Self-sabotaging perseverance
*sniff* ey, y'alls.
So, breaking news. I'm sick. Again.
I keep getting sick a lot this year. -_-|||
It's just a small fever so there's no fuss about it, though. Yet I do have a few things to reiterate regarding the issue. Last Friday, I had a major relapse. It went on until yesterday (Sunday) and as much as I didn't want to think about the possibility that it may have been the reason for my sudden fever, they seem to collide on the same time area and I can't help being suspicious.
The last time this happened was 2 years ago in Shah Alam, when I was still with Amelia and Irene. To compare it to this one was dismissable to say the least.
Back then, I was at my worst. I hate the nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks, meltdowns, everything I was having for months before and when opportunity arose, I wanted to pass out from it all. Even if I knew I was sick and feverish, I didn't give a damn about it. I did all my work early just so that I could proceed to sleep from Thursday evening till Sunday night straight. I shut off my phone and kept it away on my desk, far from my reach. I kept a water bottle by the bed so I'd keep myself from dehydrating.
I only woke up to pee and drink, nothing more than that.
All I wanted was sleep, so that's what I did.
I didn't eat.
Didn't shower.
Didn't talk (though that's nothing new).
But then, occasionally, I'd hear Irene's voice in my sleep. I dismissed it as a dream, of course, but only to see some brand of instant food on my desk when I woke up for my short break. It had a sticky note from yours truly and when I asked my roommate if someone had asked for me when I slept, they'd acquiesced that it was truly Irene.
Amelia did things her own way, naturally. Showing up at my room at random hours and asking my preference of food, later shoving it to my face and left with an order to eat.
Now that this is a reminiscent of that time, I made some effort to not completely indulge my self-sabotaging desires. At least, according to what they've taught me.
I had dangerous thoughts streaming for the consecutive two days, belatedly realizing that my temperature's way off and the pounding headaches aren't just from the noisy static but also from the banging against my skull. I re-supplied my cookies stash and even had myself a choco muffin and a quarter mug of coffee on Saturday morning. That was the first time I ate after Thursday evening.
I slept all the same, though. Maybe took a shower once a day to see if the cold water helped with my temperature (it didn't). When finally the relapse broke Monday morning and I couldn't feel severe emptiness or whispers of dangerous thoughts, I broke in my cookies stash and celebrated with a row of dark chocos and a mug of hot cocoa.
My fever didn't break, however, and I'm still sniffing and feeling the extra unnatural warmth as I'm typing this post. We had two tests today and it's a shame I couldn't really get myself up for it. I did try my best though. I just hope it's enough.
(it's usually not.)
Roomie felt guilty she didn't notice before leaving to her brother's house considering there didn't seem to be any difference to my usual routine. Naturally, I don't blame her. I've gone much worse than dismissing food for sleep for more than 3 days before anyways.
Besides, how was she to know I'm having a fever?
I think, the only thing different is how much I'm not leaving outside of my blanket. But I do that without being sick anyways so yeah, maybe there's no way to tell.
LOL
So, breaking news. I'm sick. Again.
I keep getting sick a lot this year. -_-|||
It's just a small fever so there's no fuss about it, though. Yet I do have a few things to reiterate regarding the issue. Last Friday, I had a major relapse. It went on until yesterday (Sunday) and as much as I didn't want to think about the possibility that it may have been the reason for my sudden fever, they seem to collide on the same time area and I can't help being suspicious.
The last time this happened was 2 years ago in Shah Alam, when I was still with Amelia and Irene. To compare it to this one was dismissable to say the least.
Back then, I was at my worst. I hate the nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks, meltdowns, everything I was having for months before and when opportunity arose, I wanted to pass out from it all. Even if I knew I was sick and feverish, I didn't give a damn about it. I did all my work early just so that I could proceed to sleep from Thursday evening till Sunday night straight. I shut off my phone and kept it away on my desk, far from my reach. I kept a water bottle by the bed so I'd keep myself from dehydrating.
I only woke up to pee and drink, nothing more than that.
All I wanted was sleep, so that's what I did.
I didn't eat.
Didn't shower.
Didn't talk (though that's nothing new).
But then, occasionally, I'd hear Irene's voice in my sleep. I dismissed it as a dream, of course, but only to see some brand of instant food on my desk when I woke up for my short break. It had a sticky note from yours truly and when I asked my roommate if someone had asked for me when I slept, they'd acquiesced that it was truly Irene.
Amelia did things her own way, naturally. Showing up at my room at random hours and asking my preference of food, later shoving it to my face and left with an order to eat.
Now that this is a reminiscent of that time, I made some effort to not completely indulge my self-sabotaging desires. At least, according to what they've taught me.
I had dangerous thoughts streaming for the consecutive two days, belatedly realizing that my temperature's way off and the pounding headaches aren't just from the noisy static but also from the banging against my skull. I re-supplied my cookies stash and even had myself a choco muffin and a quarter mug of coffee on Saturday morning. That was the first time I ate after Thursday evening.
I slept all the same, though. Maybe took a shower once a day to see if the cold water helped with my temperature (it didn't). When finally the relapse broke Monday morning and I couldn't feel severe emptiness or whispers of dangerous thoughts, I broke in my cookies stash and celebrated with a row of dark chocos and a mug of hot cocoa.
My fever didn't break, however, and I'm still sniffing and feeling the extra unnatural warmth as I'm typing this post. We had two tests today and it's a shame I couldn't really get myself up for it. I did try my best though. I just hope it's enough.
(it's usually not.)
Roomie felt guilty she didn't notice before leaving to her brother's house considering there didn't seem to be any difference to my usual routine. Naturally, I don't blame her. I've gone much worse than dismissing food for sleep for more than 3 days before anyways.
Besides, how was she to know I'm having a fever?
I think, the only thing different is how much I'm not leaving outside of my blanket. But I do that without being sick anyways so yeah, maybe there's no way to tell.
LOL
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