way around it. Dad told me to hitch a ride home with Sis and stuff my crap at her place. Since we didn'...

Recently, I keep wanting to run. Is that an age thing where people my age keeps thinking about? No idea. It's not about work stress, I know that much, because it's not work or college I want to run from. Today is my last day at college and I'm packing up to go 'home' for Gawai break for a week before finals. Maybe 'home' is where I'm running from. Emotional stress is straining. Perhaps I would've dealt better with it if I wasn't such a fucked up person with a fucked up personality but hey, beggars can't be choosers. Being a cutter, or at least, an ex-cutter in a rehab process I guess to put it better, has been my go-to stress relief for nearly 4 years. Of course, Amelia put a stop to that. I didn't cut as much in high school as I did in college, back then. It made me wonder, what was it that calmed me down from the temptation of my blades when the effects of PTSD at the time were at its highest? Then I realized, the one thing I didn...

Times always seem to me the font for a deep, revealing writing. More often than not, it reveals pain, hurt, suffering, agony, sadness, silent rage, and so on. So very little I use it on the opposite side. It appears to me like a quiet, deceiving silence. Demanding attention with near to none effort. Quite appropriate, in any case. It's been 5 days since I requested silence from Amelia and Irene. Since then, I was given such. There is comfort in that, however non-existent it feels, in their actions, or lack of it. Perhaps it could be a respite for all of us, them in their activities, and me in my thoughts. I dawdled and mucked about in the boundaries of my psyche.  Trying to reconcile the working gears to function with the changes. I am still angry, and very much hurt over her mistake. She may have apologized for it -probably, subconsciously, I couldn't have known it myself- and I may have forgiven her, but it does not do to slap a band-aid on a broken mirror. I couldn...

Threw a fit of a tantrum today. One notebook (personal and private, not related to work) got destroyed in the making. My phone barely making it out safely while I was still incapacitated. I was angry. Still angry, actually. A long time ago, I would've just sighed at the notion and just despaired at making the best of what I had. I wouldn't be as much frustrated as disappointed. Wouldn't be as sad and righteously angry as satiric. How many times do I have to repeat myself? I am happy for her. I am abso-fucking-lutely ecstatic for her. What more do you want me to say? I support her. Will always do. It's her life and whatever decision she makes, I am 120% supportive of it. Only thing I ask is to give a single fucking thought about how it fucking breaks me that everybody is giving themselves a fucking free card to dictate shit in my life. Amelia reminds me that my actions have consequences. Don't you think I fucking know that? The issue is that THEY don...

Hello. So, yesterday was marching day, and I managed to live through it fine. I slept the residual anxiety off after we were dismissed, and woke up still breathing. The nightmares are expected. Amelia checked up on me beforehand, right after it was done, and I foolishly joked away her concerns. Unlike everyone else, she was pissed at me for it and chewed me out. Humbly, and guiltily, I apologized. I knew giving instructions on distracting the pain is how she shows her concerns for me, because she has always been one to say the things I needed, instead of what I wanted. It's why she's incredibly amazing and simultaneously infuriating to be with, at times. It's been 4 weeks since I've been here. Life is changing. Good, yet changing. I don't feel a connection to my past, the 'people' I knew and the 'memories' about them.  My traumas are dormant, and my demons quiet. The nightmares are easy enough to deal with nowadays, not after the terrors ...

Yello. I miss Amelia and Irene terribly today. I do miss them in proportion each day but today feels like a big one. Being among people again, among "society" again, tends to have the most flinch-worthy reactions out of me. Such as keeping my poker face cool regardless of how distasteful I find a person's choice of words may be. Tact is a value in the polite world. *roll eyes* I'm gonna have to re-learn the basics to tune out the inane and annoying mindless chatters that the people around me here seems to have a habit speaking. I find it as incredibly annoying as they find my cursing habits, acting as if every little "fuck" I say is a dishonor on somebody's cow. And to think I won't have to deal with that shit in Uni life. *sigh* Also, I am not fucking shy .  I am reserved . The kind of shit that falls out of my mouth is one you might need above 18 ears on and I'm perceptive so watch your choice of words because sometimes people do...

Things have been okay these couple of days. There was nothing out of ordinary than the usual routines. Maybe even better. Yet today doesn't seem to be like that in any way. Alan Rickman a.k.a Severus Snape passed away yesterday at the age of 69 from cancer. It's a loss, and we loved him as the great actor that he was. He was a part of our childhood memories, and nobody else can ever be Severus Snape like Alan. We'll miss you. I just finished watching Akame Ga Kill last night and I can't remember to have cried so much. The last time I did was when I was 15 and finished watching Angel Beats. It was so much more freeing to cry then than it is to cry now. Because I was a child, and I was alone. And I hadn't been told that tears were weaknesses yet. I used to think that choking back on my emotions would make me strong. That the people I choose to love and reciprocates my love would not mind the emotions behind my wall. Wouldn't judge, nor condemn me for it. ...

This love/hate relationship with my emotions is endless. For the same reason I envy sociopaths never having to deal with these "feelings".  They may consider differently, but I think we both would agree that you cannot miss something you never had. How freeing it would be, to just not "feel". My childhood days -as far as I remember at school, demureness gained me somewhat peace in the class. I hated socializing even then and preferred the company of dreams or books. I was never bullied because of my temper, so my days blended together. Other kids never minded my lack-of-feeling or at least, what I didn't show.  That's kids for you. In my teen years, I learnt to slip a crack. Show my feelings to only some I choose or trust. Some admired my strength of control, and some pitied me for having to do so. They questioned my reason, some would agree, some would not. Opening up is dangerous, as far as I could tell. When you let yourself to be happy, you als...